Lost in the maze AGAIN!!

It’s been a rough and bumpy year for me…and I don’t feel like its over yet. Recently, I have been faced with a lot of things I have not liked. And a lot of things I have had to get use to liking. Call this year my 911, or my hurricane Katrina, but the happenings and events have affected my rhythm of my life in a prominent way. While it was all going on, I questioned all that I was experiencing, especially since a lot of it was forced onto me. I watched everything I was feeling with a Sherlock Holmes scrutiny. I suffered greatly in my heart over many issues I could not understand. Nearly a year later I still don’t understand, and have not concluded any reason or answers as to why any of these events happened. I have looked for other things to crop up as the reason for the “one door closes and another opens” type of thinking I tried to uphold in the beginning. But nothing happened to fill in the blanks. I have only awoken to find that I have just been existing and so locked in this place of despair and disheartened living that I haven’t looked out further than my immediate dilemmas. My heart is just not in it.
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There is much inner dialog happening within me, seeing things from both sides and I know that age has some part in this play. Trying to accept what is…..and wondering where next I should turn my attention. Again, my lack of interest in practically everything can be quite the deterrent. The “should have” guilt mongers hang around my thoughts like the Dementers (from Harry Potter). They hover, waiting to suck any bit of spark I do get by convincing me that those should haves and could haves are all totally my own fault and my destiny just did not lie there. I see it everywhere in the creative sense. Things I could have made, designed, drawn, or started as a business, THEY ARE EVERYWHERE TO REMIND ME OF YET MORE FAILURE. The changes in my mind, in my thoughts, and how I view things are subtle but obvious. Dreams I have are profound but quickly forgotten. “I wishes”…long forgotten and unfulfilled. A very jaded and bitter character walks the world each day. This same person never wants to rise from beneath the sheets. Time has become too valuable to let slip by. But it eludes me except on a very rare occasions. So as the days go on, I am finding I want to walk down a different road. But I am jaded. I have known better. I still don’t know which road that is but I want to find it. And I want to find it soon. But sticking my head out…well from experience I know it’s not all its cracked up to be. I almost don’t want to…but the world I am living in now is outgrown and done. Some other level of searching needs to take place. It’s not like a searching when you’re young. Its not a thirst to know, to feel, or to experience, nor to posses….. its more a search of remembrance. I have forgotten so much…and now start to forget even simple things like the names of things…adding my own misinterpretations into words and it leaves me wondering why I can’t make sense of anything. Where is my mind these days?

Meanwhile……back in the world of living in the body, being human and having to deal with the ridiculous insanity of it all, I want to give the illusion that I am in complete control. For once. Like I have some element of command about the way things are for me. And I want it to be evident in a subconscious way. Maybe I can even convince myself as well as others who meet me. Like I had actually been a success in whatever it was. That my life isn’t a complete waste of time. Actually in essence I do have what I think of as control, but as a Gemini I dwell in the land of opposites, so I also do not feel as if I have any control at all. My life consists of one long extended “to do” list. I am sure you too can relate. A consistent exercise of running on the hamster wheel. A culmination of forced choices and I have toos. And that’s all I think of every minute of each waking hour of each passing day of all of my years. The wheel that I am stuck on. Sometimes I allow myself to rest, but not often. It is when the body and the intellect cross wires that I have to retreat, and stop, and just exist as is. I feel like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, always in a rush, always too serious. I have seriously forgotten the wonder of my so called wonderland.

What happens is, like most of us in today’s modern world, I just go, go, go, in a quest for accomplishment. Not necessarily to reach success but always making attempts, as I try to complete a project, a task, a thought, trying to put it behind me and being pleased with myself about the result. These attempts are mostly in vain. There will always be something new to follow, something else to get rid of, something to screw up inadvertently, something your not doing that you cannot see and of course some chemical spark that entices a smidgen of excitement in this weary and worn old soul. I wish I understood why those sparks only comes so rarely now, and why my life is so consumed with work, money, my bills, driving, maintaining a posture of good health, maintaining a cool temperance, and maintaining a place to live. So much flippin maintenance!! And lets not forget all those “to do’s. ” I am always trying to recover from the race which is the daily pace of the city. Running from all the rats and always in recovery.

That brings me back to the control question again….because I am in control to some degree, but in my mind I am an unwilling participant. I have lived a life time of mostly forced choices, to survive or to fulfill a need. Then there are the other choices to stop myself from simply dying inside. But everyone has their vices, and since we cannot always rely on anything external to supply us with what we need…..we create our own cup of the holy grail inside our minds and chase after it. Unfortunately, like most humans I have a mountain of bad choices, that have taken a part of the spark that use to light my way, with each wrong turn.. The spark of inspiration that use to convince me to continue on is no longer there……at least I cannot see it anymore.

Instead of doing all this mindless pretending just to survive and pay the rent, I really want to do something I like with the few people I enjoy and can laugh with. I think adulthood is a huge trap, and I can really understand why Peter Pan wanted to stay a boy all his life. Once you cross over from child to adult you’ve sealed your fate. You can never see the world the same again. I want to stop worrying so much how I am going to survive. I don’t think I remember how to have fun. There are too many other things to do. But those other things sustain my life as an adult. It’s the ultimate catch 22.

So you find me this December trying to get back to myself, being stand off-ish….confused, unhappy (still), and just generally unenthused you’ll know that I still haven’t found that old map that leads me outta here, and I am really lost in the maze. No need to send in a beacon....Gemini's love the puzzle.