My Question is this......

How is it that we have become so stuck? And once we are there...how is it that we cannot see any other way out? It's a matter of perspective and choice I think. We assess where we are, and then rationalize why we must stay there. We have no choice...we tell ourselves. I have to do this for the time being..or I am doing this until for the children. I won't do what my parents did, I need the money, I won't find anything better...how will I pay my rent? I could go on and on with this list of reasons why we stay in situations that we don't like. Ones that cause us stress or are, in essence, either toxic or unfullfilling for us. So often on this strange planet we turn the other cheek to these situations....and continue on with them. We take on adamant beliefs because of our experiences. And therein lies our limitation. But can anything be said for just going with whatever is present as well? Is that a better way for us to live, allowing ourselves to be at the mercy of the winds that blow by? Should I follow my moment of Zen by saying I can control what I can control and I must handle all the rest with grace?

Somewhere back in the ancient archives of our personal psyche, are the reasons, the events, or the triggers that set us in a certain direction. Somehow back then I believe, something convinced the mind of the cells, to be a certain way. Attract certain things, and encounter certain people in order to experience whatever. I haven't quit figured out the why of it though...because as a consciousness mind typing this out right now, I have no desire to suffer. (And suffer I do) I seemingly do not have a handle on where the ground zero of my inner suffering has come from. I have a few ideas....but no answers to relieve me from the patterns that were initially set up. I ask...with an inner scream......."Has no one found out how to undo the knots that we have tied so tightly around us"? What I mean is...if we ourselves, as co-creators of our own life, have created a way, or a pattern that comes to us all the time.....then why have we not been able to un-create it? Especially if it continues to cause us suffering and duress? As Dr. Phil would ask..."what's the payoff"? And would it all just magically fix itself if I find out what the payoff is?

Why is it that I cannot disconnect myself from this physical body? If truly the body and the mind are partners in this crime....then why can I not benefit from it rather than be pulverized by it? What does it take? The time to research? A vision quest? Try new things? New therapies? New choices? New frame of mind? How does one change? How can we direct our attentions away from materialistic pursuits, when from the very beginning we have experienced nothing but that? Outer gratification for the inner need. The entire world, save for the Tibetan Monks, is geared for that. We have been groomed and crooned all our days to pursue our desires for ourselves, but does that include our inner most desires as well? Not just the American dream of happy house, hearth and family? How many people really do what they want to do, and I mean REALLY do what they want to do? Not just the striving of the human spirit to overcome physical limitations? Not just striving to be the best, or the skinniest, or the most popular. Where are the schools and challenges to go beyond the human level of endurance and experience something truly fulfilling for our spirit? Is that even possible here on Earth? There has to be more to existence than just the day to day drudgery and if there is, where do I find it? What is there to feed the rest of me (because there is soooooo much more to me than my skin and bones) What is left after all that maintaining of my outer environment? I don't seem to find it at my job? I can't seem to find a partner which whom to share a common thread. I seem to attract nothing but stress and lack, but hey, there it is.....There is so much lacking-WITHIN..., that is all I get. What a concept! My heart is in agony, and my inner spirit on it's knees saying WTF? So how do we exist within a mind set of full capacity rather than of drained lack? How do we find that place? Especially if we have gone so long on our journey not seeing it or not experiencing it?

We all know that everyone today has issues, has problems of some kind. Health problems, family problems, work problems (love those clueless bosses) and of course, everyone's favorite, money problems. Many people have told me to count my blessings. Count my blessings because I have managed (so far) to maintain a place to live, a car to drive, and food to eat. Count my blessings, they say, because I am not in the hospital, dying of AIDS or on the street. Be grateful that I have “freedom” and that I am not living in the squalor of Africa. Ok, fine, but I am not in those places, that is not my life. I can't tell you why I am here and not in those places. I am here, within my own conceptual hell. I suppose somewhere within me, I could not handle such things. So then, if I am not in any of those other dreadful places, and that is not my life...then the place and the life I am in is where?

My question is this. If I am aware of it, why then can't I change it? I want to convince myself that there is a way to change it. I want to say yes to a better life. If I step out side tomorrow, with an "I can do it attitude," then can I really do it? I fear that walking through the fires of fear and misunderstanding alone has me in its grip. Calling all Angels............................please give me an answer, and a dam'd good one!

Ruled and Regulated to Death

I am wondering to myself just how far people are going to go to exert their opinion and lifestyle upon everyone else, because for me personally it is driving me crazy being ruled and regulated to death. Actually I think I would rather be dead, than have one more person gripe about something I have done. At least then I would have some rest from all those things I have to do and rules I have to make sure I follow. Maybe it is because I live in a big city…and city life is a bit pressured to start with, and that is why everyone has to make they’re gripes known. To me so much of what people mouth off about is unnecessary. I’d like to ask them, why does it bother you so much? And speaking of mouthing off, here are a few gripes of mine that really do not involve anyone except me and my environment.

I got a clue about how it was going to be in my new living environment when I pulled into the complex, through a 24 hour around the clock manned guard gate, with signs at every turn saying “No pets of any kind allowed on the property.” I thought it was an odd having so many signs. Couldn't they just tell you that when you moved in? And why was it plastered everywhere? This one is priceless......I came to find out later that this girl was a lawyer. When I was moving in, I was asked by a neighbor to stop moving in, because I was making too much noise. It’s such a quiet complex that you can literally hear a pin drop, and the doily we used against the cement and the stairs did make a bit of a noise. But not enough to complain about. Was I supposed to tip toe around while dragging furniture and boxes up and down stairs?

I started to personalize my new place, placing an garden angel and a flower pot outside my front door. Keep in mind I live within a courtyard, at the back of the complex, upstairs where only the immediate tenants can be exposed to it. Again……I was asked to remove them. Two flower pots no less! I sat there in my stark white walled apartment also knowing that my lease agreement stated I could not paint the walls without permission. From the looks of this place, no one had ever attempted to decorate past the Navajo white walls. Great. Later on, I became more suspicious as they manicured the grounds what seemed to be every other day. Clipping all the blossoms off the bushes, and constantly mowing the lawns. I found out that to conserve water, they were going to re-landscape within the courtyards of which our apartments surrounded. The grounds of the apartments were lush, healthy and beautifully green and flowery for being in a desert metropolis. Huge trees, with fabulous hanging branches. Things were grown in, and it was a very pleasant place to pass through as I came and went from my day. But man can never leave well enough alone, and they tore every last plant, flower and shrub out down to the bare brown dirt. They even pulled out small trees, all of it healthy and none of it dying. They replaced it with desert plants and stones, covering the majority of it up with bricks, creating a less than palatable picture of starkness as I come and go from my day. Today I came home to a huge note on my door, telling me not to leave my discarded mail on the top of the mailbox’s. Well God forbid, something be out of place here. Who did I offend now? They didn’t even sign the note! Its not even like the area is full of trash….and there is no trash can provided so why is this bothering them so much?

In the place I work, (it’s a retail environment), I am constantly surrounded and interrupted by customers, their personalities and demands, everyone telling me their boring stories or gripes, and I can barely get my work done. Today, I had a splitting Migraine type headache, which I am prone to. A customer came in, and wanted to chat and be jovial with me, and I was courteous but not overjoyed. I told him I had a bad headache, and his reaction was one of “tisk tisk”, I thought what the f#*k kind of reaction is that? Am I supposed to live in denial for the sake of face? The adult answer to distress of any kind in today’s world is SUCK IT UP! Personally I think that is just wrong!

How about all the Internet sites you visit? What is with needing to login with a password (sometimes with other personal information) just to view the site or read the material. The local paper in my town is big, and of course you can read the paper online. But you cannot do that unless you “join” by logging in. Name, address, things like that….and then you can read the paper online. What kind of bullshit is that?

I’ve been looking for a job lately, you know what a fun task that is if you have read my unemployment post. Talk about rules and regulations there….just look at the job application. You can’t even talk to anyone until you have filled out the useless application. You can have a resume, that everyone insists is your calling card but you still have to fill out the application. I think employers do it backwards. They want every bit of it, every crevice and section filled out. And truthfully too! Now if you put the truth down, such as why you left your last job, or your salary at your last job, they will use that against you! And those contrived answers they want to hear! What happened to all that “being an individual and you are special” crap they taught you in school? That doesn’t mean squat in the real adult world.

How about the homeowners associations? Those people who make up ridiculous rules like parking your car a certain direction if parking on the street or better yet not being able to park it in your driveway!! Not being able to color outside the box when choosing a color to paint your house. Or not being able to fly flags on your house? Or have a basketball net in your driveway. Or like where I live, you can have patio furniture on your patio, and one live plant, but you cannot have fake plants. You cannot have bird feeders hanging up but you can have a hummingbird feeder hanging up. And you cannot have a bike stored on your patio. I want to know why not? What’s the difference between ugly patio furniture and a bicycle?

And lastly, but not least...Lets take the Police and the Obey the law types. People that insist you wear a seat belt because it’s the law. WTF????? Or a helmet when you are riding a bicycle. Or the mandatory Insurance law. I want to know why? Like people don't have enough unnecessary shit to pay for. Especially if you are working a minimum wage job and trying to pay rent too. Rents are high! Car insurance is not my highest priority. My electric bill is! I told some people that I got a ticket the other day. Their first question was “were you speeding?” and when I said, well I can’t drive the speed limit…they looked at me and commented like I was a child molester or something! Like I had committed the ultimate crime against humanity and slaughtered children and old ladies or something. What a bunch of sheep I thought, surely these people don’t drive 55 on a four lane freeway? I laughed myself silly, just thinking how these people just give up their freedoms in a land that is supposed to be revered for its freedom for the people. What a load of CRAP!

"None of us are free. Everyone is chained, none of us are free"-Solomon Burke*

My Restless Mind, Body & Soul

I am grateful for the solitude today, even though it is only one day and not long enough, I don’t know what to do with it. Tomorrow I will have to get up and go to work again and put it all on again.
I am tongue tied and mentally twisted up like a bowl of spaghetti. I just want to sleep, to be unconscious, to escape any thought, feeling, rage or response to anything....anything at all. The radio plays in the background and I am surprised I am allowing even that. I don’t want any stimulation, not even the TV. I don’t want to hear the phone ring, go outside, even open the door to look outside. I am frozen inside and I want to freeze the outside as well. Still, I am impatient at the slow speed at which the my hand writes these lines, a snails pace and my hands start to hurt. Contrary to my heart, my mind is flying and spinning around me. I can almost see the thoughts...like pesky flies just bobbing around in the dizzy aura that my head seems to have become. I am impatient at how slowly these words come out and I think, ‘I’ll go to the computer perhaps, typing is faster,’ but even that is too much of an expenditure of energy. Right now I feel no love for the desk and the chair, regardless of the ease and flow of the keyboard, I need a soft place to land, and the couch is the nearest thing. TV is really good therapy sometimes because it doesn't require a response.

I can feel my inner impatience...and of wanting to skip over these elementary words, to skip over the process, skip past the rage behind it ...just fast forward to the crux of the issue. I suppose in a crude and less descriptive way, I am trying to get myself someplace else and fast, and somewhere way past where I am now. Where I am now, is not only an emotionally turbulent place, but it can be an unrelenting physical place as well. Through in some boredom and restlessness, indecision, anger and hopelessness and you have got a lot going on all at once.And those are just my feelings.

There does comes a point when you feel you want to take it down to the barest of levels and strip it down at least until you feel some solace and comfort. To stop all the false smiles, the fake “I’m fines” and really feel what’s wrong. Most people don’t want to do this because they don't want to admit things about themselves.. Somehow, acknowledging my feelings is a plus because it can serve as a navigation point. I find it to be very comforting. Lately I’ve been so busy putting a face on for everyone that I have forgotten what’s important to me and who it really is that I am underneath it all. There are so many parts of me that I can hardly see anymore. The dusty remnants of something I once dreamed. Things I would love to have ventured into and things I use to love to do. The risky moments of my youth that I can no longer do. But in my world today there is little time to do them anyway. All those things that make me feel good, that put a sparkle in my eye and a feeling of comfort in my heart, well, they are all drowned by the responsibilities of surviving. Drowned by all the have to’s of working and bills and worries. Drowned by the pain in my heart over paths not taken and loves lost. Drowned by the monotonous, unfulfillable and so very UNREWARDING existence I live each day. I mean, there are no vacations, no times of joy, no seizing the moment, no excitement about the day, no opportunity and no looking forward to the vision for the future. No human touch. At this point I cannot imagine what the future will be like. Those things that once held the tiniest of sparks for me have become almost non existent. Like a distant ship fading on the horizon, it’s almost gone...you can barely see it as it drifts over the horizon. Just like the best parts of yourself...they get pushed up into the cobwebbed corners, into all those dark little crevices that you can’t really see into, so you barely remember them. You can’t see them anymore, like forgetting someones face.....all you can see is trouble and strife, All you can feel is the stickiness of the dark cobwebs.

The irony of life is that it is a fantasy to start with. After you get over the ideal of it, it’s over. Childhood is a complete waste of time. Where does it get you? In civilized countries you spent too many years doing nothing. Once you become an adult, it's really over and you are no longer allowed to be child like. You cannot do nothing or you won't survive. You aren't allowed to stay in the moment anymore. The romance of greeting each day happily day eludes you. If you want romance,you have to seek it out, find it and maintain it. Everything becomes maintenance. Maintain the body, maintain your relationship, maintain the house and appliances, your car, your pets, your children's development...everything needs maintenance. You may have gotten wiser and more tempered with age but you have paid a price. A big price. Nothing is simple. I think all the complexities that things have become have worn us out. Politics is interwoven into everything here and it robs our experiences of goodness. The simple task of maintaining and surviving on my own, is not so simple and it becomes the biggest burden of all.
So my solitude and my retreat from my world won't last. The night will come and I will fight going to sleep because I know I have to get up tomorrow and go out there. I know tomorrow I have to face the same trials and tribulations with out any rest and recovery. I know tomorrow brings another opportunity shot to change it. I will wake up in my bed in the morning and say here we go again.

Left in the dark

Nothing surprises me anymore. It's a fact the world has changed, and it definitely isn't all wine and roses. Actually it never has been, but for the time that I have been here, I have seen more betrayal and backstabbing in my own life than I care to mention. Cursed as a Gemini, my life seems to walk hand in hand with the opposites. One hand is holding with Grace........like spirit is walking beside me, keeping me from homelessness, keeping me aware of gratefulness, keeping up my appearances, and having a built in safety valve for me. Possibly growing well for the human limitation I inhabit. Then, on the other hand is Bad Luck, being a trouble magnet, with a propensity for being blamed for things I didn't do, never being really understood by the majority, being in the wrong place at the wrong time a lot, and of course for whatever reason, having lousy money karma. So many unfortunate things keep happening to me it becomes second nature, and a despondency envelopes the spark that I once had residing within me. Hence, my constant forlorn attitude.

From the continual barrage of bad experiences I continue to have, I'd say my view of life has become jaded and has soured quite a bit. I have become very anti-social. People that are too happy are too much for me. I can't take too much good news because in my life there isn't much of it. It isn't happening to me. Ever. I can't smile when I am screaming inside. Then there are the people who just choose to ignore all the bad stuff, and live in denial and think nothing is wrong with life. They want you to do the same.They are the hardest be around. That's like being tied to the whipping post and flogged, and thinking....no biggie. But I could never fake it. Part of my character makeup is truth and being true. And the truth of my experience is calamity. So this has become my m.o.......and it happens all the time.

I never understood what childhood was for. When your a child you have little true freedom in the outside world. Maybe you do in the inner world, but you are still subject to what you have to do when you leave that place. Everyone has an opinion of what you should be doing and how you should do it. Maybe childhood is the only time you can remain truly free from the burdens and misunderstandings of adulthood. You dream of growing up so that you can do what you want. But once you are an adult, you have many responsibilities and even more rules that you have to abide by every day.

I think rules and responsibilities kill the spirit when abused. If you believe in guilt...then you can also drag and punish yourself on a daily basis just for living who you are. I don't feel totally responsible for all the bad things that have happened to me, although there are many things I would love to do over. Hell, I would probably do my whole life over if I could....(I don't want any Gods or Angels to hear that because I don't really want to do this again.). And what if I had the chance to? I would still be born into the same family, grow up with the same problems, and still have the mind I had then so how would it be different.? Would I be allowed to turn back time knowing fully what I know now? Would I act differently, and would I be smarter and more motivated? I don't know what makes me act the way I do sometimes.

Yeah.....so I have learned a great deal of things like how to keep afloat when you have $5.00 left to your name. I've learned how to get around doing without. Juggle and improvise. Rob Peter to pay Paul. I have learned you really do survive a heartbreak (but not without a price) and wake up the next day and you have to go on. I have learned how to hold my head up high when I have really been shit on. And through trial and error I have learned how to manage things a lot better, and to cope better. So I have learned to put up a type of “indifference field around me” to keep any unpleasant things from truly setting up camp in my mind. That field is especially prominent regarding men or money. Big tender spots, those two areas. Because there is always activity around those subjects. And like everyone, the stories have become big soap operas, big patterns laid down, torrential Tsunami's and always, always, big heartbreak.

The man thing comes from my Father, whom I never knew and never had. He jumped ship when I was a baby.....and who knows why my mother made the arrangements she did, but it was decided by the two of them that I would never know him and he would never have anything to do with me. He left my mother for another woman, and stayed with her until he died. She was apparently a dominant bossy kind of woman, and he was apparently, a coward. So, men always leave me. My spinster Aunties always spoke of men as complete evil. So although its not in the forefront of my psyche, that entire episode of Dad leaving daughter when I was still in swaddling cloth, imprinted me with the thought that men are not true. It also set me up to search for the father figure that was vacant for my entire life. I wanted someone to take care of me, but not an old man. My entire romantic life has been chasing that concept around for all my adult years here on earth. Even though I still believed in Love as the ultimate. Unfortunately, something within my chemistry, whether spoken or not, chases away suitors or even the thought of them. I've never really been married. I've had plenty chase me, but none brave enough to stay around. Hence they also lack the commitment to stick it out with me, along with the thought of my importance like my father. It is just what I attract from holding the whole “dad” thing within the mind of my cells. Now,.........knowing this...and knowing the pattern was set up from an early, early age, all the experts and the New Age gurus say sheer acknowledgment of the problem or pattern is supposed to melt it away. Or at least set it in motion for healing. I have to say from my experience, I don't believe that to be true. I may not have paid as much mind to the entire Father abandonment thing throughout my life (sort of what you don't know, doesn't hurt you kind of thing) but it has reared its ugly head over and over when a relationship has popped up. Right now, it is looming over me like some freak clown nightmare. And a man to match my caliber seems to be the farthest thing from me. Someone who really knows I am a nut case but loves me anyway. He doesn't even have to be my soul mate (what a concept). But something, if not me, is keeping him away.

Haven't figured the money thing out at all. I often feel like I was once a queen, and wanted to know what it was like to live among the peasants. Maybe some evil genie granted my wish and cast me in this binding spell, because I seem bound to a life of not being able to generate the money I need. Even the basics. Unable to escape it or shift it.

So how do you view things then? Coming back to the now of where things are today, right here, right now, July 2006. Now that the world has changed, and you yourself have changed, and you haven't even had time to catch your breath? With my uncanny ability to create calamity and misfortune without a blink , how do I make it stop? Why then can I not create the positive and wonderful things too? Is it my lack of joy regarding life in the cloak of the flesh, that drags my very essence into the bowels of life's worst hardships? I'd really like to know why most everyone's life has never (outwardly) put them where they really want to be. Why we are all so lacking in the things we truly need and deserve? I want to know why this is. I ask...Is there really a secret formula to anyones success or happiness? Some people are just born into abundance and good times. But don't they say that life is what you make it? Well, if that's true, then what about poverty, lack of opportunities and prejudice for the not so fortunate? If we all knew the secret, would we be able to utilize it for the progression of our experience? Or will it continue to be shrouded from our view? I am always asking both myself and everyone, For what purpose must we suffer? Growth alone cannot be all the grist for the mill.

My life continues to be a complete paradoxical experience, With no real answers to the most pressing questions. I do know why some things happen, but when you are in it, your operating, your life and choosing from every single variable that is around you. Each person personalizes everything that happens to them, to suit and feed their needs whatever they might be. It's like all these experiences are made to measure and are as unique and personal to every person, as the millions of combinations of numbers, much like a phone number. So..... Here's a question.....How many times can I change my phone number????

Despite it all, your mind will trick you with rationalizations that the place you are in is really not that bad because you have become comfortable and familiar with it. You've then convinced yourself, like it or not that your life is OK because you feel safe within your routine and environment. Some people will even say that they are happy with their life and I don't always believe them. I am sure down underneath the skin and the bones is a dream or a love that they have shoveled under the rug for whatever reason. All those sacrifices. All those “have too's,,” all those “I shoulds” just rob you of extending your true natural joy into an exploration allowing yourself and your creative abilities to blossom and flourish. I'm sure that would feel pretty dam good if we all really did follow our hearts and our dreams AND IT WORKED OUT!
So, I want to know, where do all those un-manifested hopes and
dreams go? Who is the appointed collector of tears?

Are we forever going to be subjected to only fragments and wishes, regrets and longings for things we didn't do? Wouldn't do, or were prevented from doing? How long does it take to reach a state of completion, at least for this menial and limited intellectual existence? There seems to be too many questions here on Earth and not enough answers. I stand eagerly awaiting the download of answers in hopes of finding a reason just to open my eyes for another 30 years. People in the know insist that we really do have the answers within us, but how true is that really? Do you know the truth within you? Are we just fancy to the whims of destiny and to the will of that which we call God? Or are we truly in control of what we are?

I think that the Gods and Angels, the Puppet Masters, or whomever is running this show, need to update and upgrade the Earth 101 book and let us in on a few things don't you? We are just stumbling around Century after Century, unaware, spiritually in the dark, pillaging and conquering, and just acting stupid. There is no right way, no one way and the whole process seems too slow. We as humans never seem to be really clear about what it is we should be doing within our lives (except serial killers maybe) and everyone here is unhappy and suffers in some respect. Is this place then truly the realm of suffering? How many people feel like they live out Groundhog Day every day...(hands up now). Mine went up first of course because I am up to here with it.......I cannot decipher one day from the next, and there is no joy in any day.

Where can I go from here?

Wherever you go, there you are!

I've been procrastinating way too much lately. Procrastination is not really a trait of mine. But, I have developed a continual repulsion of rotten experiences that have befallen me. I don't want any adversity, no cross words, different opinions, no authority, no rejection, no "to do's" and no false accusations. So procrastination has introduced itself as a valuable avoidance tool. I've been going through a real rough period for over a year. Life shifts, heartbreak, job loss, financial tsunami, and plenty of things I didn't want but had to endure. I felt like Krisna’s Ajuna, constantly lost and feeling in the dark about which way he should turn in life and seeking guidance for the confusion and ignorance that being in the human body entails. Fallow is the breath I breathe in and out. Automation is my bodies routine. I am comfortably numb inside. To me its as if the streamlined download from the divine heavens is temporarily out on maintenance leave. I seem to be getting the same recorded message….“Please hold for the next available download of grace, pure bliss and unlimited joy.” But nothing is coming through. I'm still waiting. What’s going on up there? God must be on the unlimited golf course of eternity, and my angels have got to be stoned on heroin somewhere in some dank and smokey basement. I feel stranded-AGAIN. Better get the breakdown squad out. Whatever it is that will bring me relief please show up because, I am dialing 911 in my mind each day. No one is responding.

We all like to think we have some control. But we don't have any. The only control we may have is to make a choice to walk away from something unpleasant. The rest seems part and parcel of living on planet Earth. Good or bad as we see it. When I was forced into this change (that I did not choose ) at the beginning of it all, I was so very brave. I was proud of my courage and I was facing it with an incredible calm and maturity. No tantrums, just peaceful resistant acceptance. I gave myself a chance to prove to myself that I could be independent, and succeed, and like it while I was there. In the beginning it gave me lots of things to mull over, to think about, to question. Even to challenge, but at the time I did not have the tools to go forward with anything I wanted to do. I had to really think about some of the things I wanted. My life was filled with so many things I didn't want. So I delved right in to the pile of shit expecting to make great progress. But nothing happened. The new adventure didn't come. The insights and revelations didn't appear either. I just got covered in more shit. Months went by and I carried on with my life as I knew it and then, just as I was settling in more and trying to shake off all the shitty-ness I felt, the ax fell and fell hard and I lost my job. It was my only source of income, and it was summer. That is like the death plague in my town. Summer and unemployed! It was the worse thing that could have happened, really it was, because it made everything seem all the more uncertain. Here I was in a new place, on my own, no one else to cover me, what magic trick was I going to conjure up now? Now I had a lot of time to do a whole lot of what? Being out of work and short on income did not afford me to move very forward. I became very bored and impatient for things to change for the better.

I thought I was holding my own in my private nightmarish situation until that one fateful day. That day my hope gave out. It was like loosing blood from a great gaping wound. I could no longer contain it. I couldn't take anymore shit-I was overflowing with it. The despair kept pouring out. Its still pouring out. Nonetheless, I still awoke each day, much to my dismay, and bandaged myself up like everyone does except now I was pretending that everything was fine. That was very unlike me. I tried not to walk around under this doom cloud all the time. Of course, the inevitable financial Tsunami followed even though I gave my best efforts in keeping afloat. I floated and floated and clung to my tiny raft to which I was attached. More months and months went by and more changes came. A few were considered to be good by most standards, but within me the anger was still brewing like a volcano. I felt like it was raining for a lot longer than forty days. And my little boat kept getting capsized.

Now, a year has passed and you would think after this long period of time, that things would have improved or settled down. New opportunities, new people, new something!! No, no Nothing. Tick, tick, tick......the time went by and I felt like I was living “The Tell Tale Heart.” or “Four walls and a Funeral.” All this time on my hands could get dangerous. If nothing else I at least needed a distraction, just to tide me over from the doldrums of living on pennies and having nothing exciting going on in my life. I am not recovered. I want to go shopping. I want new jeans. I want a new beau. I want to be able to fix things. I wanted freedom from all of this. I want a completely different type of life and one that is more pleasant and bountiful than I have ever experienced.

I did of course, survive all the pain and the void of heart that it was. I had hoped for some relief, but instead I got sickness. I suppose I couldn't keep the charade up but I couldn't contain my anger any longer either. It came out in little ailments that affected my everyday experience and especially my demeanor even more. Man did I get grumpy! Yeah, I was sick of everything all right, and it came out in full force. Three months worth of sickness. It gives me even more time to think doesn't it? But I ask myself as I face each day, “have I gotten anywhere?” I would say no. I have had to go backwards and sacrifice in many ways just to survive. Ways I shouldn't have to. I know that I am still mulling over the past, but its hard not to. The past is still right on my heels. Nothing blissful, loving or joyful has come about or even remotely into view. I envy the people who can paint a veneer of gladness and ignorant bliss over all the bad situations, setbacks, atrocities, despairs of the heart and struggles in the modern world. I am not one of those people. But I have been trying to view things differently, but that does not guarantee that you will have different and happier experiences. So far my misery remains within my experience. So what now?

You think your in control?

There are just too many things to do these day. We are continuously bombarded by a barrage of“to dos” during the short waking time span of our busy days. In a society where we have lusted after and even structured our lives and dreams around having more “free” time, and more recreational time to pursue our dreams and hobbies, we now have less and less time to do any of those things. It’s all scheduled now. And you and I are probably taking less and less time off from our busy schedules for leisure. Ask any weekend warrior. Ask anyone what they want more of these days, and more often than not, their answer would be “time” or “money.” Of course, unless you are filthy rich, a celebrity, or an Arab in the oil business then of course you will always have a need for more money. But most of us are not in those positions and have so many things going on everyday we all wish we had more time. I think we are all trying to survive in our own ways. My life is a non-stop pedal bike of survival.

I spent the majority of my morning, this morning on my day off, today sitting in the waiting room of a car repair shop getting repairs done to my car. I can’t think of anyplace more boring that has an effect on you like an anesthetic (with the promise of putting you to sleep) than waiting in a repair shop waiting room. The walls are bare and dingy. The floor looks like its been there for 30 years. The magazines are usually car magazines or something like TIME or Sports Illustrated. There’s a vending machine full of peanuts and junk food. Oh joy The experience is second only to the DMV, no vending machines there....but at least you get to watch the circus of people around you while you also keep an ear open for your number to be called. The loudspeaker monotone that calls out the numbers does the opposite of the repair shop waiting room and jolts you awake rather than putting you to sleep as you salivate the minutes away hoping its your turn.

Still, I consider NOT being at work a GODSEND, and anything else that I can do or not do on my day off is something that is totally on my own terms. No matter what I have to do, or what I tell myself I need to accomplish, I can change it if I want to and not be in any disfavor for it. But is any day really on my own terms? I sometimes wonder. I think it’s a key issue in peoples lives today. The media has us convinced that we are in control and that we are extememly special. Yet in real life the opposite is more often the norm. They will tell you that you are special, you are entitled, you deserve it and that you can have it your way. You can stick up for yourself and not be persecuted for it. You can get upset if you feel you have been wronged. And you really can change things as well TV and movies are great brainwashers for that. The trouble is we all believe it That’s the hilarious part. In real life, you can’t have it your way most every where you go (unless you are on a remote island or extremely rich). You are not free to be yourself and do what you want when you drive down the street, you are not free to be yourself and do what you think is best when you are at work, and you are not free when you are anywhere outside of your own home. Its all governed by the enumerable rules, regulations and codes of behavior you must adhere to, more so nowadays than ever before. Even speaking a harsh word to your neighbor could land you in a law suit in today’s knee jerk overly sensitive politically correct conservative society. The illusion that you are in control is just that, an illusion...a mirage. Something they want you to believe. Something you yourself have convinced yourself of. What seems to happen is that you switch to that oblivious state of denial the minute you walk out your front door. You have to put on a smile for the world regardless of how you feel inside. Sometimes it just becomes automatic. Oh.....control.......we are all dying to have it. And we are all grasping at this invisible dream in this day to day existence.

So how do you gain an uncompromising position of control in today’s ruthless dog eat dog world? Good question. The answer could be definition, charisma, organization and tenacity. Knowing what you want and using all of your abilities to get it. Keeping on track as much as possible, and returning to your original plan if you get sidetracked. Keeping to your idea, even anticipating how it will unfold as you see it. And not allowing anyone to overstep their bounds with you. The variables involved are the enigma of life which are those unseen and unknown little shifts that can change everything in a moment. Sometimes its best not to be discouraged by them even if you see them as bad. It can be a little a thing as a change in plans, or as life changing as a death in your immediate family. You wake up with a splitting headache and it changes your whole plan for that day. You get in an accident on the way to work, have a flat tire or turn down a road with a long standing traffic delay. Maybe you loose your momentum for what you had planned on doing and end up accomplishing nothing. It’s endless the amount of annoying little changes can shift your entire day into another direction. But how can you stop them from coming? How can you stop them from crossing your path?

Sometimes your whole day just goes completely differently than what you had in mind. But what can you do about it? The best thing is not to get all bent about it, or mad at yourself about what you haven’t accomplished. The best thing to do is accept it, embrace it, and let it go. Try accepting that that is how your day went and tomorrow will be better. And control? Well, you can only control yourself.....even if you can’t control the world. In reality you are the only one you truly have any control over. Knowing that, in my opinion, the idea of control seems a futile excecise in frustration. Give it up.