An Endless Series of Detours

In the lines of of Michelle Lewis “ I was getting out of a taxi the other day and my heart fell out of my backpack and into a puddle”

Today I realized that life, like the roads of practically every major city, is an endless series of detours. You always seem to be taking the long way around to your central destination. It takes you longer to get there than you planned on and it is anything but a smooth drive. My life continues to be this way and I am more than pissed off about it.. I've had many, many detours in my life, but the condensed version that I am experiencing these days have me at the end of my rope. I want to SUE!

I am trying to keep my attitude up but I can only do that when I don't think about all the shit that I dwell in.

I've lived in Phoenix for over 30 years and for as long as I can remember they have ALWAYS had the roads torn up for some reason or another. Long lines of traffic, three lanes into one lane delays, and road closures. When they close the road it really makes you aware of how much we don't think about as we go about life every day with all the roads open. We expect everything to run smoothly, just like in life. At least I do. What a fucking crock! Try taking a 2 mile detour just to get to work that is just a mile down the road. That's exactly how I feel about how I am supposedly getting to my life's destination, through all this these trials and tribulations. These days, I have been experiencing more than just delays on the roads with freeway shut downs and intersections by my house completely closed....In my life things seem to be a mixed bag of shut downs and closures as well. I wish I had an inside pipeline to the divine universe...a real and tangible one so I could know which direction I should take instead of taking all the wrong roads SO BLINDLY. So I would truly know what the hell I was meant to do...instead of just being as daft as a teenage and just going where the river takes me .I'd love to know where the fuck I am going! And why I am going there. And I would love the ease ability of financially being able to go there. To move from one place to the next with out stress and struggle. Don't try to tell me I don't know what's going to happen because the future has not been formulated yet! I'm tired of sitting in a dark room waiting for the next SCARE! I am tired of making a choice only to have it backfire in my face. I feel stripped of power I know I use to possess. I feel at the mercy of bad luck. Bad luck that seems to just flow through the very blood of me. Bad luck that has tainted and jaded my lust and enthusiasm for just opening my eyes each morning. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time over and over, has just tainted my creative force and inspiration. And please don't tell me to think positive. You MUST know and understand that when you have nothing but depressive experiences and endless buckets of water and shit thrown at you over and over with no let up.....well, It's a little hard to be happy and smiley every single day. Its kind of like torture...you only get to rest enough to recover from the last ass kicking before the next one kicks you in the teeth! And don't tell me about self esteem either....I have plenty of it. I may not have plenty of self confidence in some areas, but feel I AM WORTHY in every area.

Some days are better than others, but even on those days there are sacrifices.
If I have many good days on a continued basis then it makes the bad days easier to deal with and pass aside. If I have the contrary, which is the majority of bad days as the norm of my existence, then the good days become something foreign to me. Too few and far between. And I cannot comprehend a good day. I cannot seem to adjust my attitude to positive when just over my shoulder another bad trip is on my heels. What's the fucking point?

I'm sorry, but I must be thick as a brick because I am just not getting what it is I am supposed to be learning from the last 8 years worth of shitty experiences, struggles and humiliations.. Hell my Karma cannot be that bad??? I couldn't have been Ivan the Terrible in a past life to deserve this kind of torture and ass kicking in this this life? I could say the same for everything in my past too but I have only gotten stronger, not necessarily learned how to get on better from a dramatic and calamity filled life. What good has stronger gotten me? I'm barely surviving.. I have no love life, I have no fun, I can't do anything except work, and I keep stripping things down to the bone. What's the fucking point??? I want answers!!

Those last three years have been full of detours. Detours I don't understand. In those past most recent years, I was forced out from an unfinished relationship and moved practically around the corner from the job I was currently holding. Detour #1 out of the relationship I was tooling merrily along in. The humiliation wasn't enough to be dumped by someone I cared for, but then just a few months later I was fired from my long time job. Detour 2. Why was I fired now that I live a stones throw from the place, and have to support myself for the first time what is the point of this? It's been a long road. I have come to find out that having a job is just not enough unless you are making a decent wage and I mean A DECENT WAGE. One detour after another to take me where? And what the hell is it all for? Will someone tell me in plain human language that I can understand? Not in dreams that make no sense, not in signs that make me acknowledge, just plain and simple tell it to me like it really is Mr Angel or get the fuck lost!

You're not down here...I am!! The road since has been peppered with a lot of misspent projects, more forced choices I haven't wanted, more useless quests in the name of health and one financial crisis after another. Yes, I said crisis, because to me...it is a crisis. Financial Tsunami's abound, The financial stabs I take just make me weaker and weaker, there is no getting around it-that's just the reality of what happens because of it. It is like each time more money is taken, I die a little more. Because it doesn't stop. It's not that I value money so much as my life's blood, but it is the very blood that makes the river flow if you are to float without suffering in this insane world and all I do is bleed..

Detour #3....I am offered a job offer from a friend, and spend the next year and a half building that business up and hoping to get some future plan set in place from it. Not the case, I had to leave the job and the friendship leave it far behind, just turn my back in order to save my life. It was life a bad LSD trip. Detour #4 (in the middle of it all) I was just lucky enough to land another job otherwise that would have caused an abrupt re-direction into a cardboard box. That detour was at least my idea, but it seemed such a fluke. Living on my laurels, By sheer grace, I got another job right away with nary an effort. That in itself was out of place in my calamity Jane lifestyle. This new job is of course right around the corner from where I live. How cool is that? How wonderful, how convenient??? But wait.....that can't be allowed. It's too easy. So of course, my circumstances have to push me again the wall again there is no way I can afford this place on my own anymore and I have to move out of my beloved Ivory Tower. After all this time...and I have so tried, I have so tried,. I am in collections from trying. Detour #5.....So why did I get this job right down the street only to have to move? I'm sick of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now don't get me wrong here.....I don't fear changes, I'm just sick and tired of the rug being pulled out from under me without at least some thing to cushion my fall. Isn't the emotional stuff of all this SHIT bad enough to deal with without having to be buried by financial Tsunami's that come one after another? And don't get me wrong by thinking I am not looking at the bright side. When I CAN get up off the floor from the endless punches, I am very grateful about what I do have and outwardly don't appear to be suffering. But suffering has become like second skin......It just grows over all the shit I feel from it all, like Ivy...making it all seem to pretty on the outside! But inside I am screaming. And the bottom line is not pretty.

I hate denial, What purpose does it serve? Does it solve things? Does it find the answer? No, It just prolongs the misery. Sooner or later the feelings will surface at some point or another. As usual, lost in the maze of it all. When is it going to stop?

Calling All Angels-Eliza Gilkyson-Listen to the Lyrics.