Ten Millionth Fall From Grace

If there was a way to kill myself in a non-painful or not a suffering way, I would surely take that option. I have had enough of pain, of trying, of pretending, of going along to get along, and of all the misunderstandings that people believe about me. I have had enough of the automatic rites of passage the body puts you through. I have had enough of trying to do what is right for me. I am not a perfect person by any means, but by most standards I am a genuinely good person, with the best intentions for those around me. My intentions seem to fall short, very very short, both for myself and for others more often than not. Somehow I have gotten tied up in that 'bad things happen to good people' syndrome and it doesn't let up, even after years and years. I feel like a dog that is tied up and thrown a bone every so often just to keep it alive. I cannot seem to break free. I feel bound to the continual bad things that happen to me. I am dead inside.

I think when people get to this point, where living is just not worth the effort anymore, you have to look at the psychology of what is important, or what the person thinks is important, because that is what drives their entire existence. When people contemplate not living anymore, it is because those inner standards of what they deem to be the only way life can be lived has been too many times compromised, cut off completely,.......their aspirations crushed, their lust for living beaten down, their joy and creativity ignored, their worth never reinforced and their inner spark extinguished by one bucket of water after another after another after another.

The pain that permeates my heart, and the burden of my own survival has become too much for this weakened and weary soul to bear. I have tried, I have tap danced, I have juggled, and I have begged, borrowed and stolen. I have gotten up from the floor only to take two steps and be knocked back down. I have compromised myself and I have sold my soul to survive. Instead of pro-gress, I di-gress. More trauma comes, more illness comes, more obligations come, more financial Tsunami comes. No joy comes, no love comes, no happy times come.
I feel bound to abuse. If feel like I am a dog with an abusive owner. I want to bite every body. I don't feel I deserve any of it....I don't feel I deserve any of the humiliation, or the envy, the back stabbing, and the betrayal that befalls me. I want to revolt, I want to make a stand, I want to speak up against unfairness. No one wants to listen...even though the negativity is everywhere in the world and the world thrives on it and loves to hear it daily on the news, no one wants to really know it's presence in their lives or the lives of their friends. I don't want to participate anymore. How do people continue in such a painful, unloving, and despairing place? No wonder they get sick with horrid diseases....we are so unequipped to handle ourselves. We are so ignorant. We are so illiterate.

A long time ago when my baby was a toddler, I was in such a despair. I have known despair very very well. I got up one night, went into the kitchen and was planning on slitting my wrists. All I could think about at the time, besides the unbearable pain inside me, was that my daughter might come and find me on the floor in a pool of blood, and what would happen to her if I was gone. As I was standing there, contemplating this release of my tortured soul a great Angel came and wrapped its wings around me. A feeling of release came over me and I heard a voice say 'you don't have to do this.' At that point I felt that things would be alright. I felt different. I continued on.

I suppose you would consider me very lucky. Maybe I was lucky back then because I believed in Angels and I had tons more faith than I do today. Back then, I felt I stood in the flow of grace almost every day, despite all the bad things that happened to me. Today I am much older, much wiser, much better at coping, much more mature, and so much more unhappy. So much better at failing. So much worse at living. Today, I believe in nothing. Not even Love. Love, one of the only beliefs I could ever adhere to. Today, I know that grace exists but my eyes are burned out and I cannot find my way to it. Today is no living.

So why do they make it so difficult and so unpleasant to leave the planet? Who wants to be in more pain by stabbing themselves? Who wants to be assured that a bottle of pills would really do the trick? Who wants to run the risk of the consequences of missing the mark with a pistol to the head? Who wants to botch a homemade hanging? Drive your car off a very steep cliff? No thanks....and that makes me even more unhappy. Is there no way out? Why don't I have a garage? A garage is good.