My Question is this......

How is it that we have become so stuck? And once we are there...how is it that we cannot see any other way out? It's a matter of perspective and choice I think. We assess where we are, and then rationalize why we must stay there. We have no choice...we tell ourselves. I have to do this for the time being..or I am doing this until for the children. I won't do what my parents did, I need the money, I won't find anything better...how will I pay my rent? I could go on and on with this list of reasons why we stay in situations that we don't like. Ones that cause us stress or are, in essence, either toxic or unfullfilling for us. So often on this strange planet we turn the other cheek to these situations....and continue on with them. We take on adamant beliefs because of our experiences. And therein lies our limitation. But can anything be said for just going with whatever is present as well? Is that a better way for us to live, allowing ourselves to be at the mercy of the winds that blow by? Should I follow my moment of Zen by saying I can control what I can control and I must handle all the rest with grace?

Somewhere back in the ancient archives of our personal psyche, are the reasons, the events, or the triggers that set us in a certain direction. Somehow back then I believe, something convinced the mind of the cells, to be a certain way. Attract certain things, and encounter certain people in order to experience whatever. I haven't quit figured out the why of it though...because as a consciousness mind typing this out right now, I have no desire to suffer. (And suffer I do) I seemingly do not have a handle on where the ground zero of my inner suffering has come from. I have a few ideas....but no answers to relieve me from the patterns that were initially set up. I ask...with an inner scream......."Has no one found out how to undo the knots that we have tied so tightly around us"? What I mean is...if we ourselves, as co-creators of our own life, have created a way, or a pattern that comes to us all the time.....then why have we not been able to un-create it? Especially if it continues to cause us suffering and duress? As Dr. Phil would ask..."what's the payoff"? And would it all just magically fix itself if I find out what the payoff is?

Why is it that I cannot disconnect myself from this physical body? If truly the body and the mind are partners in this crime....then why can I not benefit from it rather than be pulverized by it? What does it take? The time to research? A vision quest? Try new things? New therapies? New choices? New frame of mind? How does one change? How can we direct our attentions away from materialistic pursuits, when from the very beginning we have experienced nothing but that? Outer gratification for the inner need. The entire world, save for the Tibetan Monks, is geared for that. We have been groomed and crooned all our days to pursue our desires for ourselves, but does that include our inner most desires as well? Not just the American dream of happy house, hearth and family? How many people really do what they want to do, and I mean REALLY do what they want to do? Not just the striving of the human spirit to overcome physical limitations? Not just striving to be the best, or the skinniest, or the most popular. Where are the schools and challenges to go beyond the human level of endurance and experience something truly fulfilling for our spirit? Is that even possible here on Earth? There has to be more to existence than just the day to day drudgery and if there is, where do I find it? What is there to feed the rest of me (because there is soooooo much more to me than my skin and bones) What is left after all that maintaining of my outer environment? I don't seem to find it at my job? I can't seem to find a partner which whom to share a common thread. I seem to attract nothing but stress and lack, but hey, there it is.....There is so much lacking-WITHIN..., that is all I get. What a concept! My heart is in agony, and my inner spirit on it's knees saying WTF? So how do we exist within a mind set of full capacity rather than of drained lack? How do we find that place? Especially if we have gone so long on our journey not seeing it or not experiencing it?

We all know that everyone today has issues, has problems of some kind. Health problems, family problems, work problems (love those clueless bosses) and of course, everyone's favorite, money problems. Many people have told me to count my blessings. Count my blessings because I have managed (so far) to maintain a place to live, a car to drive, and food to eat. Count my blessings, they say, because I am not in the hospital, dying of AIDS or on the street. Be grateful that I have “freedom” and that I am not living in the squalor of Africa. Ok, fine, but I am not in those places, that is not my life. I can't tell you why I am here and not in those places. I am here, within my own conceptual hell. I suppose somewhere within me, I could not handle such things. So then, if I am not in any of those other dreadful places, and that is not my life...then the place and the life I am in is where?

My question is this. If I am aware of it, why then can't I change it? I want to convince myself that there is a way to change it. I want to say yes to a better life. If I step out side tomorrow, with an "I can do it attitude," then can I really do it? I fear that walking through the fires of fear and misunderstanding alone has me in its grip. Calling all Angels............................please give me an answer, and a dam'd good one!