Survival and Perspective

While I am by no means as misfortunate as the New Orleans residents who are now homeless and displaced all around, I am still feeling quite displaced myself as I go through another day in my own life within what I consider “the dark of uncertainty.” The Katrina Hurricane has actually temporarily allowed me to feel like I have it all, by diverting my attention from my own dilemma of jobless-ness, limited income and single-hood to that of people who have it much, much worse. As I am watching all this probably like most other Americans, glued to the TV every day, I am seeing something that the whole of America needs to also see from this unfortunate tragedy. What I am seeing is normal everyday people holding out a hand to another human being in need. This is something that we have almost forgotten unless such a tragedy comes along. In everyone's day to day we probably wouldn't be shaken if someone fainted in front of us. But similar devastating situations are all around us if we were aware of it. At least in reference to that, and in hopes within the United States, those people involved in those everyday troubles would have a home to rest in, water to drink, and clothes to wear, no matter how impoverish their conditions. If I have nothing else right now, I have the sanctuary of my apartment, which is definitely comforting, I have food and clothes to wear and air conditioned shelter from the blaring heat that is the storm where I live. I also have a monetary means of support for another month or two before that support goes away and my life gets even more uncertain. I can’t look any further down the road than that. And neither can some of these survivors. When it comes to the other side of the coin, the mental and emotional side, I feel completely confused if not completely void. Uncertain of direction that I am even interested in going, confused about having all this time alone and to myself, and very unsure of where I will land in my next venture of employment. And once I land there am I even going to want to be there? All too often I have taken a job I really didn’t want and been miserable and trapped by the need for money to survive. When we are all so preoccupied with just surviving the day to day, how can we attend to our spiritual and emotional needs? Even with so much alone time on my hands, you would think that I would be busy scrapping all my broken dreams together and forming another game plan to get me through the next hurdle but I am not. I am not enthusiastic nor motivated to move forward out into the world again. I am not getting any “light bulb moments” of inspiration, or anything that even remotely pulls me towards it. And I am viewing the world so much differently from this mid-aged, jaded, been there done that, been burned too much, perspective. It’s not always a positive outlook from behind my eyes. I’m worn out. And I am stressed out by the demands of society. I cannot imagine being 70 or 80 and sick on top of it…by then I am sure I would go to the extremes, either give up and die or go postal.

I often wonder if it is because I am totally by myself, with no other support system that nothing inspirational is filtering through. I mean, because I am so all consumed by just surviving, keeping creditors off my back, and keeping my electric bill paid. I would feel guilty if I went out to a restaurant to eat or rented a couple of movies. Money and how to get it, has become my biggest priority. My big weak spot has always been keeping the income coming in. I seem to go through fallow periods every couple of years where I cannot generate income on a steady basis. Something always happens….I loose another job or have a big car or medical expense that just taps everything I have. And why am I always creating this pattern? Or is it just bad luck? I would like to know the answer, not just sit here constantly guessing. So here we are again. Only this time I truly do feel on my own. I am no longer living with someone who can cover the rent while I look for another job, no longer living with someone who is willing to buy the groceries and pay the electric bill for me while I pick up the pieces. I am the chief cook and bottle washer, income provider, head of household and decision maker. This is a big, big adjustment for me at such an age. Loosing my job at such a time of adjustment just did not help.

My family’s circumstances aren’t much better. They are such that they too are barely treading water just meeting their day to day requirements of survival in these modern times. There isn’t any extra room in their houses, extra money in their wallets, or extra energy to attend to my problems. Doesn’t that sound like the story of everyone these days? But somehow we all seem to survive by the skin of our teeth. So, I am curious as to what will happen if I actually have to leave this apartment in 2 months time. This apartment that I had only just moved into 8 months ago, when I was “divorced.” This apartment I had only been living in 4 months before I lost my job. When I first moved in to the apartment I had so many things to adjust to that I wasn’t accustomed to. Just the break up of my relationship has still left me with a residual trail of particles I am still trying to dust off! The biggie was of course paying for every thing, completely by myself. But, as much as I hated it, and hated the thought of being alone, when I landed here, I felt that everything would be all right and that I shouldn’t worry. And while there is something inside me that isn’t worrying there is something else in the back of my mind that is fearing the worst. Who’s right then?

When a person who is in a position such as myself, and of course too, the Hurricane survivors, how can you be in a joyous state about the future? Just because you have your life, what else do you have? How can you go down the street smiling when you are distressed inside? Uncertain? Despaired? Distressed that things aren’t going to be alright?….that things as they stand are not alright. That your whole life as you know it, has been changed for you? Abrupt changes are just not good for the human psyche unless you’re the one initiating those changes. For me and for them, it’s still a forced choice. We have survived, but hope is damaged and fortitude is just about depleted. How do you carry on without being affected in who you are by what has happened to you? I ask for everyone here (from an everyday perspective), not just me, not just the hurricane survivors, but everyone that struggles with misfortune. How does life NOT change your perspective? How do you keep positive when you’re not rich? How do you keep your chin up when it seems you have nothing but bad luck? How do you remain honest in a world of dishonest people? Asking from the reality of living….how do we survive?