TOUGH IT OUT

It had not been a very good health week for me, so I had booked a much needed Colon Hydrotherapy session with a lady who had over the years become my mentor. I found that if I allowed my internal system to back up too much, my emotional health would start to become toxic as well. I would get angry quicker, and emotional unnecessarily, not to mention irritable 24/7. So I needed not just a physical cleansing but a mental one as well. We spent the session, cleansing the body of course but also discussing where I was right now and why. During the therapy she said a simple truth to me that really stuck with me, even though I knew it in the back of my mind it was so much clearer to me when she said it. She said “ You are the writer, producer, director and actress in your own life script. You must have wanted to be where you are, because here you are.

Well…..it took me long enough to create it if that was truly the case…There I had been…always screaming and kicking in my own head. Trying to make changes, but taking baby steps. Did I want to continue to beat myself up over mistakes I had made? Was I suffering from unnecessary boredom and was trying to stir up a little trouble? I had a hunch every now and then that my life was supposed to be going a different way, but I am a person who can get too comfortable sometimes within a situation, and stay there way to long. I pretended I knew there was some kind of plan behind the magic curtain for me but since this great shift that I just went through, I have felt completely kept in the dark about what it was and what was going to happen next.

I have been consciously trying to create some fun for myself ever since I moved from my last “pull my heartstrings apart situation” to this ever so solitary one. In the back of my mind I had been thinking that I wanted someone to recognize my work talents and recruit me to something better. And also in the back of my mind, I wanted a lover. Nothing serious, just someone to enjoy and break up the solitude every now and then. So between my need for distraction, and my need for recognition I have been playing mental ping-pong. My life hasn’t changed that much, since the move, it has just become more solitary. I realized that I’d forgotten how to have fun, and gotten all tied up within this jaded mindset, constantly bah hum bugging everything and just hiding away in my own insecure blanket. Needless to say, I have been pounding my head against the wall trying to create something. Trying a little too hard I think. Sending it out there, the wish list of the things I think I need. All the while having counter productive self doubting thoughts that there is nothing out there to even tag my interest….no one that would suit me. From what I had met of men in the last years, it’s looking all the more like three word grunting Neanderthals, or those who are just plain afraid of me and won’t try. Then on the work front, no matter what tap dance I did for anyone, there was not an offer in sight that would serve me or catapult me further up the financial ladder. But, I shouldn’t let myself get caught up in this kind of thinking because I should know better…and I should also know by now how to attract the things I want, and mostly importantly, the people I want. I have done it before, and I know I can do it again. It seems to be a matter of fine tuning and tweaking the knobs a bit to get it just right because it’s not that easy. I cannot figure out why I am giving in to all this self-doubt?

Often you have to dig through layers of beliefs (your own) that you often don’t realize you have. You have to face some of your inner demons too. You have to start to think thoughts in ways you cannot imagine doing. Yeah, right, Miss pessimist here start thinking “shiny happy thoughts.” I don’t think so! You’ve become so use to just being you, almost robotically…thinking your way, experiencing things you always do…and then wondering why your life doesn’t work. Or why your life isn’t what you want. Sounds confusing I know! But it’s very easy to loose faith and not have the foresight and patience to just wait knowing that a new adventure might just be visible on the horizon. And all I need is a little patience. It’s so easy to get lost when life shifts, and the shift wasn’t planned by you. But me, I am not patient at all. Life can beat that patience right out of you in my opinion. As I wait, for what is coming next my inner Genie is chomping at the bit. Maybe that comes from being born into our world of instant gratification. It’s the instant gratification thing staring you in the face. We are all guilty of it. We want it and we want it now. The media, advertising and social propaganda tell us we can have it now. Let’s not forget they tell us how special we are, and we can make our outer world experience any way we want it. Have you looked at those God awful Bank posters, telling you “we can make your account to suit your needs”-yeah, if your depositing lots of cash-ola all the time! We have to have it our way though, personalizing our online home page to show what WE want to see when it first opens up, We have the rings on our cell phones and caller ID to screen who we talk to (not to mention text messaging, picture phone, and email through the phone). Of course there is still Burger King, where we can have it our way. We think we are in control. We are told we have choices in how we want our day to go.

So it would seem logical that it would follow suit that this concept would spill over into our personal lives don’t you think? But it doesn’t always work that way…at least not for me. In our personal life it seems it is much harder to get what we really want. And why is that? Is it because all this other outside stuff is just hype and isn’t really of any importance anyway? And the things we want for ourselves personally, is that stuff really important? Do we treat it like it isn’t? And if it is important, why isn’t it as much a priority as the energy we all put into our jobs or into that project we are doing for some boss somewhere who doesn’t really care what we can do. We are always trying to prove ourselves in work, why don’t we do that in our personal lives as well?

From the experiences I have had lately, I have concluded that I need to learn to be still for a second, whether or not I want to be. I cannot push the river, and I cannot and most importantly do not want to create the wrong thing. I have done enough of that in the past, and also had many of the wrong people approach me. It’s a big lesson for me, not to chase those rainbows that I know are wrong for me, but I am going to have to just tough it out! Growl as I will, and you know I will, I am going to leave well enough alone for now and just sees what happens. Lets see how long it takes for something juicy to pop up. The challenge is ON!