Reminicent and Recovering

Its taken me a good 40 years to even figure a small semblance of what I've wanted in my life, or what I've wanted my life to be like. I envy those souls who even from their early teen years, are driven to investigate their interests, or at least have an idea where their passion is and pursue it with the fever of their youthful spirit. I've spent the majority of my life wading through a lot of what I don't want. I'm sure many people can exclaim the same problem. Maybe it comes from a deep disdain of being in the human form in the first place. I don't know where that comes from. There is so much I don't like about being human. Maybe it comes from years of pointless living on this backwards planet. It's been such a long series of trial and error episodes none of which much has worked out well. Maybe it comes from feeling lost in a lost world. Too many 'miss' choices made and not enough 'hit' choices made. And lets not forget... lots and lots of unintentional misfortunes that I innocently tripped into in between. Bob Dylan sings it so well when he say's “I did so many things that I never did intend to do.” And its not even an issue of “not fitting in.” I cannot relate to anything here, cultures, trends, rituals, opinions and reasons, religions, ignorances, activities, motivations, even daily life. I tried a lot to get on with what was expected when I got old enough to understand the why logic of it, but I've never really bought into it. Never understood why people do it. Never believed in it.

I've always been a think outside the box person, a rebel, a rule breaker. I just can't relate to the time we spend 'wasting time' on trivial pursuits, or as one of the masses living in denial with the “have a nice day falseness” recorded into every word they speak. There are only a few great thinkers who have the insight to think past the body and probe within the complexities of the mind and can help move humanity up a notch in consciousness or technology. Even as a child....I felt the same way. I stood on the border lines of the playground in my Kindergarten year and said to myself “this is not my tribe.” I wanted to go home then and there (my real home I mean) and I wanted no part of this existence. I was left with just a huge “why?” Oh, I started off the brightest little spark, in essence an innocent romantic, an with an honest and courageous attitude towards living...and a strong belief in love but as quickly as being only 5 years old, I realized this certainly wasn't a place I understood or enjoyed, nor the people here people those I could relate to in any way at all. Needless to say I have wasted a lot of time doing a whole lot of nothing and I am mostly always alone.

I tripped and fell through the years of my life, not really going anywhere feeling more like a drifter than anything else but still retaining much of my child like innocence in the beginning. Although I did change a lot over the years, trying on one suit after another to see if it fit, I still tried to view life the same right up into my early 50's, But the world is like a nasty alligator that sneaks up on you and bites you when you least expect it. Your innocent attitude becomes consumed by the competitive and ego-centric side of the world around you. Unless you become the same way (become the spoon) you get bent and battered. Yeah, that is what happened to me all right , bitten and snapped at by too many alligators in the swamps of my existence all right!. I was unwilling to be the spoonful of denial like everyone else. I tried over and over again to calm the ever impending waves of Tsunami that would come and wash away anything I would build up every few years. To this day it is still continuing and I ask over and over, why does this keep happening? Nowadays, I don't even expect to get an answer, like I did in the past. I really use to think that someone was out there observing it all. But more and more I couldn't discipher any of the so called signs and clues I was pointed towards and I inevitably ran up against a wall over and over again. What is it that life does to you? I have become more than jaded, my viewpoint on life is seriously tainted. What makes one person just gleem from the continual challenges, with the pride of overcoming such adversity? Is it because everyone pats you on the back for enduring all this shit thus pumping up your self esteem like those can's of whipped cream you spray in your mouth? Does it make you an attention and kudos junkie? All the while another person would become more beat down, and humiliated becoming indifferent to the episodes that one faces albeit in health, in relationships, or in money matters? No attention or Kudos to them. No kudo to suffering, just to the end result.

Why do some people see things half full while other see things half empty? Why do some relish life and being alive as the best thing ever like breathing itself, while others remain tortured more so than I, and end up dead, in a mental hospital or addicted to heavy drugs or alcohol? Ah....the proverbial eternal question of the human mind eh? I will never know will I while I am still trapped in the flesh and bone?

In the meantime after years of being here, of being schooled in nothing that remotely helps me in life, in being the fool to more situations than I care to remember, in probing the whys of existence and in persuing self improvement (all to apparently to keep my mind occupied), I have not been able to retain my faith in anything at all. Not even love..I have not managed to succeed in any given direction or vocation, and I have not been able to settle my distressed soul. As Ester and Jerry Hicks put it in their book “Ask and It Is Given” I have not been able to find my emotional setpoint. I believe ithis s mostly because my life swims within the violent swirls of an Arabian sandstorm or an Arctic blizzard. I can't see more than the two steps in front of me. And my awareness and my thoughts just seem to have gotten duller and duller as I have aged.

As it stands right now, I could care less to try and make something work out, to have faith that a new venture will succeed, that this year truly feels like it's going to be a good one, that a new job will become the perfect situation for me, or a new love affair will perk me up. No, that positive thinking stuff doesn't seem to improve my life. Or maybe it is because I don't really want any of those things, just comfort.....a life that is comfortable instead of one set goal or topic. No....in the present moment, in my present health and experienced based despondent state of mind I'm not seeing my way to a brighter future. And I seem to constantly be in this gloomy state. I watch myself in it as I drive to work, as I sit alone in my room, as I sashay through a store eye-ing all the cool things I'd like to buy, like a kid in a candy store. As I face another day...its a groundhog day...another day where there is no joy, no fun, nothing exciting, and no love. I'd pretty much call that a Non-Existence.

And the point is then?