2005 SUCKED Can I have a Refund?

I don’t know when I have had a worse year, than the past year. Well, I suppose I have had years that were just as bad...but I am so fresh out of this one, that I can only relate to what I can remember. And I can remember a lot of the details of this year 2005. I have done a good job at surviving all the trials and tribulations that both my relationships and my relationship to the world has brought this year. Now, I can see a change in me, a little more clarity but I do not know my place in the scheme of it all. I hate being constantly in the dark and not knowing. Which direction should I concentrate my efforts on now? My mind wants to get philosophical about it and says to just face whatever comes next and not worry about what happens but I feel like I have already done that, and done that quite bravely. In the beginning of 2005, when I first had to move, from a live-in situation to being totally by myself, I faced it with all the strength and conviction I knew I had, even though I was hating the whole experience. Making it work financially was a huge hurdle. It had been over 25 years since I had been really on my own and didn’t have someone to share expenses with. For some reason I had faith that things would not fail for me at that time. I got up every day, although I was filled with anger and sorrow and I walked on. A few months into that adjustment, thinking that this was just a "waiting period" before some new life would start, I loose my job, my main source of income. That was a huge setback for me, for matters of money and humiliation can eat at the roots of all of my weaknesses as well as my most solidly built foundations. Going through the summer, unemployed, fresh from the break up of my relationship, without a lot of money to sustain my expenses was grueling. I was trying to make things work every way I could but continously kept experiencing setbacks. Inside my frustration was on over boil. I wondered when the end of the road would present itself and I would be packing again because I couldn’t keep it going. I wondered most of all why I had chosen this swanky apartment only to have to leave it. I wondered why everything that I thought was going fine, really wasn’t going fine and I was the last one to know it. I wondered how life could be so secretive and not let you in on its plan. But, none the less I just kept going....there was nothing else to do but keep going. Just dust yourself off and get back up on the horse regardless of how bumped and bruised I felt inside.

In the fall, a minute breakthrough came just like a rainfall after a huge drought. At last I thought. Here we go, this is the next adventure.Things are moving. But why is it that something comes along to save you and it’s the last thing you really want to do? It started a turn of events that came to rescue me, most of which I did not like or want to be involved in. But, I couldn’t afford to ignore any offer nor to be emotionally or financially stubborn, prideful, or ungrateful. So I went along with everything that came my way just to rescue myself. I stuck my nose to the grindstone and just did the work with everything I had placed in front of me. I got my head above water. But my vessel is far from being patched up and in good sailing order.

Now, Christmas has come and gone thank goodness, and I am still here, like I was at the beginning of the year doing the exact same thing..... scratching my head, puzzled, with many questions still on the tip of my toungue, and asking myself not just "why am I here" (in this new scenario) but now its "what was that all for?" Was I supposed to have learned from all this crap? And did I? Have I changed from the experience? Have I gotten better? I suppose the answer is yes. But how much? What I do feel is that I spend too much time just surviving only to hand it all over to bills and the rent. No other area gets as much attention because I am too busy just trying to pay for everything. What kind of life is that? I am still feeling very angry but it gets put aside. At least I can pay for some of my maintenance I proudly proclaim, unlike before. If I didn’t keep doing the things that bring me money, I wouldn’t be able to maintain anything I need physically. Such a catch 22. So much maintenance at the sacrifice of everything else. Why is it like this? It’s become a sore spot. An underlying dissension that is always there. And where is love? It’s like love has vanished from my world. Sure, sometimes I smile and laugh, but that’s usually when I am starting to crack from the pressure and I just get loopy. What fun is that?
So here we are now right back at the beginning of another year AGAIN. How quick we can observe the time pass. Here I am again, maybe not so puzzled like I was last year at this time, but still asking the same question...OK what now? I found from my experience last year that I just had to keep going and not worry about how it would all unfold, because I had no choice but to do so. But this year, I have some aspect of choice it would seem, I just don’t know what the choice will be. But I want it to be something good. There are a lot of things I want, and from all the trials of this year I have really narrowed down what areas I want to make manifest. My energy wains when it comes to more toiling and effort to get somewhere. I can’t take anymore strife. I’m getting pretty tired of all the broken pieces, unfinished chances, and constant lack of joy my life seems to have become and I just want to make it peaceful, loving, and abundant. I don’t think that that is too much to ask. And I want to be able to easily afford my basic expenses-what’s wrong with that?

I want to ask for a miracle, that some how magically all of my dreams come true and are precisely what I want. I want to ask for my "stuck" patterns to change, I want to ask for an end to suffering, not just in my life but for all of mankind. I want to ask for love and blissful days and nights. This constant barrage of struggle just wears you out. How can your spirit soar from constant adversity? 2006 is looming over my shoulder, but what it will bring is still hidden, obscured from my view. I deserve better this year. And so I journey on once more.
To be continued.......