TOUGH IT OUT

It had not been a very good health week for me, so I had booked a much needed Colon Hydrotherapy session with a lady who had over the years become my mentor. I found that if I allowed my internal system to back up too much, my emotional health would start to become toxic as well. I would get angry quicker, and emotional unnecessarily, not to mention irritable 24/7. So I needed not just a physical cleansing but a mental one as well. We spent the session, cleansing the body of course but also discussing where I was right now and why. During the therapy she said a simple truth to me that really stuck with me, even though I knew it in the back of my mind it was so much clearer to me when she said it. She said “ You are the writer, producer, director and actress in your own life script. You must have wanted to be where you are, because here you are.

Well…..it took me long enough to create it if that was truly the case…There I had been…always screaming and kicking in my own head. Trying to make changes, but taking baby steps. Did I want to continue to beat myself up over mistakes I had made? Was I suffering from unnecessary boredom and was trying to stir up a little trouble? I had a hunch every now and then that my life was supposed to be going a different way, but I am a person who can get too comfortable sometimes within a situation, and stay there way to long. I pretended I knew there was some kind of plan behind the magic curtain for me but since this great shift that I just went through, I have felt completely kept in the dark about what it was and what was going to happen next.

I have been consciously trying to create some fun for myself ever since I moved from my last “pull my heartstrings apart situation” to this ever so solitary one. In the back of my mind I had been thinking that I wanted someone to recognize my work talents and recruit me to something better. And also in the back of my mind, I wanted a lover. Nothing serious, just someone to enjoy and break up the solitude every now and then. So between my need for distraction, and my need for recognition I have been playing mental ping-pong. My life hasn’t changed that much, since the move, it has just become more solitary. I realized that I’d forgotten how to have fun, and gotten all tied up within this jaded mindset, constantly bah hum bugging everything and just hiding away in my own insecure blanket. Needless to say, I have been pounding my head against the wall trying to create something. Trying a little too hard I think. Sending it out there, the wish list of the things I think I need. All the while having counter productive self doubting thoughts that there is nothing out there to even tag my interest….no one that would suit me. From what I had met of men in the last years, it’s looking all the more like three word grunting Neanderthals, or those who are just plain afraid of me and won’t try. Then on the work front, no matter what tap dance I did for anyone, there was not an offer in sight that would serve me or catapult me further up the financial ladder. But, I shouldn’t let myself get caught up in this kind of thinking because I should know better…and I should also know by now how to attract the things I want, and mostly importantly, the people I want. I have done it before, and I know I can do it again. It seems to be a matter of fine tuning and tweaking the knobs a bit to get it just right because it’s not that easy. I cannot figure out why I am giving in to all this self-doubt?

Often you have to dig through layers of beliefs (your own) that you often don’t realize you have. You have to face some of your inner demons too. You have to start to think thoughts in ways you cannot imagine doing. Yeah, right, Miss pessimist here start thinking “shiny happy thoughts.” I don’t think so! You’ve become so use to just being you, almost robotically…thinking your way, experiencing things you always do…and then wondering why your life doesn’t work. Or why your life isn’t what you want. Sounds confusing I know! But it’s very easy to loose faith and not have the foresight and patience to just wait knowing that a new adventure might just be visible on the horizon. And all I need is a little patience. It’s so easy to get lost when life shifts, and the shift wasn’t planned by you. But me, I am not patient at all. Life can beat that patience right out of you in my opinion. As I wait, for what is coming next my inner Genie is chomping at the bit. Maybe that comes from being born into our world of instant gratification. It’s the instant gratification thing staring you in the face. We are all guilty of it. We want it and we want it now. The media, advertising and social propaganda tell us we can have it now. Let’s not forget they tell us how special we are, and we can make our outer world experience any way we want it. Have you looked at those God awful Bank posters, telling you “we can make your account to suit your needs”-yeah, if your depositing lots of cash-ola all the time! We have to have it our way though, personalizing our online home page to show what WE want to see when it first opens up, We have the rings on our cell phones and caller ID to screen who we talk to (not to mention text messaging, picture phone, and email through the phone). Of course there is still Burger King, where we can have it our way. We think we are in control. We are told we have choices in how we want our day to go.

So it would seem logical that it would follow suit that this concept would spill over into our personal lives don’t you think? But it doesn’t always work that way…at least not for me. In our personal life it seems it is much harder to get what we really want. And why is that? Is it because all this other outside stuff is just hype and isn’t really of any importance anyway? And the things we want for ourselves personally, is that stuff really important? Do we treat it like it isn’t? And if it is important, why isn’t it as much a priority as the energy we all put into our jobs or into that project we are doing for some boss somewhere who doesn’t really care what we can do. We are always trying to prove ourselves in work, why don’t we do that in our personal lives as well?

From the experiences I have had lately, I have concluded that I need to learn to be still for a second, whether or not I want to be. I cannot push the river, and I cannot and most importantly do not want to create the wrong thing. I have done enough of that in the past, and also had many of the wrong people approach me. It’s a big lesson for me, not to chase those rainbows that I know are wrong for me, but I am going to have to just tough it out! Growl as I will, and you know I will, I am going to leave well enough alone for now and just sees what happens. Lets see how long it takes for something juicy to pop up. The challenge is ON!

Shift happens

I thought that I had pretty much given up the fight when I surrendered with white flag in hand to the inevitable situation of having to move out leaving both house and relationship…after all,
I had lived the last 4 years with the Mr. and was still ok with continuing on with him. But after kicking and screaming inside about it, and just procrastinating on the outside about it, I reluctantly said “OK, I will do this”, even though I whole heartedly did not want to…and reluctantly I moved. Now, I am three months into my new surroundings, have gotten settled in, got a routine started that serves me and so far have held my self together very well both financially and emotionally. I have totally accepted that here I am, and I am meant to be right here right now. Like it or not. Or have I?

Right now, my underlying anger is back. I have felt it slinking around dodging itself through the tiniest of cracks of my emotional dam. Like a fiery ball of energy that cannot be contained, the intensity of it has started to break me down. I evaded it for so long, thinking I had dispelled much of it and now it has caught up to me once again and found my hiding place. It’s hard sometimes, being caught up in this world of over stimulation, rationed time slots, and “to dos” to even identify what the hell is bugging you, and why you are upset in the first place. I really agree with Dr. Phil’s words, when he says to people “Ok, you got mad because she didn’t fold the laundry right”, and then asks the same person what is the real issue behind your being upset. I can relate that to my life very easily, even though sometimes I too, cannot always put my finger on the exact causes of my irritability and dissatisfaction.

I know a lot of my irritability and dissatisfaction has to do with control…how much control you have over what happens to you and what happens in your life. I know that I need to have control over certain aspects of my personal life and preferences, and when I don’t get that control, I do get upset. It’s my way of avoiding a lot of conflict and being able to keep an even keel going. Making my experience pleasant rather than complicated and full of aggravations. Even if it’s a simple thing, like when I placed a flowerpot full of flowers outside my front door (I now live in a condominium where they asked me to take it down.) But that’s another subject entirely…I believe that everyone is a little controling to some degree.

I thought that I would give myself some time…. and get more comfortable living solo, meaning that I would just spend time doing things I enjoyed, needed to get done, or to rediscover. That’s OK up to a certain point. Its like you get too much of yourself and you get emotional cabin fever. You need a distraction, or someone to make you laugh. There isn’t much time for anything in my life right now. I work way too much, because I have two jobs. One job is outside the home and takes up way to many hours and one job is home based and requires way too many hours. I have numerous projects going on, family to contend with, and Yoga classes twice a week that take up an entire morning. Trying to get with friends is near impossible due to my work hours, and then what about fun? Relaxation? Leisure time? Shopping? Or a lover? Forget it…all those things just don’t fit in to my run rabbit run schedule.

So how do you find a happy medium? Like most people, I have to work for the money to maintain it all. How do you get all your work done and still have the time and energy left for feeding your soul? I feel like that is what I am trying to do right now, after this huge shift in my life…. I am trying too hard to push the river as it was and create a little fun for myself. So far much of it has backfired…and once again I am back where I started in the first place-irritable and dissatisfied.

Standing within my own shadow.

How do I get back to myself is the burning question, that keeps seeping in through my pores, invades itself into my dreams, stares me in the face in the mirror each morning and shows up every where in my sensory filters. It stares me blankly in the face whenever I am alone. And I happen to be alone a lot lately after leaving a 5 year live in situation rather unwillingly. But wait, no, I am not crying in my beer, or acting pathetically needy and ridiculous like some do after going through a break up that they didn't want. No, I am doing rather well considering.

Its been so long since I have actually lived alone and not had anyone around. To come through the door after work, to nothing but the stillness and the solitude of stationary furniture, dishes in the sink....everything as it was left hours before-all of my own doing. No one to greet me, or to vent onto and of course no one to look forward to hanging with. What I experience instead has only been the satisfaction of knowing that I am in my cloister, surrounded by things I love, and no one can ask anything of me here.

One of the things that was an issue in my previous situation was that I could not be myself at home....that I had to pretend that everything was fine or that I felt ok, both physically and emotionally even if I wasn't feeling that way. So here I am now in my own place, where I can be exactly who or what takes me over for any given moment. But despite the fact that I have unpacked most everything and everything has found a place......and though I have set up a routine that I can live by, and have everything I need within reach, a huge question mark hovers over my head. OK, here I am....what now? I feel like I have forgotten how to be alone. That I have gotten lost in the fabric of someone else, and mine has become transparent. Forgotten how to entertain myself. Forgotten many of the things I liked to do before it all. But have I forgotten because I no longer have the interest for most of them? Like I have had in the past? Or is it that I have changed and have not noticed? Or maybe I do not need those things anymore? I don't have an answer. But my inquiring mind wants to know.

When ever I have gone through any "major" changes as the world dubs it,..it has always been for a purpose, or a goal, or to escape from something I could no longer tolerate. Off I would go, on any whim or any prayer, and down any road if I had the conviction for it, with no fear and ready to really risk anything just to force the change. But this time, I feel that the Universe has put me here quite intentionally, and is not letting me in on the secret of how to be here now.....how ironic I would type that. "Be here Now" isn't that what we are all suppose to be doing? And here I am, right here, right now...supposed to be "being" me?

Still I am quite restless within my own skin....lots of Scarlet O'hara sighs and objections to lots of things.....And no proverbial Rhett to say "oh just settle your ass down." So again I send the question out into the ethers, OK...here I am what now? Hoping that I will recognize what ever sign presents itself...as something worthy of pursuit.