I am being told right now by all those “celestial whisperings”, the obvious signs, observances, dreams and horoscopes that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. There’s that word again……Supposed. Its been coming out of my mouth a lot lately. Supposed. I have been using that word a lot. I catch myself saying, “I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do”. This is how I have lead most of my adult life, thinking I am doing the right thing, working hard when I work, twisting the rules to fit me ever so slightly, but still I cannot seem to make things work successfully. And while I might beg to differ that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, the changes have most certainly been made for me, and here I am again.
Yes, I am still not settled with all that has happened to me in the last 6 months, still adjusting, still struggling with the issues, the finances, and the heartbreak. Right now is especially difficult because things keep stopping and starting but never going very far. I just don’t understand. While I am enjoying doing a whole lot of nothing…. I still need to survive. Am I the one doing this? If so, someone tell me to stop and tell me where the emergency break is! I don't know what it is about being rejected by someone that causes you to just manufacture bitterness making it a popular pharmaceutical and the main one in your medicine cabinet. When every thought of why they don't want you any more just makes you madder and madder. Or, even the thought that they aren’t calling you sets you off into a raging tangent. You manufacture more bitterness. Its like you are turning the knife in your chest with your own hand. I tried, I really did, to just suck it all in and just carry on, and maybe if everything else had not changed around me then maybe I could be processing and directing all this bitterness into something that would bring positive results in my life. It’s interesting right now, because I have been here before, and repeated a lot of what is happening to me right now, about 5 years back. And I can see times before that that I have also visited similar experiences of the same nature. The same repeat loop....looping as it was called by a lady who did a Spiritual Response Therapy reading on me. she said I was always looping. The indefinite repeat. Funny how I handle it now though, so calm, so collected, so very polite…but storming underneath it all desperate to bring balance to the opposing forces. Back then I could have gotten a part on “Days of our lives” for the Drama Queen I was. I was a master of Disaster…. but I kept seeking a calmer, better existence. But this latest episode, where the rug got completely pulled out from under me…well, hasn’t changed that disaster factor much…just made me better at handling it all. If you have read any, even the past two postings previous to this one you know it all just followed suit and turned into one big mudslide. And it just kept going…even in the silence of no postings. I just became emotional frozen inside and couldn’t budge a word. I am so angry still, but I am attempting here to bust through this barrier.
I've been trying very hard not to be bitter, as I get older. It's not a hard thing finding bitterness. If you don't have any now, just wait, you will! I have been trying also not to hold onto things that have molded me in the past to have such a jaded view. Even though I cannot do that with everything. Give yourself a few more experiences, let downs, misfortunes, and accidents, and you will start to see what I mean. I have been trying very, very hard to accept that there are so many things I cannot change, that I really would like to change in my life. But changing things is a gradual process. Ever so many little steps taken very slowly. Things decided, directions taken, and definitely walking away from things that just do not serve me. I am talking about my life, my world, and who is in it. I am talking about how I would like to help my daughter out more. Be a better supporting family member. I’d like to actually enjoy being a little more socialable. I would love to live my life without worrying about being fired or having to leave where I live suddenly. I'm talking about being secure for a change in whatever vocation I am in and enjoying myself being there! I am talking about being able to plan and actually take a vacation like other people and still have money left to live on when I got back. I would like to not be the victim in my life, and having the changes mostly forced on me. But then again, when I have tried to make changes, even if I try to choose wisely…. somewhere down the road it goes arye. And I end up loosing in some way. My guy, my house, my job, my money, mostly my self-esteem. This time it’s all at once. I sort of lost everything all at once. Still, I always go merrily along, like the fool in the Tarot deck, rather innocent and naïve about the world, not necessarily in denial but thinking that it can be different but instead of being lucky (like the fool in the right place at the right time) I walk off the cliff by accident into a pit of alligators. You would think it would be somewhat easy to just shift when you want to...but no, it has to be just the opposite. It has to be all jagged, uncertain, unwilling, and unpleasant.
So it’s been a lot of stops and starts for me since I had to break up, move out, and then become all of a sudden unemployed. I call it joyfully unemployed but the job search is a another blog in itself. I loose something, like a job and say to myself, “hell, I’ve got lots of qualifications in this area” and then I go out there, and go out there, and go out there some more and come up with nothing months later. By that time my confidence is shot. Chaps my hide like you wouldn’t believe. I went along with anything in the beginning, doing odd bits of things with people I wasn’t sure I wanted to hang around with. Stuff that I thought I wanted to do, for a little cash-ola. But soon enough I just kept putting things in front of me that I really didn’t want. It always happens this way usually, I didn’t see it though, because I was too much (and still am) in survival mode. One of the big themes that fuel everything I do in my life is a resounding shout of "SURVIVAL". It never used to be that way, I use to live for LOVE, but I suppose that is easy when you are young and someone else is paying your bills and your responsibilities are low. My idealism about love quickly turned into cynicism.
I am more than puzzled as well about where I am supposed to be going. Oh, there’s that word again. Truly instead of a light bulb over my head there’s a huge question mark. I don’t understand why I was “put” in such a great living place only to have to move out a few months after. That’s what I am thinking I may end up doing. I am questioning why I got this place right around the corner from where I “used to” work…and was forced into “self sufficiency”….only to loose the dam’d job 3 months after the fact? Plus live this solitary confinement! And the solitude, I am sooo hating the solitude. I don't need to be alone all the time. I catch myself pacing from one room in my apartment to another. From the computer to the TV. Nowhere to go, No one to go with. Even better, no money to even get there. The story of my life is “all dressed up and nowhere to go”. I feel it is a sort of a stifled attempt to live, like a horse with a bit. The horse can only do what the master allows. That is how I feel. Money is running out, and bills are high but they still keep showing up in my mailbox. The cell phone has just been a nightmare and the credit cards are just squeaking by. The job loss is what did it…and then those stops and starts I mentioned earlier…. all of them were financial and they just dragged me behind the horse. All kinds of shit comes flying at you from all directions and you cannot see it coming when your life is dragging you behnd the horse while you are all bound up!!
The hardest thing about this ongoing fallow episode is that I cannot seem to get excited about anything. A lady I know who is like a life coach said to me…. find out what you are jazzed about, what you really dig and what you are good at. Well, finding out what I am jazzed about and what I dig is actually a hard thing for me. I have become so jaded and emotionally subdued for so long that even a new Mercedes Benz wouldn’t get my blood going! Sometimes I can feel a little something come near to the surface, but I am so use to pushing everything down, (especially from being at work and having to stuff it) that I just have a hard time being excited, or jazzed. That energy left in my early twenties. I have never gotten it back, and it has been so long (years and Years) since my life has actually been fun that I hardly know how to be happy anyway. As usual, in the same place…the infinite repeat over and over again.
