I am grateful for the solitude today, even though it is only one day and not long enough, I don’t know what to do with it. Tomorrow I will have to get up and go to work again and put it all on again.
I am tongue tied and mentally twisted up like a bowl of spaghetti. I just want to sleep, to be unconscious, to escape any thought, feeling, rage or response to anything....anything at all. The radio plays in the background and I am surprised I am allowing even that. I don’t want any stimulation, not even the TV. I don’t want to hear the phone ring, go outside, even open the door to look outside. I am frozen inside and I want to freeze the outside as well. Still, I am impatient at the slow speed at which the my hand writes these lines, a snails pace and my hands start to hurt. Contrary to my heart, my mind is flying and spinning around me. I can almost see the thoughts...like pesky flies just bobbing around in the dizzy aura that my head seems to have become. I am impatient at how slowly these words come out and I think, ‘I’ll go to the computer perhaps, typing is faster,’ but even that is too much of an expenditure of energy. Right now I feel no love for the desk and the chair, regardless of the ease and flow of the keyboard, I need a soft place to land, and the couch is the nearest thing. TV is really good therapy sometimes because it doesn't require a response.
I can feel my inner impatience...and of wanting to skip over these elementary words, to skip over the process, skip past the rage behind it ...just fast forward to the crux of the issue. I suppose in a crude and less descriptive way, I am trying to get myself someplace else and fast, and somewhere way past where I am now. Where I am now, is not only an emotionally turbulent place, but it can be an unrelenting physical place as well. Through in some boredom and restlessness, indecision, anger and hopelessness and you have got a lot going on all at once.And those are just my feelings.
There does comes a point when you feel you want to take it down to the barest of levels and strip it down at least until you feel some solace and comfort. To stop all the false smiles, the fake “I’m fines” and really feel what’s wrong. Most people don’t want to do this because they don't want to admit things about themselves.. Somehow, acknowledging my feelings is a plus because it can serve as a navigation point. I find it to be very comforting. Lately I’ve been so busy putting a face on for everyone that I have forgotten what’s important to me and who it really is that I am underneath it all. There are so many parts of me that I can hardly see anymore. The dusty remnants of something I once dreamed. Things I would love to have ventured into and things I use to love to do. The risky moments of my youth that I can no longer do. But in my world today there is little time to do them anyway. All those things that make me feel good, that put a sparkle in my eye and a feeling of comfort in my heart, well, they are all drowned by the responsibilities of surviving. Drowned by all the have to’s of working and bills and worries. Drowned by the pain in my heart over paths not taken and loves lost. Drowned by the monotonous, unfulfillable and so very UNREWARDING existence I live each day. I mean, there are no vacations, no times of joy, no seizing the moment, no excitement about the day, no opportunity and no looking forward to the vision for the future. No human touch. At this point I cannot imagine what the future will be like. Those things that once held the tiniest of sparks for me have become almost non existent. Like a distant ship fading on the horizon, it’s almost gone...you can barely see it as it drifts over the horizon. Just like the best parts of yourself...they get pushed up into the cobwebbed corners, into all those dark little crevices that you can’t really see into, so you barely remember them. You can’t see them anymore, like forgetting someones face.....all you can see is trouble and strife, All you can feel is the stickiness of the dark cobwebs.
The irony of life is that it is a fantasy to start with. After you get over the ideal of it, it’s over. Childhood is a complete waste of time. Where does it get you? In civilized countries you spent too many years doing nothing. Once you become an adult, it's really over and you are no longer allowed to be child like. You cannot do nothing or you won't survive. You aren't allowed to stay in the moment anymore. The romance of greeting each day happily day eludes you. If you want romance,you have to seek it out, find it and maintain it. Everything becomes maintenance. Maintain the body, maintain your relationship, maintain the house and appliances, your car, your pets, your children's development...everything needs maintenance. You may have gotten wiser and more tempered with age but you have paid a price. A big price. Nothing is simple. I think all the complexities that things have become have worn us out. Politics is interwoven into everything here and it robs our experiences of goodness. The simple task of maintaining and surviving on my own, is not so simple and it becomes the biggest burden of all.
So my solitude and my retreat from my world won't last. The night will come and I will fight going to sleep because I know I have to get up tomorrow and go out there. I know tomorrow I have to face the same trials and tribulations with out any rest and recovery. I know tomorrow brings another opportunity shot to change it. I will wake up in my bed in the morning and say here we go again.
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