Wherever you go, there you are!

I've been procrastinating way too much lately. Procrastination is not really a trait of mine. But, I have developed a continual repulsion of rotten experiences that have befallen me. I don't want any adversity, no cross words, different opinions, no authority, no rejection, no "to do's" and no false accusations. So procrastination has introduced itself as a valuable avoidance tool. I've been going through a real rough period for over a year. Life shifts, heartbreak, job loss, financial tsunami, and plenty of things I didn't want but had to endure. I felt like Krisna’s Ajuna, constantly lost and feeling in the dark about which way he should turn in life and seeking guidance for the confusion and ignorance that being in the human body entails. Fallow is the breath I breathe in and out. Automation is my bodies routine. I am comfortably numb inside. To me its as if the streamlined download from the divine heavens is temporarily out on maintenance leave. I seem to be getting the same recorded message….“Please hold for the next available download of grace, pure bliss and unlimited joy.” But nothing is coming through. I'm still waiting. What’s going on up there? God must be on the unlimited golf course of eternity, and my angels have got to be stoned on heroin somewhere in some dank and smokey basement. I feel stranded-AGAIN. Better get the breakdown squad out. Whatever it is that will bring me relief please show up because, I am dialing 911 in my mind each day. No one is responding.

We all like to think we have some control. But we don't have any. The only control we may have is to make a choice to walk away from something unpleasant. The rest seems part and parcel of living on planet Earth. Good or bad as we see it. When I was forced into this change (that I did not choose ) at the beginning of it all, I was so very brave. I was proud of my courage and I was facing it with an incredible calm and maturity. No tantrums, just peaceful resistant acceptance. I gave myself a chance to prove to myself that I could be independent, and succeed, and like it while I was there. In the beginning it gave me lots of things to mull over, to think about, to question. Even to challenge, but at the time I did not have the tools to go forward with anything I wanted to do. I had to really think about some of the things I wanted. My life was filled with so many things I didn't want. So I delved right in to the pile of shit expecting to make great progress. But nothing happened. The new adventure didn't come. The insights and revelations didn't appear either. I just got covered in more shit. Months went by and I carried on with my life as I knew it and then, just as I was settling in more and trying to shake off all the shitty-ness I felt, the ax fell and fell hard and I lost my job. It was my only source of income, and it was summer. That is like the death plague in my town. Summer and unemployed! It was the worse thing that could have happened, really it was, because it made everything seem all the more uncertain. Here I was in a new place, on my own, no one else to cover me, what magic trick was I going to conjure up now? Now I had a lot of time to do a whole lot of what? Being out of work and short on income did not afford me to move very forward. I became very bored and impatient for things to change for the better.

I thought I was holding my own in my private nightmarish situation until that one fateful day. That day my hope gave out. It was like loosing blood from a great gaping wound. I could no longer contain it. I couldn't take anymore shit-I was overflowing with it. The despair kept pouring out. Its still pouring out. Nonetheless, I still awoke each day, much to my dismay, and bandaged myself up like everyone does except now I was pretending that everything was fine. That was very unlike me. I tried not to walk around under this doom cloud all the time. Of course, the inevitable financial Tsunami followed even though I gave my best efforts in keeping afloat. I floated and floated and clung to my tiny raft to which I was attached. More months and months went by and more changes came. A few were considered to be good by most standards, but within me the anger was still brewing like a volcano. I felt like it was raining for a lot longer than forty days. And my little boat kept getting capsized.

Now, a year has passed and you would think after this long period of time, that things would have improved or settled down. New opportunities, new people, new something!! No, no Nothing. Tick, tick, tick......the time went by and I felt like I was living “The Tell Tale Heart.” or “Four walls and a Funeral.” All this time on my hands could get dangerous. If nothing else I at least needed a distraction, just to tide me over from the doldrums of living on pennies and having nothing exciting going on in my life. I am not recovered. I want to go shopping. I want new jeans. I want a new beau. I want to be able to fix things. I wanted freedom from all of this. I want a completely different type of life and one that is more pleasant and bountiful than I have ever experienced.

I did of course, survive all the pain and the void of heart that it was. I had hoped for some relief, but instead I got sickness. I suppose I couldn't keep the charade up but I couldn't contain my anger any longer either. It came out in little ailments that affected my everyday experience and especially my demeanor even more. Man did I get grumpy! Yeah, I was sick of everything all right, and it came out in full force. Three months worth of sickness. It gives me even more time to think doesn't it? But I ask myself as I face each day, “have I gotten anywhere?” I would say no. I have had to go backwards and sacrifice in many ways just to survive. Ways I shouldn't have to. I know that I am still mulling over the past, but its hard not to. The past is still right on my heels. Nothing blissful, loving or joyful has come about or even remotely into view. I envy the people who can paint a veneer of gladness and ignorant bliss over all the bad situations, setbacks, atrocities, despairs of the heart and struggles in the modern world. I am not one of those people. But I have been trying to view things differently, but that does not guarantee that you will have different and happier experiences. So far my misery remains within my experience. So what now?