My Restless Mind, Body & Soul

I am grateful for the solitude today, even though it is only one day and not long enough, I don’t know what to do with it. Tomorrow I will have to get up and go to work again and put it all on again.
I am tongue tied and mentally twisted up like a bowl of spaghetti. I just want to sleep, to be unconscious, to escape any thought, feeling, rage or response to anything....anything at all. The radio plays in the background and I am surprised I am allowing even that. I don’t want any stimulation, not even the TV. I don’t want to hear the phone ring, go outside, even open the door to look outside. I am frozen inside and I want to freeze the outside as well. Still, I am impatient at the slow speed at which the my hand writes these lines, a snails pace and my hands start to hurt. Contrary to my heart, my mind is flying and spinning around me. I can almost see the thoughts...like pesky flies just bobbing around in the dizzy aura that my head seems to have become. I am impatient at how slowly these words come out and I think, ‘I’ll go to the computer perhaps, typing is faster,’ but even that is too much of an expenditure of energy. Right now I feel no love for the desk and the chair, regardless of the ease and flow of the keyboard, I need a soft place to land, and the couch is the nearest thing. TV is really good therapy sometimes because it doesn't require a response.

I can feel my inner impatience...and of wanting to skip over these elementary words, to skip over the process, skip past the rage behind it ...just fast forward to the crux of the issue. I suppose in a crude and less descriptive way, I am trying to get myself someplace else and fast, and somewhere way past where I am now. Where I am now, is not only an emotionally turbulent place, but it can be an unrelenting physical place as well. Through in some boredom and restlessness, indecision, anger and hopelessness and you have got a lot going on all at once.And those are just my feelings.

There does comes a point when you feel you want to take it down to the barest of levels and strip it down at least until you feel some solace and comfort. To stop all the false smiles, the fake “I’m fines” and really feel what’s wrong. Most people don’t want to do this because they don't want to admit things about themselves.. Somehow, acknowledging my feelings is a plus because it can serve as a navigation point. I find it to be very comforting. Lately I’ve been so busy putting a face on for everyone that I have forgotten what’s important to me and who it really is that I am underneath it all. There are so many parts of me that I can hardly see anymore. The dusty remnants of something I once dreamed. Things I would love to have ventured into and things I use to love to do. The risky moments of my youth that I can no longer do. But in my world today there is little time to do them anyway. All those things that make me feel good, that put a sparkle in my eye and a feeling of comfort in my heart, well, they are all drowned by the responsibilities of surviving. Drowned by all the have to’s of working and bills and worries. Drowned by the pain in my heart over paths not taken and loves lost. Drowned by the monotonous, unfulfillable and so very UNREWARDING existence I live each day. I mean, there are no vacations, no times of joy, no seizing the moment, no excitement about the day, no opportunity and no looking forward to the vision for the future. No human touch. At this point I cannot imagine what the future will be like. Those things that once held the tiniest of sparks for me have become almost non existent. Like a distant ship fading on the horizon, it’s almost gone...you can barely see it as it drifts over the horizon. Just like the best parts of yourself...they get pushed up into the cobwebbed corners, into all those dark little crevices that you can’t really see into, so you barely remember them. You can’t see them anymore, like forgetting someones face.....all you can see is trouble and strife, All you can feel is the stickiness of the dark cobwebs.

The irony of life is that it is a fantasy to start with. After you get over the ideal of it, it’s over. Childhood is a complete waste of time. Where does it get you? In civilized countries you spent too many years doing nothing. Once you become an adult, it's really over and you are no longer allowed to be child like. You cannot do nothing or you won't survive. You aren't allowed to stay in the moment anymore. The romance of greeting each day happily day eludes you. If you want romance,you have to seek it out, find it and maintain it. Everything becomes maintenance. Maintain the body, maintain your relationship, maintain the house and appliances, your car, your pets, your children's development...everything needs maintenance. You may have gotten wiser and more tempered with age but you have paid a price. A big price. Nothing is simple. I think all the complexities that things have become have worn us out. Politics is interwoven into everything here and it robs our experiences of goodness. The simple task of maintaining and surviving on my own, is not so simple and it becomes the biggest burden of all.
So my solitude and my retreat from my world won't last. The night will come and I will fight going to sleep because I know I have to get up tomorrow and go out there. I know tomorrow I have to face the same trials and tribulations with out any rest and recovery. I know tomorrow brings another opportunity shot to change it. I will wake up in my bed in the morning and say here we go again.

Left in the dark

Nothing surprises me anymore. It's a fact the world has changed, and it definitely isn't all wine and roses. Actually it never has been, but for the time that I have been here, I have seen more betrayal and backstabbing in my own life than I care to mention. Cursed as a Gemini, my life seems to walk hand in hand with the opposites. One hand is holding with Grace........like spirit is walking beside me, keeping me from homelessness, keeping me aware of gratefulness, keeping up my appearances, and having a built in safety valve for me. Possibly growing well for the human limitation I inhabit. Then, on the other hand is Bad Luck, being a trouble magnet, with a propensity for being blamed for things I didn't do, never being really understood by the majority, being in the wrong place at the wrong time a lot, and of course for whatever reason, having lousy money karma. So many unfortunate things keep happening to me it becomes second nature, and a despondency envelopes the spark that I once had residing within me. Hence, my constant forlorn attitude.

From the continual barrage of bad experiences I continue to have, I'd say my view of life has become jaded and has soured quite a bit. I have become very anti-social. People that are too happy are too much for me. I can't take too much good news because in my life there isn't much of it. It isn't happening to me. Ever. I can't smile when I am screaming inside. Then there are the people who just choose to ignore all the bad stuff, and live in denial and think nothing is wrong with life. They want you to do the same.They are the hardest be around. That's like being tied to the whipping post and flogged, and thinking....no biggie. But I could never fake it. Part of my character makeup is truth and being true. And the truth of my experience is calamity. So this has become my m.o.......and it happens all the time.

I never understood what childhood was for. When your a child you have little true freedom in the outside world. Maybe you do in the inner world, but you are still subject to what you have to do when you leave that place. Everyone has an opinion of what you should be doing and how you should do it. Maybe childhood is the only time you can remain truly free from the burdens and misunderstandings of adulthood. You dream of growing up so that you can do what you want. But once you are an adult, you have many responsibilities and even more rules that you have to abide by every day.

I think rules and responsibilities kill the spirit when abused. If you believe in guilt...then you can also drag and punish yourself on a daily basis just for living who you are. I don't feel totally responsible for all the bad things that have happened to me, although there are many things I would love to do over. Hell, I would probably do my whole life over if I could....(I don't want any Gods or Angels to hear that because I don't really want to do this again.). And what if I had the chance to? I would still be born into the same family, grow up with the same problems, and still have the mind I had then so how would it be different.? Would I be allowed to turn back time knowing fully what I know now? Would I act differently, and would I be smarter and more motivated? I don't know what makes me act the way I do sometimes.

Yeah.....so I have learned a great deal of things like how to keep afloat when you have $5.00 left to your name. I've learned how to get around doing without. Juggle and improvise. Rob Peter to pay Paul. I have learned you really do survive a heartbreak (but not without a price) and wake up the next day and you have to go on. I have learned how to hold my head up high when I have really been shit on. And through trial and error I have learned how to manage things a lot better, and to cope better. So I have learned to put up a type of “indifference field around me” to keep any unpleasant things from truly setting up camp in my mind. That field is especially prominent regarding men or money. Big tender spots, those two areas. Because there is always activity around those subjects. And like everyone, the stories have become big soap operas, big patterns laid down, torrential Tsunami's and always, always, big heartbreak.

The man thing comes from my Father, whom I never knew and never had. He jumped ship when I was a baby.....and who knows why my mother made the arrangements she did, but it was decided by the two of them that I would never know him and he would never have anything to do with me. He left my mother for another woman, and stayed with her until he died. She was apparently a dominant bossy kind of woman, and he was apparently, a coward. So, men always leave me. My spinster Aunties always spoke of men as complete evil. So although its not in the forefront of my psyche, that entire episode of Dad leaving daughter when I was still in swaddling cloth, imprinted me with the thought that men are not true. It also set me up to search for the father figure that was vacant for my entire life. I wanted someone to take care of me, but not an old man. My entire romantic life has been chasing that concept around for all my adult years here on earth. Even though I still believed in Love as the ultimate. Unfortunately, something within my chemistry, whether spoken or not, chases away suitors or even the thought of them. I've never really been married. I've had plenty chase me, but none brave enough to stay around. Hence they also lack the commitment to stick it out with me, along with the thought of my importance like my father. It is just what I attract from holding the whole “dad” thing within the mind of my cells. Now,.........knowing this...and knowing the pattern was set up from an early, early age, all the experts and the New Age gurus say sheer acknowledgment of the problem or pattern is supposed to melt it away. Or at least set it in motion for healing. I have to say from my experience, I don't believe that to be true. I may not have paid as much mind to the entire Father abandonment thing throughout my life (sort of what you don't know, doesn't hurt you kind of thing) but it has reared its ugly head over and over when a relationship has popped up. Right now, it is looming over me like some freak clown nightmare. And a man to match my caliber seems to be the farthest thing from me. Someone who really knows I am a nut case but loves me anyway. He doesn't even have to be my soul mate (what a concept). But something, if not me, is keeping him away.

Haven't figured the money thing out at all. I often feel like I was once a queen, and wanted to know what it was like to live among the peasants. Maybe some evil genie granted my wish and cast me in this binding spell, because I seem bound to a life of not being able to generate the money I need. Even the basics. Unable to escape it or shift it.

So how do you view things then? Coming back to the now of where things are today, right here, right now, July 2006. Now that the world has changed, and you yourself have changed, and you haven't even had time to catch your breath? With my uncanny ability to create calamity and misfortune without a blink , how do I make it stop? Why then can I not create the positive and wonderful things too? Is it my lack of joy regarding life in the cloak of the flesh, that drags my very essence into the bowels of life's worst hardships? I'd really like to know why most everyone's life has never (outwardly) put them where they really want to be. Why we are all so lacking in the things we truly need and deserve? I want to know why this is. I ask...Is there really a secret formula to anyones success or happiness? Some people are just born into abundance and good times. But don't they say that life is what you make it? Well, if that's true, then what about poverty, lack of opportunities and prejudice for the not so fortunate? If we all knew the secret, would we be able to utilize it for the progression of our experience? Or will it continue to be shrouded from our view? I am always asking both myself and everyone, For what purpose must we suffer? Growth alone cannot be all the grist for the mill.

My life continues to be a complete paradoxical experience, With no real answers to the most pressing questions. I do know why some things happen, but when you are in it, your operating, your life and choosing from every single variable that is around you. Each person personalizes everything that happens to them, to suit and feed their needs whatever they might be. It's like all these experiences are made to measure and are as unique and personal to every person, as the millions of combinations of numbers, much like a phone number. So..... Here's a question.....How many times can I change my phone number????

Despite it all, your mind will trick you with rationalizations that the place you are in is really not that bad because you have become comfortable and familiar with it. You've then convinced yourself, like it or not that your life is OK because you feel safe within your routine and environment. Some people will even say that they are happy with their life and I don't always believe them. I am sure down underneath the skin and the bones is a dream or a love that they have shoveled under the rug for whatever reason. All those sacrifices. All those “have too's,,” all those “I shoulds” just rob you of extending your true natural joy into an exploration allowing yourself and your creative abilities to blossom and flourish. I'm sure that would feel pretty dam good if we all really did follow our hearts and our dreams AND IT WORKED OUT!
So, I want to know, where do all those un-manifested hopes and
dreams go? Who is the appointed collector of tears?

Are we forever going to be subjected to only fragments and wishes, regrets and longings for things we didn't do? Wouldn't do, or were prevented from doing? How long does it take to reach a state of completion, at least for this menial and limited intellectual existence? There seems to be too many questions here on Earth and not enough answers. I stand eagerly awaiting the download of answers in hopes of finding a reason just to open my eyes for another 30 years. People in the know insist that we really do have the answers within us, but how true is that really? Do you know the truth within you? Are we just fancy to the whims of destiny and to the will of that which we call God? Or are we truly in control of what we are?

I think that the Gods and Angels, the Puppet Masters, or whomever is running this show, need to update and upgrade the Earth 101 book and let us in on a few things don't you? We are just stumbling around Century after Century, unaware, spiritually in the dark, pillaging and conquering, and just acting stupid. There is no right way, no one way and the whole process seems too slow. We as humans never seem to be really clear about what it is we should be doing within our lives (except serial killers maybe) and everyone here is unhappy and suffers in some respect. Is this place then truly the realm of suffering? How many people feel like they live out Groundhog Day every day...(hands up now). Mine went up first of course because I am up to here with it.......I cannot decipher one day from the next, and there is no joy in any day.

Where can I go from here?