Better Get The Breakdown Squad Out

I have definitely lost the spark that once resided within me, I can barely remember what it is like to get really excited and jazzed up about something. The gap between my divine essence and my everyday conscious existence is so wide I can no longer see the other side of it. It shouldn’t be like that, but that’s what this backwards planet does to you. The good news is that I have survived and I am still here. The bad news is my light is dim and my essence of love and kindness is drained from the constant battle of life. I feel like Krisna’s Ajuna, constantly feeling in the dark about which way he should turn in life and seeking guidance for the confusion and ignorance that being in the human body entails. But at least with Arjuna, Krisna is for the most part by his side guiding him along. Can’t say that I’m so lucky, and sorry, though I am graced in many respects, there’s no Krishna at my side. In fact it’s the opposite. I seem to be walking around these days with only a constant sigh and permanent frown on my face and in my heart. Fallow is the breath I breathe in and out. Its as if the streamlined download from the divine heavens is on hold. I seem to getting the same message….“Please hold for the next available download of grace, pure bliss and unlimited joy.” What’s going on up there? God must be on the golf course, and my angels have got to be stoned on heroin somewhere. Here I am, stranded again! Better get the breakdown squad out. Nothing seems to lift this continual inner frown, and this monotonous joyless drone of a feeling from me. It permeates everything. Drenching me like a Monsoon rain. I can feel the mental drip, drip, drip. In everything I do I feel as if I am completely despondent. But I am not really depressed or at least I don’t think I am, and I can usually recognize that chemical based female depression that comes and goes in a girl’s life because I have learned to recognize those hormone fluctuations. Guys will never understand, but I understand it on those days when it looms over me, and I accept that it will pass and it always does. The next day I always wake up and I am somewhere else in my head. Sometimes that’s a good thing. The funk is gone for the moment and on I go with life. But that’s not what this is and I cannot shake it. It’s there every day. It’s hard to force a smile to surface, and I feel as if my dog just died. Tragically, I don't have a dog.

Now, being in the wonderful position that I am in, which if you haven’t been following my blog, I am, 1) in fallow times, 2) painfully unemployed, and 3) very much without a lover. You would think that these three things are the causes of how I feel. And while they do throw some troubles into the brew I know it’s much deeper than that. It’s as if all the disappointments or regrets, bad choices, or experienced injustices have come knocking at the door like a telemarketer. You just want to hang up and ignore it. Inwardly, I am so calm, and practically despondent…still emotionally frozen and becoming all the more part of the big inner freeze I seem to be living in. Outwardly, I am not showing any signs of stress. But go past that veneer of calm and there’s a raging hurricane, a screaming child, and an angry, angry person rattling the cage just beneath the surface. Psychoanalyze that all you want but I don’t feel quite justified. How can I be in such a failing position so much? Could I possibly be in denial? Could I possibly be completely freaked out by my continuing fallow circumstances and not telling myself? Could I just be throwing an adult style tantrum behind closed doors? Well, a little. I know part of it is that I don’t like to be pushed so close to the wall. Squeaking by on the survival scale is not a pleasantry. It takes all the joy away, and you become more and more jaded until finally you just don’t care. I want to tell all my creditors hey, I am peddling as fast as I can here. Treat me like a person, not a numbered sack of coals. I’m a good hard working person who wants to pay their bills. I am not a scammer. But I cannot pay everything all at once. Especially when my income has been greatly reduced.

On one hand, I am wondering where I am going to end up, and if I am going to continue to keep it all together. But what leaks through most of all is not liking where I am now. And I am not a fan of waiting. I think life is too short. You blink and 10 years have passed. I don’t like stagnation…it gathers resentment and robs you of your confidence. I certainly don’t like it when the rug gets pulled out and everything breaks down. It’s so unnecessary so many times, and if it is necessary, I am not seeing the value of it. I now have an “I could care less attitude” about doing the right thing anymore because no matter what I try to do (and haven’t we all been at this point some time in our lives?) I still get lost, I still get in trouble, I still get dumped by job and people alike, I still get in debt, and I still get fucked over. I didn’t think I really felt that way anymore, but boy did it surface back up and swallow me whole with this last episode. People wonder why I have such a bad attitude? Why should I bother to do the right thing? It doesn’t pay off for me in fact, it always backfires.

It’s been a full two months since I was sacked from the job, and now 6 months into the break up and the big move. Being fired just buried me. The financial implications just blasted my world with a Sherman tank. With nothing going on in the job scene, being that it is the middle of summer in my town, there are no viable prospects on the horizon, I feel like I am just doing time, like John Lennon. Waiting for something that will never come. Watching the wheels. Wrestling with patterns I have, demons I recognize, and things I’ve wrenched my guts to try and change but can’t. I could easily be the poster child for Lennon’s poignant song “Working Class Hero.” Off and on the feelings of resentment and anger surface and subside, surface and subside. A lot of it is directed towards the working world out there and what a load of bullshit the majority of it is. I am sure everyone reading this can tell a tale or two of business incompendency that they have had to put up with. Right now though, with this working dilemma, I am beyond the last straw. I am sure a lot of people would say “oh, get over it, its just life” and I would reply “I’ll get over it when it changes” I am sure they would say “you’re the one who can change it” Really? I would say, “Prove it!” And while I know that what you dwell on manifests for you…I cannot dwell on a future that I can’t even imagine having. People have asked me, “well, what do you love?” and “what do you want to do?” To those questions I have no answers. Some of the answers are so far fetched they could never become reality. Some of the answers are branded into my brain. And that slows my progress. At least that’s what I believe. I am obviously within the throws of pessimism, and self-righteously say, “Dam right! Whether or not I am subconsciously punishing myself for something, or sabotaging any success I might be capable of, I don’t know. But I am really, really tired of it! I haven’t figured out the key to this Jumanji puzzle my life is yet, and I will die trying to do so. I go off and on with thinking its funny but I am not laughing and I certainly am not having any fun.