I've never been one to live in denial, to greet every day and every person with a pretend smile, and a happy demeanor, unless I happen to feel that way and then I will, because I feel that way....not just to save face. I just cannot lie to myself like that, and I don't want to lie to you either. In fact total honesty is the basis for my lack of a happy demeanor. For the most part I never feel like that inside, overjoyed to be alive. I consider the standard phrase “Have a Nice Day” or even “How are You?” to be sacrilege against my own personal code. While some people really do want you to have a nice day, for most it has more often become the standard utterance for a race of drones. I fail to understand the strategy behind the wish that you have a nice day because it has nothing to do with the day you are really having. And how would you know what kind of day anyone is having when everyone is pretending to be having a great day? Does pretending make it a great day? Asking every stranger “How are you” over the 5 second interlude you have with them may well be cordial enough, but do you really want to know how they are? Especially when you know they are going to respond “I'm great, how are you?” Well, I can only speak for myself when I say I would like to know how they are, but then I have never been one to follow what everyone else is thinking. Most people don't want to know your troubles. They want to know you are fine...because they don't really want to know you. Its just a way to get past any awkwardness. It seems to cover a vast range for everyone. People cannot fathom any other response than, “I'm fine” or else it interrupts the brainwashed brainwave of static that fills their head. Too much information might upset their apple cart. Isn't ignorance bliss?
You know I do understand that sometimes it's better to say all is well...and I can do that, but I cannot keep that up for too long because for me more often than not I don't feel everything is roses which makes lying even more a sheer pretense.
So what about all of the self help/positive thinking/Inspirational books that are professing that you live by your feelings, as a model for authentic living. Go with your feelings they say, your feelings are supposed to be your barometer. Well how can we do that when everyone is pretending that we are OK and that everything is fine? I am living from the way I feel but unfortunately the way I feel most of the time is not all that wonderful and it definitely doesn't go along with how everyone else SAYS they are feeling. It makes a hard match between me and the rest of the world. I tell the truth about things and I tell the truth about how I feel. But that doesn't sit well with people because this world is all about denial.
So the con must go like this....You have this plethora of broad ranged experiences from joy and sorrow, from humiliation to exhilaration. Regardless of how good or bad those experiences are you are still expected to be happy about them. And keep it in a general vanilla tone. "Just think of all the good things you have" people tell you, while nothing is mentioned about your feelings. Feelings don't exist.....
I'm not even counting the personal abuse episodes, government policing, class distinction or social humiliations. I guess I wasn't sold the same soundtrack as everyone else, because I don't want to lie to you by telling you that everything is fine when it is not. In the theme of The Who's rock opera “Tommy” I seem to be screaming to everyone...”I'm not going to take it” while everyone else has their ear plugs in, their eye shades on, and the cork in their mouths. In my mind, if I lie to you by telling you I am fine when I am not, I am also lying to myself and it goes against my internal code of who I am and therein goes against the grain of my own reasonings. No wonder I think I am different.
I stand out in this society like a sore thumb just because I am usually not having a nice day.
So here I am in the latter quarter of my life and I observe myself being still in the frame of mind that I was in my youth. Still expecting people to respond to me truthfully and be just as concerned about the way things are, the inefficiency and injustice of things, not to mention how they feel inside about their own lives. To taste it, to really feel it, and to churn it over and get past it. To understand it. But no one wants to know now either. Now, it's worse, as people are frowned upon for being in the doldrums or for not smiling through a grueling day. We all know that bad things are happening, even happening to those we love and sometimes to ourselves, but we are not allowed to acknowledge how those things affect our inner gage of feelings and our own balance of fortitude. You are only allowed to do that if you sign onto a talk show or a news documentary. Only then will you be revered for feeling bad.
I ask you then....Does it really help us to just pretend it isn't happening, does it make it any better of an experience to grit our teeth through the whole thing? Not really, because it is still a bad experience. And surely we remember it that way. We don't remember going through hell as Having A Nice Day!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Reminicent and Recovering
Its taken me a good 40 years to even figure a small semblance of what I've wanted in my life, or what I've wanted my life to be like. I envy those souls who even from their early teen years, are driven to investigate their interests, or at least have an idea where their passion is and pursue it with the fever of their youthful spirit. I've spent the majority of my life wading through a lot of what I don't want. I'm sure many people can exclaim the same problem. Maybe it comes from a deep disdain of being in the human form in the first place. I don't know where that comes from. There is so much I don't like about being human. Maybe it comes from years of pointless living on this backwards planet. It's been such a long series of trial and error episodes none of which much has worked out well. Maybe it comes from feeling lost in a lost world. Too many 'miss' choices made and not enough 'hit' choices made. And lets not forget... lots and lots of unintentional misfortunes that I innocently tripped into in between. Bob Dylan sings it so well when he say's “I did so many things that I never did intend to do.” And its not even an issue of “not fitting in.” I cannot relate to anything here, cultures, trends, rituals, opinions and reasons, religions, ignorances, activities, motivations, even daily life. I tried a lot to get on with what was expected when I got old enough to understand the why logic of it, but I've never really bought into it. Never understood why people do it. Never believed in it.
I've always been a think outside the box person, a rebel, a rule breaker. I just can't relate to the time we spend 'wasting time' on trivial pursuits, or as one of the masses living in denial with the “have a nice day falseness” recorded into every word they speak. There are only a few great thinkers who have the insight to think past the body and probe within the complexities of the mind and can help move humanity up a notch in consciousness or technology. Even as a child....I felt the same way. I stood on the border lines of the playground in my Kindergarten year and said to myself “this is not my tribe.” I wanted to go home then and there (my real home I mean) and I wanted no part of this existence. I was left with just a huge “why?” Oh, I started off the brightest little spark, in essence an innocent romantic, an with an honest and courageous attitude towards living...and a strong belief in love but as quickly as being only 5 years old, I realized this certainly wasn't a place I understood or enjoyed, nor the people here people those I could relate to in any way at all. Needless to say I have wasted a lot of time doing a whole lot of nothing and I am mostly always alone.
I tripped and fell through the years of my life, not really going anywhere feeling more like a drifter than anything else but still retaining much of my child like innocence in the beginning. Although I did change a lot over the years, trying on one suit after another to see if it fit, I still tried to view life the same right up into my early 50's, But the world is like a nasty alligator that sneaks up on you and bites you when you least expect it. Your innocent attitude becomes consumed by the competitive and ego-centric side of the world around you. Unless you become the same way (become the spoon) you get bent and battered. Yeah, that is what happened to me all right , bitten and snapped at by too many alligators in the swamps of my existence all right!. I was unwilling to be the spoonful of denial like everyone else. I tried over and over again to calm the ever impending waves of Tsunami that would come and wash away anything I would build up every few years. To this day it is still continuing and I ask over and over, why does this keep happening? Nowadays, I don't even expect to get an answer, like I did in the past. I really use to think that someone was out there observing it all. But more and more I couldn't discipher any of the so called signs and clues I was pointed towards and I inevitably ran up against a wall over and over again. What is it that life does to you? I have become more than jaded, my viewpoint on life is seriously tainted. What makes one person just gleem from the continual challenges, with the pride of overcoming such adversity? Is it because everyone pats you on the back for enduring all this shit thus pumping up your self esteem like those can's of whipped cream you spray in your mouth? Does it make you an attention and kudos junkie? All the while another person would become more beat down, and humiliated becoming indifferent to the episodes that one faces albeit in health, in relationships, or in money matters? No attention or Kudos to them. No kudo to suffering, just to the end result.
Why do some people see things half full while other see things half empty? Why do some relish life and being alive as the best thing ever like breathing itself, while others remain tortured more so than I, and end up dead, in a mental hospital or addicted to heavy drugs or alcohol? Ah....the proverbial eternal question of the human mind eh? I will never know will I while I am still trapped in the flesh and bone?
In the meantime after years of being here, of being schooled in nothing that remotely helps me in life, in being the fool to more situations than I care to remember, in probing the whys of existence and in persuing self improvement (all to apparently to keep my mind occupied), I have not been able to retain my faith in anything at all. Not even love..I have not managed to succeed in any given direction or vocation, and I have not been able to settle my distressed soul. As Ester and Jerry Hicks put it in their book “Ask and It Is Given” I have not been able to find my emotional setpoint. I believe ithis s mostly because my life swims within the violent swirls of an Arabian sandstorm or an Arctic blizzard. I can't see more than the two steps in front of me. And my awareness and my thoughts just seem to have gotten duller and duller as I have aged.
As it stands right now, I could care less to try and make something work out, to have faith that a new venture will succeed, that this year truly feels like it's going to be a good one, that a new job will become the perfect situation for me, or a new love affair will perk me up. No, that positive thinking stuff doesn't seem to improve my life. Or maybe it is because I don't really want any of those things, just comfort.....a life that is comfortable instead of one set goal or topic. No....in the present moment, in my present health and experienced based despondent state of mind I'm not seeing my way to a brighter future. And I seem to constantly be in this gloomy state. I watch myself in it as I drive to work, as I sit alone in my room, as I sashay through a store eye-ing all the cool things I'd like to buy, like a kid in a candy store. As I face another day...its a groundhog day...another day where there is no joy, no fun, nothing exciting, and no love. I'd pretty much call that a Non-Existence.
And the point is then?
I've always been a think outside the box person, a rebel, a rule breaker. I just can't relate to the time we spend 'wasting time' on trivial pursuits, or as one of the masses living in denial with the “have a nice day falseness” recorded into every word they speak. There are only a few great thinkers who have the insight to think past the body and probe within the complexities of the mind and can help move humanity up a notch in consciousness or technology. Even as a child....I felt the same way. I stood on the border lines of the playground in my Kindergarten year and said to myself “this is not my tribe.” I wanted to go home then and there (my real home I mean) and I wanted no part of this existence. I was left with just a huge “why?” Oh, I started off the brightest little spark, in essence an innocent romantic, an with an honest and courageous attitude towards living...and a strong belief in love but as quickly as being only 5 years old, I realized this certainly wasn't a place I understood or enjoyed, nor the people here people those I could relate to in any way at all. Needless to say I have wasted a lot of time doing a whole lot of nothing and I am mostly always alone.
I tripped and fell through the years of my life, not really going anywhere feeling more like a drifter than anything else but still retaining much of my child like innocence in the beginning. Although I did change a lot over the years, trying on one suit after another to see if it fit, I still tried to view life the same right up into my early 50's, But the world is like a nasty alligator that sneaks up on you and bites you when you least expect it. Your innocent attitude becomes consumed by the competitive and ego-centric side of the world around you. Unless you become the same way (become the spoon) you get bent and battered. Yeah, that is what happened to me all right , bitten and snapped at by too many alligators in the swamps of my existence all right!. I was unwilling to be the spoonful of denial like everyone else. I tried over and over again to calm the ever impending waves of Tsunami that would come and wash away anything I would build up every few years. To this day it is still continuing and I ask over and over, why does this keep happening? Nowadays, I don't even expect to get an answer, like I did in the past. I really use to think that someone was out there observing it all. But more and more I couldn't discipher any of the so called signs and clues I was pointed towards and I inevitably ran up against a wall over and over again. What is it that life does to you? I have become more than jaded, my viewpoint on life is seriously tainted. What makes one person just gleem from the continual challenges, with the pride of overcoming such adversity? Is it because everyone pats you on the back for enduring all this shit thus pumping up your self esteem like those can's of whipped cream you spray in your mouth? Does it make you an attention and kudos junkie? All the while another person would become more beat down, and humiliated becoming indifferent to the episodes that one faces albeit in health, in relationships, or in money matters? No attention or Kudos to them. No kudo to suffering, just to the end result.
Why do some people see things half full while other see things half empty? Why do some relish life and being alive as the best thing ever like breathing itself, while others remain tortured more so than I, and end up dead, in a mental hospital or addicted to heavy drugs or alcohol? Ah....the proverbial eternal question of the human mind eh? I will never know will I while I am still trapped in the flesh and bone?
In the meantime after years of being here, of being schooled in nothing that remotely helps me in life, in being the fool to more situations than I care to remember, in probing the whys of existence and in persuing self improvement (all to apparently to keep my mind occupied), I have not been able to retain my faith in anything at all. Not even love..I have not managed to succeed in any given direction or vocation, and I have not been able to settle my distressed soul. As Ester and Jerry Hicks put it in their book “Ask and It Is Given” I have not been able to find my emotional setpoint. I believe ithis s mostly because my life swims within the violent swirls of an Arabian sandstorm or an Arctic blizzard. I can't see more than the two steps in front of me. And my awareness and my thoughts just seem to have gotten duller and duller as I have aged.
As it stands right now, I could care less to try and make something work out, to have faith that a new venture will succeed, that this year truly feels like it's going to be a good one, that a new job will become the perfect situation for me, or a new love affair will perk me up. No, that positive thinking stuff doesn't seem to improve my life. Or maybe it is because I don't really want any of those things, just comfort.....a life that is comfortable instead of one set goal or topic. No....in the present moment, in my present health and experienced based despondent state of mind I'm not seeing my way to a brighter future. And I seem to constantly be in this gloomy state. I watch myself in it as I drive to work, as I sit alone in my room, as I sashay through a store eye-ing all the cool things I'd like to buy, like a kid in a candy store. As I face another day...its a groundhog day...another day where there is no joy, no fun, nothing exciting, and no love. I'd pretty much call that a Non-Existence.
And the point is then?
Thursday, May 03, 2007
An Endless Series of Detours
In the lines of of Michelle Lewis “ I was getting out of a taxi the other day and my heart fell out of my backpack and into a puddle”
Today I realized that life, like the roads of practically every major city, is an endless series of detours. You always seem to be taking the long way around to your central destination. It takes you longer to get there than you planned on and it is anything but a smooth drive. My life continues to be this way and I am more than pissed off about it.. I've had many, many detours in my life, but the condensed version that I am experiencing these days have me at the end of my rope. I want to SUE!
I am trying to keep my attitude up but I can only do that when I don't think about all the shit that I dwell in.
I've lived in Phoenix for over 30 years and for as long as I can remember they have ALWAYS had the roads torn up for some reason or another. Long lines of traffic, three lanes into one lane delays, and road closures. When they close the road it really makes you aware of how much we don't think about as we go about life every day with all the roads open. We expect everything to run smoothly, just like in life. At least I do. What a fucking crock! Try taking a 2 mile detour just to get to work that is just a mile down the road. That's exactly how I feel about how I am supposedly getting to my life's destination, through all this these trials and tribulations. These days, I have been experiencing more than just delays on the roads with freeway shut downs and intersections by my house completely closed....In my life things seem to be a mixed bag of shut downs and closures as well. I wish I had an inside pipeline to the divine universe...a real and tangible one so I could know which direction I should take instead of taking all the wrong roads SO BLINDLY. So I would truly know what the hell I was meant to do...instead of just being as daft as a teenage and just going where the river takes me .I'd love to know where the fuck I am going! And why I am going there. And I would love the ease ability of financially being able to go there. To move from one place to the next with out stress and struggle. Don't try to tell me I don't know what's going to happen because the future has not been formulated yet! I'm tired of sitting in a dark room waiting for the next SCARE! I am tired of making a choice only to have it backfire in my face. I feel stripped of power I know I use to possess. I feel at the mercy of bad luck. Bad luck that seems to just flow through the very blood of me. Bad luck that has tainted and jaded my lust and enthusiasm for just opening my eyes each morning. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time over and over, has just tainted my creative force and inspiration. And please don't tell me to think positive. You MUST know and understand that when you have nothing but depressive experiences and endless buckets of water and shit thrown at you over and over with no let up.....well, It's a little hard to be happy and smiley every single day. Its kind of like torture...you only get to rest enough to recover from the last ass kicking before the next one kicks you in the teeth! And don't tell me about self esteem either....I have plenty of it. I may not have plenty of self confidence in some areas, but feel I AM WORTHY in every area.
Some days are better than others, but even on those days there are sacrifices.
If I have many good days on a continued basis then it makes the bad days easier to deal with and pass aside. If I have the contrary, which is the majority of bad days as the norm of my existence, then the good days become something foreign to me. Too few and far between. And I cannot comprehend a good day. I cannot seem to adjust my attitude to positive when just over my shoulder another bad trip is on my heels. What's the fucking point?
I'm sorry, but I must be thick as a brick because I am just not getting what it is I am supposed to be learning from the last 8 years worth of shitty experiences, struggles and humiliations.. Hell my Karma cannot be that bad??? I couldn't have been Ivan the Terrible in a past life to deserve this kind of torture and ass kicking in this this life? I could say the same for everything in my past too but I have only gotten stronger, not necessarily learned how to get on better from a dramatic and calamity filled life. What good has stronger gotten me? I'm barely surviving.. I have no love life, I have no fun, I can't do anything except work, and I keep stripping things down to the bone. What's the fucking point??? I want answers!!
Those last three years have been full of detours. Detours I don't understand. In those past most recent years, I was forced out from an unfinished relationship and moved practically around the corner from the job I was currently holding. Detour #1 out of the relationship I was tooling merrily along in. The humiliation wasn't enough to be dumped by someone I cared for, but then just a few months later I was fired from my long time job. Detour 2. Why was I fired now that I live a stones throw from the place, and have to support myself for the first time what is the point of this? It's been a long road. I have come to find out that having a job is just not enough unless you are making a decent wage and I mean A DECENT WAGE. One detour after another to take me where? And what the hell is it all for? Will someone tell me in plain human language that I can understand? Not in dreams that make no sense, not in signs that make me acknowledge, just plain and simple tell it to me like it really is Mr Angel or get the fuck lost!
You're not down here...I am!! The road since has been peppered with a lot of misspent projects, more forced choices I haven't wanted, more useless quests in the name of health and one financial crisis after another. Yes, I said crisis, because to me...it is a crisis. Financial Tsunami's abound, The financial stabs I take just make me weaker and weaker, there is no getting around it-that's just the reality of what happens because of it. It is like each time more money is taken, I die a little more. Because it doesn't stop. It's not that I value money so much as my life's blood, but it is the very blood that makes the river flow if you are to float without suffering in this insane world and all I do is bleed..
Detour #3....I am offered a job offer from a friend, and spend the next year and a half building that business up and hoping to get some future plan set in place from it. Not the case, I had to leave the job and the friendship leave it far behind, just turn my back in order to save my life. It was life a bad LSD trip. Detour #4 (in the middle of it all) I was just lucky enough to land another job otherwise that would have caused an abrupt re-direction into a cardboard box. That detour was at least my idea, but it seemed such a fluke. Living on my laurels, By sheer grace, I got another job right away with nary an effort. That in itself was out of place in my calamity Jane lifestyle. This new job is of course right around the corner from where I live. How cool is that? How wonderful, how convenient??? But wait.....that can't be allowed. It's too easy. So of course, my circumstances have to push me again the wall again there is no way I can afford this place on my own anymore and I have to move out of my beloved Ivory Tower. After all this time...and I have so tried, I have so tried,. I am in collections from trying. Detour #5.....So why did I get this job right down the street only to have to move? I'm sick of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now don't get me wrong here.....I don't fear changes, I'm just sick and tired of the rug being pulled out from under me without at least some thing to cushion my fall. Isn't the emotional stuff of all this SHIT bad enough to deal with without having to be buried by financial Tsunami's that come one after another? And don't get me wrong by thinking I am not looking at the bright side. When I CAN get up off the floor from the endless punches, I am very grateful about what I do have and outwardly don't appear to be suffering. But suffering has become like second skin......It just grows over all the shit I feel from it all, like Ivy...making it all seem to pretty on the outside! But inside I am screaming. And the bottom line is not pretty.
I hate denial, What purpose does it serve? Does it solve things? Does it find the answer? No, It just prolongs the misery. Sooner or later the feelings will surface at some point or another. As usual, lost in the maze of it all. When is it going to stop?
Calling All Angels-Eliza Gilkyson-Listen to the Lyrics.
Today I realized that life, like the roads of practically every major city, is an endless series of detours. You always seem to be taking the long way around to your central destination. It takes you longer to get there than you planned on and it is anything but a smooth drive. My life continues to be this way and I am more than pissed off about it.. I've had many, many detours in my life, but the condensed version that I am experiencing these days have me at the end of my rope. I want to SUE!
I am trying to keep my attitude up but I can only do that when I don't think about all the shit that I dwell in.
I've lived in Phoenix for over 30 years and for as long as I can remember they have ALWAYS had the roads torn up for some reason or another. Long lines of traffic, three lanes into one lane delays, and road closures. When they close the road it really makes you aware of how much we don't think about as we go about life every day with all the roads open. We expect everything to run smoothly, just like in life. At least I do. What a fucking crock! Try taking a 2 mile detour just to get to work that is just a mile down the road. That's exactly how I feel about how I am supposedly getting to my life's destination, through all this these trials and tribulations. These days, I have been experiencing more than just delays on the roads with freeway shut downs and intersections by my house completely closed....In my life things seem to be a mixed bag of shut downs and closures as well. I wish I had an inside pipeline to the divine universe...a real and tangible one so I could know which direction I should take instead of taking all the wrong roads SO BLINDLY. So I would truly know what the hell I was meant to do...instead of just being as daft as a teenage and just going where the river takes me .I'd love to know where the fuck I am going! And why I am going there. And I would love the ease ability of financially being able to go there. To move from one place to the next with out stress and struggle. Don't try to tell me I don't know what's going to happen because the future has not been formulated yet! I'm tired of sitting in a dark room waiting for the next SCARE! I am tired of making a choice only to have it backfire in my face. I feel stripped of power I know I use to possess. I feel at the mercy of bad luck. Bad luck that seems to just flow through the very blood of me. Bad luck that has tainted and jaded my lust and enthusiasm for just opening my eyes each morning. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time over and over, has just tainted my creative force and inspiration. And please don't tell me to think positive. You MUST know and understand that when you have nothing but depressive experiences and endless buckets of water and shit thrown at you over and over with no let up.....well, It's a little hard to be happy and smiley every single day. Its kind of like torture...you only get to rest enough to recover from the last ass kicking before the next one kicks you in the teeth! And don't tell me about self esteem either....I have plenty of it. I may not have plenty of self confidence in some areas, but feel I AM WORTHY in every area.
Some days are better than others, but even on those days there are sacrifices.
If I have many good days on a continued basis then it makes the bad days easier to deal with and pass aside. If I have the contrary, which is the majority of bad days as the norm of my existence, then the good days become something foreign to me. Too few and far between. And I cannot comprehend a good day. I cannot seem to adjust my attitude to positive when just over my shoulder another bad trip is on my heels. What's the fucking point?
I'm sorry, but I must be thick as a brick because I am just not getting what it is I am supposed to be learning from the last 8 years worth of shitty experiences, struggles and humiliations.. Hell my Karma cannot be that bad??? I couldn't have been Ivan the Terrible in a past life to deserve this kind of torture and ass kicking in this this life? I could say the same for everything in my past too but I have only gotten stronger, not necessarily learned how to get on better from a dramatic and calamity filled life. What good has stronger gotten me? I'm barely surviving.. I have no love life, I have no fun, I can't do anything except work, and I keep stripping things down to the bone. What's the fucking point??? I want answers!!
Those last three years have been full of detours. Detours I don't understand. In those past most recent years, I was forced out from an unfinished relationship and moved practically around the corner from the job I was currently holding. Detour #1 out of the relationship I was tooling merrily along in. The humiliation wasn't enough to be dumped by someone I cared for, but then just a few months later I was fired from my long time job. Detour 2. Why was I fired now that I live a stones throw from the place, and have to support myself for the first time what is the point of this? It's been a long road. I have come to find out that having a job is just not enough unless you are making a decent wage and I mean A DECENT WAGE. One detour after another to take me where? And what the hell is it all for? Will someone tell me in plain human language that I can understand? Not in dreams that make no sense, not in signs that make me acknowledge, just plain and simple tell it to me like it really is Mr Angel or get the fuck lost!
You're not down here...I am!! The road since has been peppered with a lot of misspent projects, more forced choices I haven't wanted, more useless quests in the name of health and one financial crisis after another. Yes, I said crisis, because to me...it is a crisis. Financial Tsunami's abound, The financial stabs I take just make me weaker and weaker, there is no getting around it-that's just the reality of what happens because of it. It is like each time more money is taken, I die a little more. Because it doesn't stop. It's not that I value money so much as my life's blood, but it is the very blood that makes the river flow if you are to float without suffering in this insane world and all I do is bleed..
Detour #3....I am offered a job offer from a friend, and spend the next year and a half building that business up and hoping to get some future plan set in place from it. Not the case, I had to leave the job and the friendship leave it far behind, just turn my back in order to save my life. It was life a bad LSD trip. Detour #4 (in the middle of it all) I was just lucky enough to land another job otherwise that would have caused an abrupt re-direction into a cardboard box. That detour was at least my idea, but it seemed such a fluke. Living on my laurels, By sheer grace, I got another job right away with nary an effort. That in itself was out of place in my calamity Jane lifestyle. This new job is of course right around the corner from where I live. How cool is that? How wonderful, how convenient??? But wait.....that can't be allowed. It's too easy. So of course, my circumstances have to push me again the wall again there is no way I can afford this place on my own anymore and I have to move out of my beloved Ivory Tower. After all this time...and I have so tried, I have so tried,. I am in collections from trying. Detour #5.....So why did I get this job right down the street only to have to move? I'm sick of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now don't get me wrong here.....I don't fear changes, I'm just sick and tired of the rug being pulled out from under me without at least some thing to cushion my fall. Isn't the emotional stuff of all this SHIT bad enough to deal with without having to be buried by financial Tsunami's that come one after another? And don't get me wrong by thinking I am not looking at the bright side. When I CAN get up off the floor from the endless punches, I am very grateful about what I do have and outwardly don't appear to be suffering. But suffering has become like second skin......It just grows over all the shit I feel from it all, like Ivy...making it all seem to pretty on the outside! But inside I am screaming. And the bottom line is not pretty.
I hate denial, What purpose does it serve? Does it solve things? Does it find the answer? No, It just prolongs the misery. Sooner or later the feelings will surface at some point or another. As usual, lost in the maze of it all. When is it going to stop?
Calling All Angels-Eliza Gilkyson-Listen to the Lyrics.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Ten Millionth Fall From Grace
If there was a way to kill myself in a non-painful or not a suffering way, I would surely take that option. I have had enough of pain, of trying, of pretending, of going along to get along, and of all the misunderstandings that people believe about me. I have had enough of the automatic rites of passage the body puts you through. I have had enough of trying to do what is right for me. I am not a perfect person by any means, but by most standards I am a genuinely good person, with the best intentions for those around me. My intentions seem to fall short, very very short, both for myself and for others more often than not. Somehow I have gotten tied up in that 'bad things happen to good people' syndrome and it doesn't let up, even after years and years. I feel like a dog that is tied up and thrown a bone every so often just to keep it alive. I cannot seem to break free. I feel bound to the continual bad things that happen to me. I am dead inside.
I think when people get to this point, where living is just not worth the effort anymore, you have to look at the psychology of what is important, or what the person thinks is important, because that is what drives their entire existence. When people contemplate not living anymore, it is because those inner standards of what they deem to be the only way life can be lived has been too many times compromised, cut off completely,.......their aspirations crushed, their lust for living beaten down, their joy and creativity ignored, their worth never reinforced and their inner spark extinguished by one bucket of water after another after another after another.
The pain that permeates my heart, and the burden of my own survival has become too much for this weakened and weary soul to bear. I have tried, I have tap danced, I have juggled, and I have begged, borrowed and stolen. I have gotten up from the floor only to take two steps and be knocked back down. I have compromised myself and I have sold my soul to survive. Instead of pro-gress, I di-gress. More trauma comes, more illness comes, more obligations come, more financial Tsunami comes. No joy comes, no love comes, no happy times come.
I feel bound to abuse. If feel like I am a dog with an abusive owner. I want to bite every body. I don't feel I deserve any of it....I don't feel I deserve any of the humiliation, or the envy, the back stabbing, and the betrayal that befalls me. I want to revolt, I want to make a stand, I want to speak up against unfairness. No one wants to listen...even though the negativity is everywhere in the world and the world thrives on it and loves to hear it daily on the news, no one wants to really know it's presence in their lives or the lives of their friends. I don't want to participate anymore. How do people continue in such a painful, unloving, and despairing place? No wonder they get sick with horrid diseases....we are so unequipped to handle ourselves. We are so ignorant. We are so illiterate.
A long time ago when my baby was a toddler, I was in such a despair. I have known despair very very well. I got up one night, went into the kitchen and was planning on slitting my wrists. All I could think about at the time, besides the unbearable pain inside me, was that my daughter might come and find me on the floor in a pool of blood, and what would happen to her if I was gone. As I was standing there, contemplating this release of my tortured soul a great Angel came and wrapped its wings around me. A feeling of release came over me and I heard a voice say 'you don't have to do this.' At that point I felt that things would be alright. I felt different. I continued on.
I suppose you would consider me very lucky. Maybe I was lucky back then because I believed in Angels and I had tons more faith than I do today. Back then, I felt I stood in the flow of grace almost every day, despite all the bad things that happened to me. Today I am much older, much wiser, much better at coping, much more mature, and so much more unhappy. So much better at failing. So much worse at living. Today, I believe in nothing. Not even Love. Love, one of the only beliefs I could ever adhere to. Today, I know that grace exists but my eyes are burned out and I cannot find my way to it. Today is no living.
So why do they make it so difficult and so unpleasant to leave the planet? Who wants to be in more pain by stabbing themselves? Who wants to be assured that a bottle of pills would really do the trick? Who wants to run the risk of the consequences of missing the mark with a pistol to the head? Who wants to botch a homemade hanging? Drive your car off a very steep cliff? No thanks....and that makes me even more unhappy. Is there no way out? Why don't I have a garage? A garage is good.
I think when people get to this point, where living is just not worth the effort anymore, you have to look at the psychology of what is important, or what the person thinks is important, because that is what drives their entire existence. When people contemplate not living anymore, it is because those inner standards of what they deem to be the only way life can be lived has been too many times compromised, cut off completely,.......their aspirations crushed, their lust for living beaten down, their joy and creativity ignored, their worth never reinforced and their inner spark extinguished by one bucket of water after another after another after another.
The pain that permeates my heart, and the burden of my own survival has become too much for this weakened and weary soul to bear. I have tried, I have tap danced, I have juggled, and I have begged, borrowed and stolen. I have gotten up from the floor only to take two steps and be knocked back down. I have compromised myself and I have sold my soul to survive. Instead of pro-gress, I di-gress. More trauma comes, more illness comes, more obligations come, more financial Tsunami comes. No joy comes, no love comes, no happy times come.
I feel bound to abuse. If feel like I am a dog with an abusive owner. I want to bite every body. I don't feel I deserve any of it....I don't feel I deserve any of the humiliation, or the envy, the back stabbing, and the betrayal that befalls me. I want to revolt, I want to make a stand, I want to speak up against unfairness. No one wants to listen...even though the negativity is everywhere in the world and the world thrives on it and loves to hear it daily on the news, no one wants to really know it's presence in their lives or the lives of their friends. I don't want to participate anymore. How do people continue in such a painful, unloving, and despairing place? No wonder they get sick with horrid diseases....we are so unequipped to handle ourselves. We are so ignorant. We are so illiterate.
A long time ago when my baby was a toddler, I was in such a despair. I have known despair very very well. I got up one night, went into the kitchen and was planning on slitting my wrists. All I could think about at the time, besides the unbearable pain inside me, was that my daughter might come and find me on the floor in a pool of blood, and what would happen to her if I was gone. As I was standing there, contemplating this release of my tortured soul a great Angel came and wrapped its wings around me. A feeling of release came over me and I heard a voice say 'you don't have to do this.' At that point I felt that things would be alright. I felt different. I continued on.
I suppose you would consider me very lucky. Maybe I was lucky back then because I believed in Angels and I had tons more faith than I do today. Back then, I felt I stood in the flow of grace almost every day, despite all the bad things that happened to me. Today I am much older, much wiser, much better at coping, much more mature, and so much more unhappy. So much better at failing. So much worse at living. Today, I believe in nothing. Not even Love. Love, one of the only beliefs I could ever adhere to. Today, I know that grace exists but my eyes are burned out and I cannot find my way to it. Today is no living.
So why do they make it so difficult and so unpleasant to leave the planet? Who wants to be in more pain by stabbing themselves? Who wants to be assured that a bottle of pills would really do the trick? Who wants to run the risk of the consequences of missing the mark with a pistol to the head? Who wants to botch a homemade hanging? Drive your car off a very steep cliff? No thanks....and that makes me even more unhappy. Is there no way out? Why don't I have a garage? A garage is good.
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