Still Not Settled

Is anything working for me? Would I consider my life RIGHT NOW a success by any measure? Well that would depend on how I am feeling on a certain day. I have had some pretty low days lately, and hormones and headaches can put me even lower on the floor of despair. But do I think everything is OK? Inside it’s a unanimous NO, even though I am not hungry, homeless, or ill. It’s just that my life the way it is is so obviously dull and I feel continue to feel frozen and spent. Work and home are the two environments I see each day. On occasion I will trek to the grocery store. Whoopee! Nothing going on, no distractions, no playtime, nothing in sight….nothing working for me. If all the external stirring up of dust would settle…and life’s little inconveniences would stop pissing me off…then I could…………..huummm fill in the blank here. Then I could what? Be happy? NO…Then I could get on with my life? NO…..Then I could maybe see through all the emotional obstruction? NO. I’ve got it! Then I could change my attitude! YES. But, changing my attitude equates a changing of my experiences or at least that’s the way I view it. To me, my experiences jade my attitude. It’s a double-edged sword. I don’t think I have had the best experiences in the last couple of years and I think my “lot” has been upped an AMP in the last year. I don’t consciously wake up and expect to have a bad day. But it’s become a real crapshoot. You go out there everyday, even if you have a smile going on inside…and you never know what will happen. It can turn real sour real quick as I have come to know well. To give you a few examples, I was fired from my job the day before 911 and subsequently the next three jobs after that. I got in a mild car accident just driving home from work one night a “victim” of a domino effect. I then got 5 tickets in 3 years time just being in the wrong place at the wrong time and definitely on the wrong road. My latest relationship ended in me moving out unwillingly using up every last cent of cash I had saved, placing me in huge debt again after I had diligently worked to pay ALL the debts off. Currently I am working double hours to cover a coworker who quit because my company will not advertise for someone to replace them (FYI-there is no one else to cover). These examples are just the tip of the iceberg if you will and also just the external stuff. How much lies beneath it all?

So, even though the dust has yet to settle on me…. I still consider my life dull? Yes, DULL AND BORING. And it’s not like I cannot entertain myself, or that I am a basket case being alone. Au contraire! I suppose I am just not into reinventing myself again. Life has beaten me to a pulp and I haven’t the will. I am just not interested in listening to pep talks about exploring in your 30’s, the fabulous 40’s and that life begins at 50-who’s life are they talking about anyway? What a load of magazine dribble. There is nothing exploratory, fabulous, or anything beginning to look up about my life. I think they make it all up to convince themselves that the sleek world between the pages is really theirs, like a sense of denial as if they know deep down their life is complete crap. I use to always rely on the New Age hopeful pep talk about what’s coming in the future. The planets are shifting, and life goes in cycles. All that stuff. This time I don’t feel like being pacified with the excuse that “this is just a fallow time”, or a “time of introspection”, or that I am just in preparation for the future. What future? A future I cannot see, and have no direction to strive towards? NO. I’ve been shifted enough, done too many things I never did intend to do, too many times. I’ve never gotten to do half of the things I have wanted to do. It all seems so backwards to me. The future to me is here right now. I couldn’t tell you where my future path will go, but right now it’s dull, lifeless, and monotonous and not really where I would like it to be. I know we would all say that but I suppose I need a little more inspiration and spark to carry me through in this loveless existence. I am not just saying that because I am single either, all of us are lacking lots of love. Yeah, can’t live without that love. I can see very clearly, that I am not the only one with this gripe, just one of the few who is willing to admit that I do not want to have a life without love.

Shaken and Stirred

It seems I am in a swirl of my own enigma. Catching myself coming and going, tripping over my own inadequacies, and smashing the mirror. I have so many different themes and thoughts buzzing rapidly through my head, that to catch one to try and expand and experience it takes stillness that my mind does not allow right now. Everything around me has become too much, and quite a drain on me, in both an emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual sense. With so many things to do, the days pass as quickly as a dream, and all I really want to do is be still for a bit and complete a small project regardless of how simple or trivial it is. Not have to “be” anywhere. I feel like George Harrison, in his song “My Guitar Gently Weeps”, as he looks at the floor that needs sweeping, but still other things call him. I feel the same way. There are so many things I want to do, and need to do, no matter what order of importance they might hold. I am doing none of them (maybe other than writing this). And I feel I am doing none of the important things to nourish my spirit. I see the split in the seams that hold me together and I think, hummm, I should tend to that, but then off to the races I go each day just to keep my head above water. How can I find my sense of humor again? When can I take a day to sit in the park and just enjoy the sunlight shimmering through the leaves of the trees above? Not be irritated by children laughing or crying. Maybe have some money to take a small vacation and go somewhere and just do nothing but leisurely things? I keep asking when?

I feel once again in a place of great intolerance-all the while tolerating it all. Here is that duality looming over my life again torturing me like it always does. I need something, anything to take me back to a place of feeling centered, happy or interested in life and what it’s living has to offer. Sounds like I am depressed, and maybe I am, but why wouldn’t I be…. when all I do is work, and come home, and work and come home and work and come home. Where is the point in that? It creates a monotonous trance that I walk around in all the time. This leads to indifference, which makes me numb. Some would call that a good thing. Many live in denial and are perfectly happy there. I cannot relate being numb to being happy.
I say if you cannot feel anything anymore, then you are not living. So what is my life about then if I am the writer and director of this script?

There is a battle going on within me, and I cannot still it, rescue it, nor appease it. My interest wains in anything at all…and my inner scream is floundering like a fish in a net to get free of everything that traps and holds me to this insane existence!!!!! I have been in this place before, and I recognize it…but now I do not know where to take it, or what to do with it. And what I have to do each day just seems to cover it over more and more. I hate it. Lately, I have watched myself tuning people out when they are talking to me. I am not interested in being around them, seeing them, hearing them or entertaining them. I have nothing to say. Nor do I care to be cordial. I don’t want to give an automated response. I want to live more genuinely than that, even though I feel very anti-social. But, then my own duality slaps me down and says “oh but you don’t want to be so solitary either!" My obvious fears and dislikes in being social seem to rear its head at that point. I don’t know what they are about. This seems to be a very strange time for me because I cannot settle inside. I want to know what is going on! I want answers to my questions, and I want to feel better.

And tomorrow is yet another day……………………….here we go again.