An Endless Series of Detours

In the lines of of Michelle Lewis “ I was getting out of a taxi the other day and my heart fell out of my backpack and into a puddle”

Today I realized that life, like the roads of practically every major city, is an endless series of detours. You always seem to be taking the long way around to your central destination. It takes you longer to get there than you planned on and it is anything but a smooth drive. My life continues to be this way and I am more than pissed off about it.. I've had many, many detours in my life, but the condensed version that I am experiencing these days have me at the end of my rope. I want to SUE!

I am trying to keep my attitude up but I can only do that when I don't think about all the shit that I dwell in.

I've lived in Phoenix for over 30 years and for as long as I can remember they have ALWAYS had the roads torn up for some reason or another. Long lines of traffic, three lanes into one lane delays, and road closures. When they close the road it really makes you aware of how much we don't think about as we go about life every day with all the roads open. We expect everything to run smoothly, just like in life. At least I do. What a fucking crock! Try taking a 2 mile detour just to get to work that is just a mile down the road. That's exactly how I feel about how I am supposedly getting to my life's destination, through all this these trials and tribulations. These days, I have been experiencing more than just delays on the roads with freeway shut downs and intersections by my house completely closed....In my life things seem to be a mixed bag of shut downs and closures as well. I wish I had an inside pipeline to the divine universe...a real and tangible one so I could know which direction I should take instead of taking all the wrong roads SO BLINDLY. So I would truly know what the hell I was meant to do...instead of just being as daft as a teenage and just going where the river takes me .I'd love to know where the fuck I am going! And why I am going there. And I would love the ease ability of financially being able to go there. To move from one place to the next with out stress and struggle. Don't try to tell me I don't know what's going to happen because the future has not been formulated yet! I'm tired of sitting in a dark room waiting for the next SCARE! I am tired of making a choice only to have it backfire in my face. I feel stripped of power I know I use to possess. I feel at the mercy of bad luck. Bad luck that seems to just flow through the very blood of me. Bad luck that has tainted and jaded my lust and enthusiasm for just opening my eyes each morning. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time over and over, has just tainted my creative force and inspiration. And please don't tell me to think positive. You MUST know and understand that when you have nothing but depressive experiences and endless buckets of water and shit thrown at you over and over with no let up.....well, It's a little hard to be happy and smiley every single day. Its kind of like torture...you only get to rest enough to recover from the last ass kicking before the next one kicks you in the teeth! And don't tell me about self esteem either....I have plenty of it. I may not have plenty of self confidence in some areas, but feel I AM WORTHY in every area.

Some days are better than others, but even on those days there are sacrifices.
If I have many good days on a continued basis then it makes the bad days easier to deal with and pass aside. If I have the contrary, which is the majority of bad days as the norm of my existence, then the good days become something foreign to me. Too few and far between. And I cannot comprehend a good day. I cannot seem to adjust my attitude to positive when just over my shoulder another bad trip is on my heels. What's the fucking point?

I'm sorry, but I must be thick as a brick because I am just not getting what it is I am supposed to be learning from the last 8 years worth of shitty experiences, struggles and humiliations.. Hell my Karma cannot be that bad??? I couldn't have been Ivan the Terrible in a past life to deserve this kind of torture and ass kicking in this this life? I could say the same for everything in my past too but I have only gotten stronger, not necessarily learned how to get on better from a dramatic and calamity filled life. What good has stronger gotten me? I'm barely surviving.. I have no love life, I have no fun, I can't do anything except work, and I keep stripping things down to the bone. What's the fucking point??? I want answers!!

Those last three years have been full of detours. Detours I don't understand. In those past most recent years, I was forced out from an unfinished relationship and moved practically around the corner from the job I was currently holding. Detour #1 out of the relationship I was tooling merrily along in. The humiliation wasn't enough to be dumped by someone I cared for, but then just a few months later I was fired from my long time job. Detour 2. Why was I fired now that I live a stones throw from the place, and have to support myself for the first time what is the point of this? It's been a long road. I have come to find out that having a job is just not enough unless you are making a decent wage and I mean A DECENT WAGE. One detour after another to take me where? And what the hell is it all for? Will someone tell me in plain human language that I can understand? Not in dreams that make no sense, not in signs that make me acknowledge, just plain and simple tell it to me like it really is Mr Angel or get the fuck lost!

You're not down here...I am!! The road since has been peppered with a lot of misspent projects, more forced choices I haven't wanted, more useless quests in the name of health and one financial crisis after another. Yes, I said crisis, because to me...it is a crisis. Financial Tsunami's abound, The financial stabs I take just make me weaker and weaker, there is no getting around it-that's just the reality of what happens because of it. It is like each time more money is taken, I die a little more. Because it doesn't stop. It's not that I value money so much as my life's blood, but it is the very blood that makes the river flow if you are to float without suffering in this insane world and all I do is bleed..

Detour #3....I am offered a job offer from a friend, and spend the next year and a half building that business up and hoping to get some future plan set in place from it. Not the case, I had to leave the job and the friendship leave it far behind, just turn my back in order to save my life. It was life a bad LSD trip. Detour #4 (in the middle of it all) I was just lucky enough to land another job otherwise that would have caused an abrupt re-direction into a cardboard box. That detour was at least my idea, but it seemed such a fluke. Living on my laurels, By sheer grace, I got another job right away with nary an effort. That in itself was out of place in my calamity Jane lifestyle. This new job is of course right around the corner from where I live. How cool is that? How wonderful, how convenient??? But wait.....that can't be allowed. It's too easy. So of course, my circumstances have to push me again the wall again there is no way I can afford this place on my own anymore and I have to move out of my beloved Ivory Tower. After all this time...and I have so tried, I have so tried,. I am in collections from trying. Detour #5.....So why did I get this job right down the street only to have to move? I'm sick of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now don't get me wrong here.....I don't fear changes, I'm just sick and tired of the rug being pulled out from under me without at least some thing to cushion my fall. Isn't the emotional stuff of all this SHIT bad enough to deal with without having to be buried by financial Tsunami's that come one after another? And don't get me wrong by thinking I am not looking at the bright side. When I CAN get up off the floor from the endless punches, I am very grateful about what I do have and outwardly don't appear to be suffering. But suffering has become like second skin......It just grows over all the shit I feel from it all, like Ivy...making it all seem to pretty on the outside! But inside I am screaming. And the bottom line is not pretty.

I hate denial, What purpose does it serve? Does it solve things? Does it find the answer? No, It just prolongs the misery. Sooner or later the feelings will surface at some point or another. As usual, lost in the maze of it all. When is it going to stop?

Calling All Angels-Eliza Gilkyson-Listen to the Lyrics.

Ten Millionth Fall From Grace

If there was a way to kill myself in a non-painful or not a suffering way, I would surely take that option. I have had enough of pain, of trying, of pretending, of going along to get along, and of all the misunderstandings that people believe about me. I have had enough of the automatic rites of passage the body puts you through. I have had enough of trying to do what is right for me. I am not a perfect person by any means, but by most standards I am a genuinely good person, with the best intentions for those around me. My intentions seem to fall short, very very short, both for myself and for others more often than not. Somehow I have gotten tied up in that 'bad things happen to good people' syndrome and it doesn't let up, even after years and years. I feel like a dog that is tied up and thrown a bone every so often just to keep it alive. I cannot seem to break free. I feel bound to the continual bad things that happen to me. I am dead inside.

I think when people get to this point, where living is just not worth the effort anymore, you have to look at the psychology of what is important, or what the person thinks is important, because that is what drives their entire existence. When people contemplate not living anymore, it is because those inner standards of what they deem to be the only way life can be lived has been too many times compromised, cut off completely,.......their aspirations crushed, their lust for living beaten down, their joy and creativity ignored, their worth never reinforced and their inner spark extinguished by one bucket of water after another after another after another.

The pain that permeates my heart, and the burden of my own survival has become too much for this weakened and weary soul to bear. I have tried, I have tap danced, I have juggled, and I have begged, borrowed and stolen. I have gotten up from the floor only to take two steps and be knocked back down. I have compromised myself and I have sold my soul to survive. Instead of pro-gress, I di-gress. More trauma comes, more illness comes, more obligations come, more financial Tsunami comes. No joy comes, no love comes, no happy times come.
I feel bound to abuse. If feel like I am a dog with an abusive owner. I want to bite every body. I don't feel I deserve any of it....I don't feel I deserve any of the humiliation, or the envy, the back stabbing, and the betrayal that befalls me. I want to revolt, I want to make a stand, I want to speak up against unfairness. No one wants to listen...even though the negativity is everywhere in the world and the world thrives on it and loves to hear it daily on the news, no one wants to really know it's presence in their lives or the lives of their friends. I don't want to participate anymore. How do people continue in such a painful, unloving, and despairing place? No wonder they get sick with horrid diseases....we are so unequipped to handle ourselves. We are so ignorant. We are so illiterate.

A long time ago when my baby was a toddler, I was in such a despair. I have known despair very very well. I got up one night, went into the kitchen and was planning on slitting my wrists. All I could think about at the time, besides the unbearable pain inside me, was that my daughter might come and find me on the floor in a pool of blood, and what would happen to her if I was gone. As I was standing there, contemplating this release of my tortured soul a great Angel came and wrapped its wings around me. A feeling of release came over me and I heard a voice say 'you don't have to do this.' At that point I felt that things would be alright. I felt different. I continued on.

I suppose you would consider me very lucky. Maybe I was lucky back then because I believed in Angels and I had tons more faith than I do today. Back then, I felt I stood in the flow of grace almost every day, despite all the bad things that happened to me. Today I am much older, much wiser, much better at coping, much more mature, and so much more unhappy. So much better at failing. So much worse at living. Today, I believe in nothing. Not even Love. Love, one of the only beliefs I could ever adhere to. Today, I know that grace exists but my eyes are burned out and I cannot find my way to it. Today is no living.

So why do they make it so difficult and so unpleasant to leave the planet? Who wants to be in more pain by stabbing themselves? Who wants to be assured that a bottle of pills would really do the trick? Who wants to run the risk of the consequences of missing the mark with a pistol to the head? Who wants to botch a homemade hanging? Drive your car off a very steep cliff? No thanks....and that makes me even more unhappy. Is there no way out? Why don't I have a garage? A garage is good.

My Question is this......

How is it that we have become so stuck? And once we are there...how is it that we cannot see any other way out? It's a matter of perspective and choice I think. We assess where we are, and then rationalize why we must stay there. We have no choice...we tell ourselves. I have to do this for the time being..or I am doing this until for the children. I won't do what my parents did, I need the money, I won't find anything better...how will I pay my rent? I could go on and on with this list of reasons why we stay in situations that we don't like. Ones that cause us stress or are, in essence, either toxic or unfullfilling for us. So often on this strange planet we turn the other cheek to these situations....and continue on with them. We take on adamant beliefs because of our experiences. And therein lies our limitation. But can anything be said for just going with whatever is present as well? Is that a better way for us to live, allowing ourselves to be at the mercy of the winds that blow by? Should I follow my moment of Zen by saying I can control what I can control and I must handle all the rest with grace?

Somewhere back in the ancient archives of our personal psyche, are the reasons, the events, or the triggers that set us in a certain direction. Somehow back then I believe, something convinced the mind of the cells, to be a certain way. Attract certain things, and encounter certain people in order to experience whatever. I haven't quit figured out the why of it though...because as a consciousness mind typing this out right now, I have no desire to suffer. (And suffer I do) I seemingly do not have a handle on where the ground zero of my inner suffering has come from. I have a few ideas....but no answers to relieve me from the patterns that were initially set up. I ask...with an inner scream......."Has no one found out how to undo the knots that we have tied so tightly around us"? What I mean is...if we ourselves, as co-creators of our own life, have created a way, or a pattern that comes to us all the time.....then why have we not been able to un-create it? Especially if it continues to cause us suffering and duress? As Dr. Phil would ask..."what's the payoff"? And would it all just magically fix itself if I find out what the payoff is?

Why is it that I cannot disconnect myself from this physical body? If truly the body and the mind are partners in this crime....then why can I not benefit from it rather than be pulverized by it? What does it take? The time to research? A vision quest? Try new things? New therapies? New choices? New frame of mind? How does one change? How can we direct our attentions away from materialistic pursuits, when from the very beginning we have experienced nothing but that? Outer gratification for the inner need. The entire world, save for the Tibetan Monks, is geared for that. We have been groomed and crooned all our days to pursue our desires for ourselves, but does that include our inner most desires as well? Not just the American dream of happy house, hearth and family? How many people really do what they want to do, and I mean REALLY do what they want to do? Not just the striving of the human spirit to overcome physical limitations? Not just striving to be the best, or the skinniest, or the most popular. Where are the schools and challenges to go beyond the human level of endurance and experience something truly fulfilling for our spirit? Is that even possible here on Earth? There has to be more to existence than just the day to day drudgery and if there is, where do I find it? What is there to feed the rest of me (because there is soooooo much more to me than my skin and bones) What is left after all that maintaining of my outer environment? I don't seem to find it at my job? I can't seem to find a partner which whom to share a common thread. I seem to attract nothing but stress and lack, but hey, there it is.....There is so much lacking-WITHIN..., that is all I get. What a concept! My heart is in agony, and my inner spirit on it's knees saying WTF? So how do we exist within a mind set of full capacity rather than of drained lack? How do we find that place? Especially if we have gone so long on our journey not seeing it or not experiencing it?

We all know that everyone today has issues, has problems of some kind. Health problems, family problems, work problems (love those clueless bosses) and of course, everyone's favorite, money problems. Many people have told me to count my blessings. Count my blessings because I have managed (so far) to maintain a place to live, a car to drive, and food to eat. Count my blessings, they say, because I am not in the hospital, dying of AIDS or on the street. Be grateful that I have “freedom” and that I am not living in the squalor of Africa. Ok, fine, but I am not in those places, that is not my life. I can't tell you why I am here and not in those places. I am here, within my own conceptual hell. I suppose somewhere within me, I could not handle such things. So then, if I am not in any of those other dreadful places, and that is not my life...then the place and the life I am in is where?

My question is this. If I am aware of it, why then can't I change it? I want to convince myself that there is a way to change it. I want to say yes to a better life. If I step out side tomorrow, with an "I can do it attitude," then can I really do it? I fear that walking through the fires of fear and misunderstanding alone has me in its grip. Calling all Angels............................please give me an answer, and a dam'd good one!

Ruled and Regulated to Death

I am wondering to myself just how far people are going to go to exert their opinion and lifestyle upon everyone else, because for me personally it is driving me crazy being ruled and regulated to death. Actually I think I would rather be dead, than have one more person gripe about something I have done. At least then I would have some rest from all those things I have to do and rules I have to make sure I follow. Maybe it is because I live in a big city…and city life is a bit pressured to start with, and that is why everyone has to make they’re gripes known. To me so much of what people mouth off about is unnecessary. I’d like to ask them, why does it bother you so much? And speaking of mouthing off, here are a few gripes of mine that really do not involve anyone except me and my environment.

I got a clue about how it was going to be in my new living environment when I pulled into the complex, through a 24 hour around the clock manned guard gate, with signs at every turn saying “No pets of any kind allowed on the property.” I thought it was an odd having so many signs. Couldn't they just tell you that when you moved in? And why was it plastered everywhere? This one is priceless......I came to find out later that this girl was a lawyer. When I was moving in, I was asked by a neighbor to stop moving in, because I was making too much noise. It’s such a quiet complex that you can literally hear a pin drop, and the doily we used against the cement and the stairs did make a bit of a noise. But not enough to complain about. Was I supposed to tip toe around while dragging furniture and boxes up and down stairs?

I started to personalize my new place, placing an garden angel and a flower pot outside my front door. Keep in mind I live within a courtyard, at the back of the complex, upstairs where only the immediate tenants can be exposed to it. Again……I was asked to remove them. Two flower pots no less! I sat there in my stark white walled apartment also knowing that my lease agreement stated I could not paint the walls without permission. From the looks of this place, no one had ever attempted to decorate past the Navajo white walls. Great. Later on, I became more suspicious as they manicured the grounds what seemed to be every other day. Clipping all the blossoms off the bushes, and constantly mowing the lawns. I found out that to conserve water, they were going to re-landscape within the courtyards of which our apartments surrounded. The grounds of the apartments were lush, healthy and beautifully green and flowery for being in a desert metropolis. Huge trees, with fabulous hanging branches. Things were grown in, and it was a very pleasant place to pass through as I came and went from my day. But man can never leave well enough alone, and they tore every last plant, flower and shrub out down to the bare brown dirt. They even pulled out small trees, all of it healthy and none of it dying. They replaced it with desert plants and stones, covering the majority of it up with bricks, creating a less than palatable picture of starkness as I come and go from my day. Today I came home to a huge note on my door, telling me not to leave my discarded mail on the top of the mailbox’s. Well God forbid, something be out of place here. Who did I offend now? They didn’t even sign the note! Its not even like the area is full of trash….and there is no trash can provided so why is this bothering them so much?

In the place I work, (it’s a retail environment), I am constantly surrounded and interrupted by customers, their personalities and demands, everyone telling me their boring stories or gripes, and I can barely get my work done. Today, I had a splitting Migraine type headache, which I am prone to. A customer came in, and wanted to chat and be jovial with me, and I was courteous but not overjoyed. I told him I had a bad headache, and his reaction was one of “tisk tisk”, I thought what the f#*k kind of reaction is that? Am I supposed to live in denial for the sake of face? The adult answer to distress of any kind in today’s world is SUCK IT UP! Personally I think that is just wrong!

How about all the Internet sites you visit? What is with needing to login with a password (sometimes with other personal information) just to view the site or read the material. The local paper in my town is big, and of course you can read the paper online. But you cannot do that unless you “join” by logging in. Name, address, things like that….and then you can read the paper online. What kind of bullshit is that?

I’ve been looking for a job lately, you know what a fun task that is if you have read my unemployment post. Talk about rules and regulations there….just look at the job application. You can’t even talk to anyone until you have filled out the useless application. You can have a resume, that everyone insists is your calling card but you still have to fill out the application. I think employers do it backwards. They want every bit of it, every crevice and section filled out. And truthfully too! Now if you put the truth down, such as why you left your last job, or your salary at your last job, they will use that against you! And those contrived answers they want to hear! What happened to all that “being an individual and you are special” crap they taught you in school? That doesn’t mean squat in the real adult world.

How about the homeowners associations? Those people who make up ridiculous rules like parking your car a certain direction if parking on the street or better yet not being able to park it in your driveway!! Not being able to color outside the box when choosing a color to paint your house. Or not being able to fly flags on your house? Or have a basketball net in your driveway. Or like where I live, you can have patio furniture on your patio, and one live plant, but you cannot have fake plants. You cannot have bird feeders hanging up but you can have a hummingbird feeder hanging up. And you cannot have a bike stored on your patio. I want to know why not? What’s the difference between ugly patio furniture and a bicycle?

And lastly, but not least...Lets take the Police and the Obey the law types. People that insist you wear a seat belt because it’s the law. WTF????? Or a helmet when you are riding a bicycle. Or the mandatory Insurance law. I want to know why? Like people don't have enough unnecessary shit to pay for. Especially if you are working a minimum wage job and trying to pay rent too. Rents are high! Car insurance is not my highest priority. My electric bill is! I told some people that I got a ticket the other day. Their first question was “were you speeding?” and when I said, well I can’t drive the speed limit…they looked at me and commented like I was a child molester or something! Like I had committed the ultimate crime against humanity and slaughtered children and old ladies or something. What a bunch of sheep I thought, surely these people don’t drive 55 on a four lane freeway? I laughed myself silly, just thinking how these people just give up their freedoms in a land that is supposed to be revered for its freedom for the people. What a load of CRAP!

"None of us are free. Everyone is chained, none of us are free"-Solomon Burke*

My Restless Mind, Body & Soul

I am grateful for the solitude today, even though it is only one day and not long enough, I don’t know what to do with it. Tomorrow I will have to get up and go to work again and put it all on again.
I am tongue tied and mentally twisted up like a bowl of spaghetti. I just want to sleep, to be unconscious, to escape any thought, feeling, rage or response to anything....anything at all. The radio plays in the background and I am surprised I am allowing even that. I don’t want any stimulation, not even the TV. I don’t want to hear the phone ring, go outside, even open the door to look outside. I am frozen inside and I want to freeze the outside as well. Still, I am impatient at the slow speed at which the my hand writes these lines, a snails pace and my hands start to hurt. Contrary to my heart, my mind is flying and spinning around me. I can almost see the thoughts...like pesky flies just bobbing around in the dizzy aura that my head seems to have become. I am impatient at how slowly these words come out and I think, ‘I’ll go to the computer perhaps, typing is faster,’ but even that is too much of an expenditure of energy. Right now I feel no love for the desk and the chair, regardless of the ease and flow of the keyboard, I need a soft place to land, and the couch is the nearest thing. TV is really good therapy sometimes because it doesn't require a response.

I can feel my inner impatience...and of wanting to skip over these elementary words, to skip over the process, skip past the rage behind it ...just fast forward to the crux of the issue. I suppose in a crude and less descriptive way, I am trying to get myself someplace else and fast, and somewhere way past where I am now. Where I am now, is not only an emotionally turbulent place, but it can be an unrelenting physical place as well. Through in some boredom and restlessness, indecision, anger and hopelessness and you have got a lot going on all at once.And those are just my feelings.

There does comes a point when you feel you want to take it down to the barest of levels and strip it down at least until you feel some solace and comfort. To stop all the false smiles, the fake “I’m fines” and really feel what’s wrong. Most people don’t want to do this because they don't want to admit things about themselves.. Somehow, acknowledging my feelings is a plus because it can serve as a navigation point. I find it to be very comforting. Lately I’ve been so busy putting a face on for everyone that I have forgotten what’s important to me and who it really is that I am underneath it all. There are so many parts of me that I can hardly see anymore. The dusty remnants of something I once dreamed. Things I would love to have ventured into and things I use to love to do. The risky moments of my youth that I can no longer do. But in my world today there is little time to do them anyway. All those things that make me feel good, that put a sparkle in my eye and a feeling of comfort in my heart, well, they are all drowned by the responsibilities of surviving. Drowned by all the have to’s of working and bills and worries. Drowned by the pain in my heart over paths not taken and loves lost. Drowned by the monotonous, unfulfillable and so very UNREWARDING existence I live each day. I mean, there are no vacations, no times of joy, no seizing the moment, no excitement about the day, no opportunity and no looking forward to the vision for the future. No human touch. At this point I cannot imagine what the future will be like. Those things that once held the tiniest of sparks for me have become almost non existent. Like a distant ship fading on the horizon, it’s almost gone...you can barely see it as it drifts over the horizon. Just like the best parts of yourself...they get pushed up into the cobwebbed corners, into all those dark little crevices that you can’t really see into, so you barely remember them. You can’t see them anymore, like forgetting someones face.....all you can see is trouble and strife, All you can feel is the stickiness of the dark cobwebs.

The irony of life is that it is a fantasy to start with. After you get over the ideal of it, it’s over. Childhood is a complete waste of time. Where does it get you? In civilized countries you spent too many years doing nothing. Once you become an adult, it's really over and you are no longer allowed to be child like. You cannot do nothing or you won't survive. You aren't allowed to stay in the moment anymore. The romance of greeting each day happily day eludes you. If you want romance,you have to seek it out, find it and maintain it. Everything becomes maintenance. Maintain the body, maintain your relationship, maintain the house and appliances, your car, your pets, your children's development...everything needs maintenance. You may have gotten wiser and more tempered with age but you have paid a price. A big price. Nothing is simple. I think all the complexities that things have become have worn us out. Politics is interwoven into everything here and it robs our experiences of goodness. The simple task of maintaining and surviving on my own, is not so simple and it becomes the biggest burden of all.
So my solitude and my retreat from my world won't last. The night will come and I will fight going to sleep because I know I have to get up tomorrow and go out there. I know tomorrow I have to face the same trials and tribulations with out any rest and recovery. I know tomorrow brings another opportunity shot to change it. I will wake up in my bed in the morning and say here we go again.

Left in the dark

Nothing surprises me anymore. It's a fact the world has changed, and it definitely isn't all wine and roses. Actually it never has been, but for the time that I have been here, I have seen more betrayal and backstabbing in my own life than I care to mention. Cursed as a Gemini, my life seems to walk hand in hand with the opposites. One hand is holding with Grace........like spirit is walking beside me, keeping me from homelessness, keeping me aware of gratefulness, keeping up my appearances, and having a built in safety valve for me. Possibly growing well for the human limitation I inhabit. Then, on the other hand is Bad Luck, being a trouble magnet, with a propensity for being blamed for things I didn't do, never being really understood by the majority, being in the wrong place at the wrong time a lot, and of course for whatever reason, having lousy money karma. So many unfortunate things keep happening to me it becomes second nature, and a despondency envelopes the spark that I once had residing within me. Hence, my constant forlorn attitude.

From the continual barrage of bad experiences I continue to have, I'd say my view of life has become jaded and has soured quite a bit. I have become very anti-social. People that are too happy are too much for me. I can't take too much good news because in my life there isn't much of it. It isn't happening to me. Ever. I can't smile when I am screaming inside. Then there are the people who just choose to ignore all the bad stuff, and live in denial and think nothing is wrong with life. They want you to do the same.They are the hardest be around. That's like being tied to the whipping post and flogged, and thinking....no biggie. But I could never fake it. Part of my character makeup is truth and being true. And the truth of my experience is calamity. So this has become my m.o.......and it happens all the time.

I never understood what childhood was for. When your a child you have little true freedom in the outside world. Maybe you do in the inner world, but you are still subject to what you have to do when you leave that place. Everyone has an opinion of what you should be doing and how you should do it. Maybe childhood is the only time you can remain truly free from the burdens and misunderstandings of adulthood. You dream of growing up so that you can do what you want. But once you are an adult, you have many responsibilities and even more rules that you have to abide by every day.

I think rules and responsibilities kill the spirit when abused. If you believe in guilt...then you can also drag and punish yourself on a daily basis just for living who you are. I don't feel totally responsible for all the bad things that have happened to me, although there are many things I would love to do over. Hell, I would probably do my whole life over if I could....(I don't want any Gods or Angels to hear that because I don't really want to do this again.). And what if I had the chance to? I would still be born into the same family, grow up with the same problems, and still have the mind I had then so how would it be different.? Would I be allowed to turn back time knowing fully what I know now? Would I act differently, and would I be smarter and more motivated? I don't know what makes me act the way I do sometimes.

Yeah.....so I have learned a great deal of things like how to keep afloat when you have $5.00 left to your name. I've learned how to get around doing without. Juggle and improvise. Rob Peter to pay Paul. I have learned you really do survive a heartbreak (but not without a price) and wake up the next day and you have to go on. I have learned how to hold my head up high when I have really been shit on. And through trial and error I have learned how to manage things a lot better, and to cope better. So I have learned to put up a type of “indifference field around me” to keep any unpleasant things from truly setting up camp in my mind. That field is especially prominent regarding men or money. Big tender spots, those two areas. Because there is always activity around those subjects. And like everyone, the stories have become big soap operas, big patterns laid down, torrential Tsunami's and always, always, big heartbreak.

The man thing comes from my Father, whom I never knew and never had. He jumped ship when I was a baby.....and who knows why my mother made the arrangements she did, but it was decided by the two of them that I would never know him and he would never have anything to do with me. He left my mother for another woman, and stayed with her until he died. She was apparently a dominant bossy kind of woman, and he was apparently, a coward. So, men always leave me. My spinster Aunties always spoke of men as complete evil. So although its not in the forefront of my psyche, that entire episode of Dad leaving daughter when I was still in swaddling cloth, imprinted me with the thought that men are not true. It also set me up to search for the father figure that was vacant for my entire life. I wanted someone to take care of me, but not an old man. My entire romantic life has been chasing that concept around for all my adult years here on earth. Even though I still believed in Love as the ultimate. Unfortunately, something within my chemistry, whether spoken or not, chases away suitors or even the thought of them. I've never really been married. I've had plenty chase me, but none brave enough to stay around. Hence they also lack the commitment to stick it out with me, along with the thought of my importance like my father. It is just what I attract from holding the whole “dad” thing within the mind of my cells. Now,.........knowing this...and knowing the pattern was set up from an early, early age, all the experts and the New Age gurus say sheer acknowledgment of the problem or pattern is supposed to melt it away. Or at least set it in motion for healing. I have to say from my experience, I don't believe that to be true. I may not have paid as much mind to the entire Father abandonment thing throughout my life (sort of what you don't know, doesn't hurt you kind of thing) but it has reared its ugly head over and over when a relationship has popped up. Right now, it is looming over me like some freak clown nightmare. And a man to match my caliber seems to be the farthest thing from me. Someone who really knows I am a nut case but loves me anyway. He doesn't even have to be my soul mate (what a concept). But something, if not me, is keeping him away.

Haven't figured the money thing out at all. I often feel like I was once a queen, and wanted to know what it was like to live among the peasants. Maybe some evil genie granted my wish and cast me in this binding spell, because I seem bound to a life of not being able to generate the money I need. Even the basics. Unable to escape it or shift it.

So how do you view things then? Coming back to the now of where things are today, right here, right now, July 2006. Now that the world has changed, and you yourself have changed, and you haven't even had time to catch your breath? With my uncanny ability to create calamity and misfortune without a blink , how do I make it stop? Why then can I not create the positive and wonderful things too? Is it my lack of joy regarding life in the cloak of the flesh, that drags my very essence into the bowels of life's worst hardships? I'd really like to know why most everyone's life has never (outwardly) put them where they really want to be. Why we are all so lacking in the things we truly need and deserve? I want to know why this is. I ask...Is there really a secret formula to anyones success or happiness? Some people are just born into abundance and good times. But don't they say that life is what you make it? Well, if that's true, then what about poverty, lack of opportunities and prejudice for the not so fortunate? If we all knew the secret, would we be able to utilize it for the progression of our experience? Or will it continue to be shrouded from our view? I am always asking both myself and everyone, For what purpose must we suffer? Growth alone cannot be all the grist for the mill.

My life continues to be a complete paradoxical experience, With no real answers to the most pressing questions. I do know why some things happen, but when you are in it, your operating, your life and choosing from every single variable that is around you. Each person personalizes everything that happens to them, to suit and feed their needs whatever they might be. It's like all these experiences are made to measure and are as unique and personal to every person, as the millions of combinations of numbers, much like a phone number. So..... Here's a question.....How many times can I change my phone number????

Despite it all, your mind will trick you with rationalizations that the place you are in is really not that bad because you have become comfortable and familiar with it. You've then convinced yourself, like it or not that your life is OK because you feel safe within your routine and environment. Some people will even say that they are happy with their life and I don't always believe them. I am sure down underneath the skin and the bones is a dream or a love that they have shoveled under the rug for whatever reason. All those sacrifices. All those “have too's,,” all those “I shoulds” just rob you of extending your true natural joy into an exploration allowing yourself and your creative abilities to blossom and flourish. I'm sure that would feel pretty dam good if we all really did follow our hearts and our dreams AND IT WORKED OUT!
So, I want to know, where do all those un-manifested hopes and
dreams go? Who is the appointed collector of tears?

Are we forever going to be subjected to only fragments and wishes, regrets and longings for things we didn't do? Wouldn't do, or were prevented from doing? How long does it take to reach a state of completion, at least for this menial and limited intellectual existence? There seems to be too many questions here on Earth and not enough answers. I stand eagerly awaiting the download of answers in hopes of finding a reason just to open my eyes for another 30 years. People in the know insist that we really do have the answers within us, but how true is that really? Do you know the truth within you? Are we just fancy to the whims of destiny and to the will of that which we call God? Or are we truly in control of what we are?

I think that the Gods and Angels, the Puppet Masters, or whomever is running this show, need to update and upgrade the Earth 101 book and let us in on a few things don't you? We are just stumbling around Century after Century, unaware, spiritually in the dark, pillaging and conquering, and just acting stupid. There is no right way, no one way and the whole process seems too slow. We as humans never seem to be really clear about what it is we should be doing within our lives (except serial killers maybe) and everyone here is unhappy and suffers in some respect. Is this place then truly the realm of suffering? How many people feel like they live out Groundhog Day every day...(hands up now). Mine went up first of course because I am up to here with it.......I cannot decipher one day from the next, and there is no joy in any day.

Where can I go from here?

Wherever you go, there you are!

I've been procrastinating way too much lately. Procrastination is not really a trait of mine. But, I have developed a continual repulsion of rotten experiences that have befallen me. I don't want any adversity, no cross words, different opinions, no authority, no rejection, no "to do's" and no false accusations. So procrastination has introduced itself as a valuable avoidance tool. I've been going through a real rough period for over a year. Life shifts, heartbreak, job loss, financial tsunami, and plenty of things I didn't want but had to endure. I felt like Krisna’s Ajuna, constantly lost and feeling in the dark about which way he should turn in life and seeking guidance for the confusion and ignorance that being in the human body entails. Fallow is the breath I breathe in and out. Automation is my bodies routine. I am comfortably numb inside. To me its as if the streamlined download from the divine heavens is temporarily out on maintenance leave. I seem to be getting the same recorded message….“Please hold for the next available download of grace, pure bliss and unlimited joy.” But nothing is coming through. I'm still waiting. What’s going on up there? God must be on the unlimited golf course of eternity, and my angels have got to be stoned on heroin somewhere in some dank and smokey basement. I feel stranded-AGAIN. Better get the breakdown squad out. Whatever it is that will bring me relief please show up because, I am dialing 911 in my mind each day. No one is responding.

We all like to think we have some control. But we don't have any. The only control we may have is to make a choice to walk away from something unpleasant. The rest seems part and parcel of living on planet Earth. Good or bad as we see it. When I was forced into this change (that I did not choose ) at the beginning of it all, I was so very brave. I was proud of my courage and I was facing it with an incredible calm and maturity. No tantrums, just peaceful resistant acceptance. I gave myself a chance to prove to myself that I could be independent, and succeed, and like it while I was there. In the beginning it gave me lots of things to mull over, to think about, to question. Even to challenge, but at the time I did not have the tools to go forward with anything I wanted to do. I had to really think about some of the things I wanted. My life was filled with so many things I didn't want. So I delved right in to the pile of shit expecting to make great progress. But nothing happened. The new adventure didn't come. The insights and revelations didn't appear either. I just got covered in more shit. Months went by and I carried on with my life as I knew it and then, just as I was settling in more and trying to shake off all the shitty-ness I felt, the ax fell and fell hard and I lost my job. It was my only source of income, and it was summer. That is like the death plague in my town. Summer and unemployed! It was the worse thing that could have happened, really it was, because it made everything seem all the more uncertain. Here I was in a new place, on my own, no one else to cover me, what magic trick was I going to conjure up now? Now I had a lot of time to do a whole lot of what? Being out of work and short on income did not afford me to move very forward. I became very bored and impatient for things to change for the better.

I thought I was holding my own in my private nightmarish situation until that one fateful day. That day my hope gave out. It was like loosing blood from a great gaping wound. I could no longer contain it. I couldn't take anymore shit-I was overflowing with it. The despair kept pouring out. Its still pouring out. Nonetheless, I still awoke each day, much to my dismay, and bandaged myself up like everyone does except now I was pretending that everything was fine. That was very unlike me. I tried not to walk around under this doom cloud all the time. Of course, the inevitable financial Tsunami followed even though I gave my best efforts in keeping afloat. I floated and floated and clung to my tiny raft to which I was attached. More months and months went by and more changes came. A few were considered to be good by most standards, but within me the anger was still brewing like a volcano. I felt like it was raining for a lot longer than forty days. And my little boat kept getting capsized.

Now, a year has passed and you would think after this long period of time, that things would have improved or settled down. New opportunities, new people, new something!! No, no Nothing. Tick, tick, tick......the time went by and I felt like I was living “The Tell Tale Heart.” or “Four walls and a Funeral.” All this time on my hands could get dangerous. If nothing else I at least needed a distraction, just to tide me over from the doldrums of living on pennies and having nothing exciting going on in my life. I am not recovered. I want to go shopping. I want new jeans. I want a new beau. I want to be able to fix things. I wanted freedom from all of this. I want a completely different type of life and one that is more pleasant and bountiful than I have ever experienced.

I did of course, survive all the pain and the void of heart that it was. I had hoped for some relief, but instead I got sickness. I suppose I couldn't keep the charade up but I couldn't contain my anger any longer either. It came out in little ailments that affected my everyday experience and especially my demeanor even more. Man did I get grumpy! Yeah, I was sick of everything all right, and it came out in full force. Three months worth of sickness. It gives me even more time to think doesn't it? But I ask myself as I face each day, “have I gotten anywhere?” I would say no. I have had to go backwards and sacrifice in many ways just to survive. Ways I shouldn't have to. I know that I am still mulling over the past, but its hard not to. The past is still right on my heels. Nothing blissful, loving or joyful has come about or even remotely into view. I envy the people who can paint a veneer of gladness and ignorant bliss over all the bad situations, setbacks, atrocities, despairs of the heart and struggles in the modern world. I am not one of those people. But I have been trying to view things differently, but that does not guarantee that you will have different and happier experiences. So far my misery remains within my experience. So what now?

You think your in control?

There are just too many things to do these day. We are continuously bombarded by a barrage of“to dos” during the short waking time span of our busy days. In a society where we have lusted after and even structured our lives and dreams around having more “free” time, and more recreational time to pursue our dreams and hobbies, we now have less and less time to do any of those things. It’s all scheduled now. And you and I are probably taking less and less time off from our busy schedules for leisure. Ask any weekend warrior. Ask anyone what they want more of these days, and more often than not, their answer would be “time” or “money.” Of course, unless you are filthy rich, a celebrity, or an Arab in the oil business then of course you will always have a need for more money. But most of us are not in those positions and have so many things going on everyday we all wish we had more time. I think we are all trying to survive in our own ways. My life is a non-stop pedal bike of survival.

I spent the majority of my morning, this morning on my day off, today sitting in the waiting room of a car repair shop getting repairs done to my car. I can’t think of anyplace more boring that has an effect on you like an anesthetic (with the promise of putting you to sleep) than waiting in a repair shop waiting room. The walls are bare and dingy. The floor looks like its been there for 30 years. The magazines are usually car magazines or something like TIME or Sports Illustrated. There’s a vending machine full of peanuts and junk food. Oh joy The experience is second only to the DMV, no vending machines there....but at least you get to watch the circus of people around you while you also keep an ear open for your number to be called. The loudspeaker monotone that calls out the numbers does the opposite of the repair shop waiting room and jolts you awake rather than putting you to sleep as you salivate the minutes away hoping its your turn.

Still, I consider NOT being at work a GODSEND, and anything else that I can do or not do on my day off is something that is totally on my own terms. No matter what I have to do, or what I tell myself I need to accomplish, I can change it if I want to and not be in any disfavor for it. But is any day really on my own terms? I sometimes wonder. I think it’s a key issue in peoples lives today. The media has us convinced that we are in control and that we are extememly special. Yet in real life the opposite is more often the norm. They will tell you that you are special, you are entitled, you deserve it and that you can have it your way. You can stick up for yourself and not be persecuted for it. You can get upset if you feel you have been wronged. And you really can change things as well TV and movies are great brainwashers for that. The trouble is we all believe it That’s the hilarious part. In real life, you can’t have it your way most every where you go (unless you are on a remote island or extremely rich). You are not free to be yourself and do what you want when you drive down the street, you are not free to be yourself and do what you think is best when you are at work, and you are not free when you are anywhere outside of your own home. Its all governed by the enumerable rules, regulations and codes of behavior you must adhere to, more so nowadays than ever before. Even speaking a harsh word to your neighbor could land you in a law suit in today’s knee jerk overly sensitive politically correct conservative society. The illusion that you are in control is just that, an illusion...a mirage. Something they want you to believe. Something you yourself have convinced yourself of. What seems to happen is that you switch to that oblivious state of denial the minute you walk out your front door. You have to put on a smile for the world regardless of how you feel inside. Sometimes it just becomes automatic. Oh.....control.......we are all dying to have it. And we are all grasping at this invisible dream in this day to day existence.

So how do you gain an uncompromising position of control in today’s ruthless dog eat dog world? Good question. The answer could be definition, charisma, organization and tenacity. Knowing what you want and using all of your abilities to get it. Keeping on track as much as possible, and returning to your original plan if you get sidetracked. Keeping to your idea, even anticipating how it will unfold as you see it. And not allowing anyone to overstep their bounds with you. The variables involved are the enigma of life which are those unseen and unknown little shifts that can change everything in a moment. Sometimes its best not to be discouraged by them even if you see them as bad. It can be a little a thing as a change in plans, or as life changing as a death in your immediate family. You wake up with a splitting headache and it changes your whole plan for that day. You get in an accident on the way to work, have a flat tire or turn down a road with a long standing traffic delay. Maybe you loose your momentum for what you had planned on doing and end up accomplishing nothing. It’s endless the amount of annoying little changes can shift your entire day into another direction. But how can you stop them from coming? How can you stop them from crossing your path?

Sometimes your whole day just goes completely differently than what you had in mind. But what can you do about it? The best thing is not to get all bent about it, or mad at yourself about what you haven’t accomplished. The best thing to do is accept it, embrace it, and let it go. Try accepting that that is how your day went and tomorrow will be better. And control? Well, you can only control yourself.....even if you can’t control the world. In reality you are the only one you truly have any control over. Knowing that, in my opinion, the idea of control seems a futile excecise in frustration. Give it up.

2005 SUCKED Can I have a Refund?

I don’t know when I have had a worse year, than the past year. Well, I suppose I have had years that were just as bad...but I am so fresh out of this one, that I can only relate to what I can remember. And I can remember a lot of the details of this year 2005. I have done a good job at surviving all the trials and tribulations that both my relationships and my relationship to the world has brought this year. Now, I can see a change in me, a little more clarity but I do not know my place in the scheme of it all. I hate being constantly in the dark and not knowing. Which direction should I concentrate my efforts on now? My mind wants to get philosophical about it and says to just face whatever comes next and not worry about what happens but I feel like I have already done that, and done that quite bravely. In the beginning of 2005, when I first had to move, from a live-in situation to being totally by myself, I faced it with all the strength and conviction I knew I had, even though I was hating the whole experience. Making it work financially was a huge hurdle. It had been over 25 years since I had been really on my own and didn’t have someone to share expenses with. For some reason I had faith that things would not fail for me at that time. I got up every day, although I was filled with anger and sorrow and I walked on. A few months into that adjustment, thinking that this was just a "waiting period" before some new life would start, I loose my job, my main source of income. That was a huge setback for me, for matters of money and humiliation can eat at the roots of all of my weaknesses as well as my most solidly built foundations. Going through the summer, unemployed, fresh from the break up of my relationship, without a lot of money to sustain my expenses was grueling. I was trying to make things work every way I could but continously kept experiencing setbacks. Inside my frustration was on over boil. I wondered when the end of the road would present itself and I would be packing again because I couldn’t keep it going. I wondered most of all why I had chosen this swanky apartment only to have to leave it. I wondered why everything that I thought was going fine, really wasn’t going fine and I was the last one to know it. I wondered how life could be so secretive and not let you in on its plan. But, none the less I just kept going....there was nothing else to do but keep going. Just dust yourself off and get back up on the horse regardless of how bumped and bruised I felt inside.

In the fall, a minute breakthrough came just like a rainfall after a huge drought. At last I thought. Here we go, this is the next adventure.Things are moving. But why is it that something comes along to save you and it’s the last thing you really want to do? It started a turn of events that came to rescue me, most of which I did not like or want to be involved in. But, I couldn’t afford to ignore any offer nor to be emotionally or financially stubborn, prideful, or ungrateful. So I went along with everything that came my way just to rescue myself. I stuck my nose to the grindstone and just did the work with everything I had placed in front of me. I got my head above water. But my vessel is far from being patched up and in good sailing order.

Now, Christmas has come and gone thank goodness, and I am still here, like I was at the beginning of the year doing the exact same thing..... scratching my head, puzzled, with many questions still on the tip of my toungue, and asking myself not just "why am I here" (in this new scenario) but now its "what was that all for?" Was I supposed to have learned from all this crap? And did I? Have I changed from the experience? Have I gotten better? I suppose the answer is yes. But how much? What I do feel is that I spend too much time just surviving only to hand it all over to bills and the rent. No other area gets as much attention because I am too busy just trying to pay for everything. What kind of life is that? I am still feeling very angry but it gets put aside. At least I can pay for some of my maintenance I proudly proclaim, unlike before. If I didn’t keep doing the things that bring me money, I wouldn’t be able to maintain anything I need physically. Such a catch 22. So much maintenance at the sacrifice of everything else. Why is it like this? It’s become a sore spot. An underlying dissension that is always there. And where is love? It’s like love has vanished from my world. Sure, sometimes I smile and laugh, but that’s usually when I am starting to crack from the pressure and I just get loopy. What fun is that?
So here we are now right back at the beginning of another year AGAIN. How quick we can observe the time pass. Here I am again, maybe not so puzzled like I was last year at this time, but still asking the same question...OK what now? I found from my experience last year that I just had to keep going and not worry about how it would all unfold, because I had no choice but to do so. But this year, I have some aspect of choice it would seem, I just don’t know what the choice will be. But I want it to be something good. There are a lot of things I want, and from all the trials of this year I have really narrowed down what areas I want to make manifest. My energy wains when it comes to more toiling and effort to get somewhere. I can’t take anymore strife. I’m getting pretty tired of all the broken pieces, unfinished chances, and constant lack of joy my life seems to have become and I just want to make it peaceful, loving, and abundant. I don’t think that that is too much to ask. And I want to be able to easily afford my basic expenses-what’s wrong with that?

I want to ask for a miracle, that some how magically all of my dreams come true and are precisely what I want. I want to ask for my "stuck" patterns to change, I want to ask for an end to suffering, not just in my life but for all of mankind. I want to ask for love and blissful days and nights. This constant barrage of struggle just wears you out. How can your spirit soar from constant adversity? 2006 is looming over my shoulder, but what it will bring is still hidden, obscured from my view. I deserve better this year. And so I journey on once more.
To be continued.......

Lost in the maze AGAIN!!

It’s been a rough and bumpy year for me…and I don’t feel like its over yet. Recently, I have been faced with a lot of things I have not liked. And a lot of things I have had to get use to liking. Call this year my 911, or my hurricane Katrina, but the happenings and events have affected my rhythm of my life in a prominent way. While it was all going on, I questioned all that I was experiencing, especially since a lot of it was forced onto me. I watched everything I was feeling with a Sherlock Holmes scrutiny. I suffered greatly in my heart over many issues I could not understand. Nearly a year later I still don’t understand, and have not concluded any reason or answers as to why any of these events happened. I have looked for other things to crop up as the reason for the “one door closes and another opens” type of thinking I tried to uphold in the beginning. But nothing happened to fill in the blanks. I have only awoken to find that I have just been existing and so locked in this place of despair and disheartened living that I haven’t looked out further than my immediate dilemmas. My heart is just not in it.
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There is much inner dialog happening within me, seeing things from both sides and I know that age has some part in this play. Trying to accept what is…..and wondering where next I should turn my attention. Again, my lack of interest in practically everything can be quite the deterrent. The “should have” guilt mongers hang around my thoughts like the Dementers (from Harry Potter). They hover, waiting to suck any bit of spark I do get by convincing me that those should haves and could haves are all totally my own fault and my destiny just did not lie there. I see it everywhere in the creative sense. Things I could have made, designed, drawn, or started as a business, THEY ARE EVERYWHERE TO REMIND ME OF YET MORE FAILURE. The changes in my mind, in my thoughts, and how I view things are subtle but obvious. Dreams I have are profound but quickly forgotten. “I wishes”…long forgotten and unfulfilled. A very jaded and bitter character walks the world each day. This same person never wants to rise from beneath the sheets. Time has become too valuable to let slip by. But it eludes me except on a very rare occasions. So as the days go on, I am finding I want to walk down a different road. But I am jaded. I have known better. I still don’t know which road that is but I want to find it. And I want to find it soon. But sticking my head out…well from experience I know it’s not all its cracked up to be. I almost don’t want to…but the world I am living in now is outgrown and done. Some other level of searching needs to take place. It’s not like a searching when you’re young. Its not a thirst to know, to feel, or to experience, nor to posses….. its more a search of remembrance. I have forgotten so much…and now start to forget even simple things like the names of things…adding my own misinterpretations into words and it leaves me wondering why I can’t make sense of anything. Where is my mind these days?

Meanwhile……back in the world of living in the body, being human and having to deal with the ridiculous insanity of it all, I want to give the illusion that I am in complete control. For once. Like I have some element of command about the way things are for me. And I want it to be evident in a subconscious way. Maybe I can even convince myself as well as others who meet me. Like I had actually been a success in whatever it was. That my life isn’t a complete waste of time. Actually in essence I do have what I think of as control, but as a Gemini I dwell in the land of opposites, so I also do not feel as if I have any control at all. My life consists of one long extended “to do” list. I am sure you too can relate. A consistent exercise of running on the hamster wheel. A culmination of forced choices and I have toos. And that’s all I think of every minute of each waking hour of each passing day of all of my years. The wheel that I am stuck on. Sometimes I allow myself to rest, but not often. It is when the body and the intellect cross wires that I have to retreat, and stop, and just exist as is. I feel like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, always in a rush, always too serious. I have seriously forgotten the wonder of my so called wonderland.

What happens is, like most of us in today’s modern world, I just go, go, go, in a quest for accomplishment. Not necessarily to reach success but always making attempts, as I try to complete a project, a task, a thought, trying to put it behind me and being pleased with myself about the result. These attempts are mostly in vain. There will always be something new to follow, something else to get rid of, something to screw up inadvertently, something your not doing that you cannot see and of course some chemical spark that entices a smidgen of excitement in this weary and worn old soul. I wish I understood why those sparks only comes so rarely now, and why my life is so consumed with work, money, my bills, driving, maintaining a posture of good health, maintaining a cool temperance, and maintaining a place to live. So much flippin maintenance!! And lets not forget all those “to do’s. ” I am always trying to recover from the race which is the daily pace of the city. Running from all the rats and always in recovery.

That brings me back to the control question again….because I am in control to some degree, but in my mind I am an unwilling participant. I have lived a life time of mostly forced choices, to survive or to fulfill a need. Then there are the other choices to stop myself from simply dying inside. But everyone has their vices, and since we cannot always rely on anything external to supply us with what we need…..we create our own cup of the holy grail inside our minds and chase after it. Unfortunately, like most humans I have a mountain of bad choices, that have taken a part of the spark that use to light my way, with each wrong turn.. The spark of inspiration that use to convince me to continue on is no longer there……at least I cannot see it anymore.

Instead of doing all this mindless pretending just to survive and pay the rent, I really want to do something I like with the few people I enjoy and can laugh with. I think adulthood is a huge trap, and I can really understand why Peter Pan wanted to stay a boy all his life. Once you cross over from child to adult you’ve sealed your fate. You can never see the world the same again. I want to stop worrying so much how I am going to survive. I don’t think I remember how to have fun. There are too many other things to do. But those other things sustain my life as an adult. It’s the ultimate catch 22.

So you find me this December trying to get back to myself, being stand off-ish….confused, unhappy (still), and just generally unenthused you’ll know that I still haven’t found that old map that leads me outta here, and I am really lost in the maze. No need to send in a beacon....Gemini's love the puzzle.

Survival and Perspective

While I am by no means as misfortunate as the New Orleans residents who are now homeless and displaced all around, I am still feeling quite displaced myself as I go through another day in my own life within what I consider “the dark of uncertainty.” The Katrina Hurricane has actually temporarily allowed me to feel like I have it all, by diverting my attention from my own dilemma of jobless-ness, limited income and single-hood to that of people who have it much, much worse. As I am watching all this probably like most other Americans, glued to the TV every day, I am seeing something that the whole of America needs to also see from this unfortunate tragedy. What I am seeing is normal everyday people holding out a hand to another human being in need. This is something that we have almost forgotten unless such a tragedy comes along. In everyone's day to day we probably wouldn't be shaken if someone fainted in front of us. But similar devastating situations are all around us if we were aware of it. At least in reference to that, and in hopes within the United States, those people involved in those everyday troubles would have a home to rest in, water to drink, and clothes to wear, no matter how impoverish their conditions. If I have nothing else right now, I have the sanctuary of my apartment, which is definitely comforting, I have food and clothes to wear and air conditioned shelter from the blaring heat that is the storm where I live. I also have a monetary means of support for another month or two before that support goes away and my life gets even more uncertain. I can’t look any further down the road than that. And neither can some of these survivors. When it comes to the other side of the coin, the mental and emotional side, I feel completely confused if not completely void. Uncertain of direction that I am even interested in going, confused about having all this time alone and to myself, and very unsure of where I will land in my next venture of employment. And once I land there am I even going to want to be there? All too often I have taken a job I really didn’t want and been miserable and trapped by the need for money to survive. When we are all so preoccupied with just surviving the day to day, how can we attend to our spiritual and emotional needs? Even with so much alone time on my hands, you would think that I would be busy scrapping all my broken dreams together and forming another game plan to get me through the next hurdle but I am not. I am not enthusiastic nor motivated to move forward out into the world again. I am not getting any “light bulb moments” of inspiration, or anything that even remotely pulls me towards it. And I am viewing the world so much differently from this mid-aged, jaded, been there done that, been burned too much, perspective. It’s not always a positive outlook from behind my eyes. I’m worn out. And I am stressed out by the demands of society. I cannot imagine being 70 or 80 and sick on top of it…by then I am sure I would go to the extremes, either give up and die or go postal.

I often wonder if it is because I am totally by myself, with no other support system that nothing inspirational is filtering through. I mean, because I am so all consumed by just surviving, keeping creditors off my back, and keeping my electric bill paid. I would feel guilty if I went out to a restaurant to eat or rented a couple of movies. Money and how to get it, has become my biggest priority. My big weak spot has always been keeping the income coming in. I seem to go through fallow periods every couple of years where I cannot generate income on a steady basis. Something always happens….I loose another job or have a big car or medical expense that just taps everything I have. And why am I always creating this pattern? Or is it just bad luck? I would like to know the answer, not just sit here constantly guessing. So here we are again. Only this time I truly do feel on my own. I am no longer living with someone who can cover the rent while I look for another job, no longer living with someone who is willing to buy the groceries and pay the electric bill for me while I pick up the pieces. I am the chief cook and bottle washer, income provider, head of household and decision maker. This is a big, big adjustment for me at such an age. Loosing my job at such a time of adjustment just did not help.

My family’s circumstances aren’t much better. They are such that they too are barely treading water just meeting their day to day requirements of survival in these modern times. There isn’t any extra room in their houses, extra money in their wallets, or extra energy to attend to my problems. Doesn’t that sound like the story of everyone these days? But somehow we all seem to survive by the skin of our teeth. So, I am curious as to what will happen if I actually have to leave this apartment in 2 months time. This apartment that I had only just moved into 8 months ago, when I was “divorced.” This apartment I had only been living in 4 months before I lost my job. When I first moved in to the apartment I had so many things to adjust to that I wasn’t accustomed to. Just the break up of my relationship has still left me with a residual trail of particles I am still trying to dust off! The biggie was of course paying for every thing, completely by myself. But, as much as I hated it, and hated the thought of being alone, when I landed here, I felt that everything would be all right and that I shouldn’t worry. And while there is something inside me that isn’t worrying there is something else in the back of my mind that is fearing the worst. Who’s right then?

When a person who is in a position such as myself, and of course too, the Hurricane survivors, how can you be in a joyous state about the future? Just because you have your life, what else do you have? How can you go down the street smiling when you are distressed inside? Uncertain? Despaired? Distressed that things aren’t going to be alright?….that things as they stand are not alright. That your whole life as you know it, has been changed for you? Abrupt changes are just not good for the human psyche unless you’re the one initiating those changes. For me and for them, it’s still a forced choice. We have survived, but hope is damaged and fortitude is just about depleted. How do you carry on without being affected in who you are by what has happened to you? I ask for everyone here (from an everyday perspective), not just me, not just the hurricane survivors, but everyone that struggles with misfortune. How does life NOT change your perspective? How do you keep positive when you’re not rich? How do you keep your chin up when it seems you have nothing but bad luck? How do you remain honest in a world of dishonest people? Asking from the reality of living….how do we survive?

Down and Out in Unemployment Blues

In today’s world, the way people are being viewed by employers is changing rapidly. The ‘person’ in personnel is being omitted. Employers are loosing the human factor in their recruiting practices, especially in the blue collar and lower management and general job categories. With more of us in the work force and most of those being in the 18-30 year old range, the competition to land a job is tougher now than ever before. Employers are more likely to downsize or fire people easier than in past decades. If you go out and apply for a job today, regardless of how old you are or what work experience you have-be prepared! It will be an exhausting search, and a long one for many people. The big question remains in my mind is….”what are employers really looking for? This inquiring mind wants to know.

Before I plowed ahead into the languid sea of employment opportunity I thought it best to investigate some of the tools currently available for successfully landing that dream job. All the experts say that these are the things to have and do in order to get the job you want. Since so many changes have taken place in our modern world, I would have to update myself in the protocol required when looking for a job. I went first to the INTERNET. Four million of us turned to the Internet (A 33% increase since 2000), when initially beginning a job search. The Internet offers a plethora of information and examples on preparing yourself for an interview and how to have a fabulous resume in hand when you get there. On the Internet I could post my resume to thousands of prospective employers. Hummmmm. It seemed all I needed then was a great resume, having brushed up on my interview etiquette and the job was mine. Or so the story should go…………

I then decided to take the plunge and try and secure a position by applying in person. There were plenty of ‘help wanted’ signs posted in windows and doorways around town. I had polished up my resume making sure it was just right. Giving pertinent information for my prospective employer to see. Off I went then….bravely, confidently, dressed to kill with trusty resume in hand. I went to local businesses I felt qualified to work for in malls, strip centers, chain stores and offices. I also went to new businesses, hotels and restaurants opening up in my area. I diligently continued on, resume in hand. After going into a few dozen places to apply, I started wondering where this resume myth had come from. As you may have already guessed, I spent
a-l-o-t of time filling out that same generic job application for each place and receiving the same response over and over. “We’ll review it and call you.” If you apply in person (which many businesses request that you do), you are instantly handed this generic job application form and the person handing you the application insists that you fill out every little crevice, which is of course “their policy” whether you have a resume or not. Why do they need to know where I went to grade school? Do I really need to put down hobbies and civic activities? It made me wonder why I had spent hours on the resume at all. No one seemed interested in it. This was the norm when I went out time after time. It wasn’t long before my enthusiasm started to wear thin. I wanted to know what was wrong with looking at the resume first, then, if you were being considered for an interview or a job, asking you to fill out the appropriate form (this for those who DO have a resume). I surmised, contrary to popular belief that the resume is not your general calling card and will not necessarily get you through the door for an interview.

Not being one to be easily discouraged, I continued my quest. This time I scoured the want ads, both in the local paper and online classified as well through various employment websites. I hoped this would save me some time from going around from place to place. At least I knew these employers were hiring because they had placed a help wanted ad. I applied to many of the positions, faxing my resume to them (ohhh, so this is what the resume is for?) I wondered who these companies were that I was floating my resume out to. How many thousands of other resumes would end up on top of it? Would they even take the time to look at mine? Most of the ads did not say the name of the company, where it was located, or even who to address it to-just a fax number to send it to. I secretly hoped that I would become selected out of the thousands of resumes received, so that the HR manager could actually connect a face to the fact and call me in for an interview. I waited by the phone like a Pavlov’s dog, waiting for a chance to interview! So far, I have watched a lot of daytime TV! I quickly learned to let the answering machine do the waiting after that.

Another popular option for employers today is the job fair. This enables several companies or large companies to “bulk interview” This, I suspect, is another way employers have learned to cut both time and costs by prescreening applicants, inspecting us like a bunch of cattle looking for those who make the cut and those who don’t. These job fairs are always cheerfully manned by overly happy personnel people! I often wonder if these people are just clones from the shows ET, Access Hollywood or the local news station? They just seem too happy doing their job. However, since my job search was whittling down to a rationed level, I decided I was going to have to attend a few job fairs. One job fair I went to was for a well known airline. The HR people rambled on vaguely about the job description, but gave a lot of PR bull about how great this company was to work for. We were all asked to stand up, give our names and tell a little bit about ourselves in 2 minutes or less. There had to be at least 50 people in the room at the time. Afterward, names were called of the people who were to be considered for further interviews and the rest of us could leave. I had serious flashbacks of being back in school and not being picked for the team. Talk about not making the cut! But….there’s more!!! Another group interview I attended was for a large upscale department store. Most of us were applying for a sales position. I was also applying for a position in gift wrap. Individually, but in front of everyone else, we were asked to give our versions of what we though a good sales person should be. Those happy personnel people must delight somehow in putting everyone on the spot. We gleefully gave our definitions of good salesmanship hoping we would be saying the right things and be chosen for the job. I felt my own individuality slipping away as I heard those contrived answers coming from everyone’s mouth. What could I possibly say that was different after six other people had already spoken?

Once you actually get an interview, companies will have scripted questions they will ask you. Some of them will pertain to the specific job position you are applying for, but most of the jobs I applied for, the questions they asked me did not pertain to the job. I wondered if I wasn’t auditioning for a part in a movie, rather than interviewing for a job. Despite the many ridiculous and nothing to do with the job questions you get asked, my absolute take the cake Nobel Prize winners are the companies that use the computer application to determine if you are hirable at all. This is a test that you take before you are allowed through the golden doors of the personnel office to the real live human personnel people! This test will really push your buttons and get you going, no matter how much of a happy, positive and determined to succeed person you might be. This one will stick you like a burr under your saddle. Sure, it sounds efficient enough for today’s busy computerized world, but this test isn’t just about typing in your information. They want you p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l get into your head information. Seriously, the computer application not only “rates and scores” you, but will kick your butt to the curb like a bent up old IBM card if you don’t produce the right score with your answers. This whole job search was now becoming reminiscent of the TV show Big Brother 6. I cannot imagine anyone answering these questions in a negative manner but the test is so psychologically generalized you still endure 20 grueling minutes of a pretzel twisting, 46 question personality test. Some questions do not allow a neutral answer. Talk about frustrating!
I felt like I should have been applying to the FBI. I am surprised that I wasn’t asked on the application if I inhaled! I took five of these such tests. For one company, a nationwide retail department store, I went through the entire process for “any” miscellaneous job only to be informed by the computer at the end that I did not rate for ANY job in their company not even a janitor position!! Now that boosted my confidence and self esteem alright!! Another place I applied I also took a 45 minute computer application, which wanted the last three addresses I had lived at as well as the name of my landlord. I wasn’t applying for a loan, just a minimum wage job at a video store. I though the help wanted sign was at the ‘Blockbuster’ not the pre-screening room for a nuclear testing bunker!!

At this point, I was becoming a little discouraged, having done everything possible to be ones of today’s savvy job applicants and not landing a job, let alone that dream job I had been lead to believe was out there. I often did follow up calls like all the experts suggest, and even sent a thank you note or two. So why hadn’t I been snatched up for the charming and creative person I was? I wondered whatever happened to just calling an employer for a prospective job, talking over the phone briefly some of the surface points of the job in order for both you and the employer to weed out unlikely candidates, then making an appointment for an interview? Isn’t that what those happy personnel people are hired to do? Screen people? Back in the old days, that use to be a common practice with employers. Well, it isn’t that way anymore. Nowadays, a lot of employers still put ads in the paper but seem to neither have the time or the interest in speaking to people in person. And does every job applicant have to be humiliated and be subjected to a humiliating drug screening, or background and credit check before we are offered a interview? Are we now going to be a society that judges, brands and rejects solely on the basis of our answers to a computer test? Nowadays, it seems you need the right ‘look’, the right ‘rated’ personality, and the to the letter right qualifications. Not to mention being in the right place at the right time. If your points don’t ad up you aren’t going to get past the receptionist. The whole process of securing a job in today’s world has become like American Idol TV show where every avenue of your talent and personality is scrutinized down to the microscopic level in order for you to win. Except your not winning a million dollar contract here, you are just trying to win a job. The ratio of competition and credibility has crept too far into the minds of HR personnel and it has become unbalanced. There is an abundance of talented people out there. Lots of people enjoy working and want to do a good job. Are those good people really given a fair chance? Or has the other percentage of slackers now determined the standards for everyone from an employer’s perspective?

So keep in mind what you may be up against next time you go job hunting, especially if you are not just fresh out of college and have a good amount of experience behind you. Hopefully, when you land that dream job you won’t be subjected to an economic layoff, a nasty boss who has it out for you, or cutthroat fellow employees. Instead, you will have what has been promised to you for all your hard work, that dream job of being happily employed in something you love doing. Is there such a thing in today’s world?

Better Get The Breakdown Squad Out

I have definitely lost the spark that once resided within me, I can barely remember what it is like to get really excited and jazzed up about something. The gap between my divine essence and my everyday conscious existence is so wide I can no longer see the other side of it. It shouldn’t be like that, but that’s what this backwards planet does to you. The good news is that I have survived and I am still here. The bad news is my light is dim and my essence of love and kindness is drained from the constant battle of life. I feel like Krisna’s Ajuna, constantly feeling in the dark about which way he should turn in life and seeking guidance for the confusion and ignorance that being in the human body entails. But at least with Arjuna, Krisna is for the most part by his side guiding him along. Can’t say that I’m so lucky, and sorry, though I am graced in many respects, there’s no Krishna at my side. In fact it’s the opposite. I seem to be walking around these days with only a constant sigh and permanent frown on my face and in my heart. Fallow is the breath I breathe in and out. Its as if the streamlined download from the divine heavens is on hold. I seem to getting the same message….“Please hold for the next available download of grace, pure bliss and unlimited joy.” What’s going on up there? God must be on the golf course, and my angels have got to be stoned on heroin somewhere. Here I am, stranded again! Better get the breakdown squad out. Nothing seems to lift this continual inner frown, and this monotonous joyless drone of a feeling from me. It permeates everything. Drenching me like a Monsoon rain. I can feel the mental drip, drip, drip. In everything I do I feel as if I am completely despondent. But I am not really depressed or at least I don’t think I am, and I can usually recognize that chemical based female depression that comes and goes in a girl’s life because I have learned to recognize those hormone fluctuations. Guys will never understand, but I understand it on those days when it looms over me, and I accept that it will pass and it always does. The next day I always wake up and I am somewhere else in my head. Sometimes that’s a good thing. The funk is gone for the moment and on I go with life. But that’s not what this is and I cannot shake it. It’s there every day. It’s hard to force a smile to surface, and I feel as if my dog just died. Tragically, I don't have a dog.

Now, being in the wonderful position that I am in, which if you haven’t been following my blog, I am, 1) in fallow times, 2) painfully unemployed, and 3) very much without a lover. You would think that these three things are the causes of how I feel. And while they do throw some troubles into the brew I know it’s much deeper than that. It’s as if all the disappointments or regrets, bad choices, or experienced injustices have come knocking at the door like a telemarketer. You just want to hang up and ignore it. Inwardly, I am so calm, and practically despondent…still emotionally frozen and becoming all the more part of the big inner freeze I seem to be living in. Outwardly, I am not showing any signs of stress. But go past that veneer of calm and there’s a raging hurricane, a screaming child, and an angry, angry person rattling the cage just beneath the surface. Psychoanalyze that all you want but I don’t feel quite justified. How can I be in such a failing position so much? Could I possibly be in denial? Could I possibly be completely freaked out by my continuing fallow circumstances and not telling myself? Could I just be throwing an adult style tantrum behind closed doors? Well, a little. I know part of it is that I don’t like to be pushed so close to the wall. Squeaking by on the survival scale is not a pleasantry. It takes all the joy away, and you become more and more jaded until finally you just don’t care. I want to tell all my creditors hey, I am peddling as fast as I can here. Treat me like a person, not a numbered sack of coals. I’m a good hard working person who wants to pay their bills. I am not a scammer. But I cannot pay everything all at once. Especially when my income has been greatly reduced.

On one hand, I am wondering where I am going to end up, and if I am going to continue to keep it all together. But what leaks through most of all is not liking where I am now. And I am not a fan of waiting. I think life is too short. You blink and 10 years have passed. I don’t like stagnation…it gathers resentment and robs you of your confidence. I certainly don’t like it when the rug gets pulled out and everything breaks down. It’s so unnecessary so many times, and if it is necessary, I am not seeing the value of it. I now have an “I could care less attitude” about doing the right thing anymore because no matter what I try to do (and haven’t we all been at this point some time in our lives?) I still get lost, I still get in trouble, I still get dumped by job and people alike, I still get in debt, and I still get fucked over. I didn’t think I really felt that way anymore, but boy did it surface back up and swallow me whole with this last episode. People wonder why I have such a bad attitude? Why should I bother to do the right thing? It doesn’t pay off for me in fact, it always backfires.

It’s been a full two months since I was sacked from the job, and now 6 months into the break up and the big move. Being fired just buried me. The financial implications just blasted my world with a Sherman tank. With nothing going on in the job scene, being that it is the middle of summer in my town, there are no viable prospects on the horizon, I feel like I am just doing time, like John Lennon. Waiting for something that will never come. Watching the wheels. Wrestling with patterns I have, demons I recognize, and things I’ve wrenched my guts to try and change but can’t. I could easily be the poster child for Lennon’s poignant song “Working Class Hero.” Off and on the feelings of resentment and anger surface and subside, surface and subside. A lot of it is directed towards the working world out there and what a load of bullshit the majority of it is. I am sure everyone reading this can tell a tale or two of business incompendency that they have had to put up with. Right now though, with this working dilemma, I am beyond the last straw. I am sure a lot of people would say “oh, get over it, its just life” and I would reply “I’ll get over it when it changes” I am sure they would say “you’re the one who can change it” Really? I would say, “Prove it!” And while I know that what you dwell on manifests for you…I cannot dwell on a future that I can’t even imagine having. People have asked me, “well, what do you love?” and “what do you want to do?” To those questions I have no answers. Some of the answers are so far fetched they could never become reality. Some of the answers are branded into my brain. And that slows my progress. At least that’s what I believe. I am obviously within the throws of pessimism, and self-righteously say, “Dam right! Whether or not I am subconsciously punishing myself for something, or sabotaging any success I might be capable of, I don’t know. But I am really, really tired of it! I haven’t figured out the key to this Jumanji puzzle my life is yet, and I will die trying to do so. I go off and on with thinking its funny but I am not laughing and I certainly am not having any fun.