Shift happens

I thought that I had pretty much given up the fight when I surrendered with white flag in hand to the inevitable situation of having to move out leaving both house and relationship…after all,
I had lived the last 4 years with the Mr. and was still ok with continuing on with him. But after kicking and screaming inside about it, and just procrastinating on the outside about it, I reluctantly said “OK, I will do this”, even though I whole heartedly did not want to…and reluctantly I moved. Now, I am three months into my new surroundings, have gotten settled in, got a routine started that serves me and so far have held my self together very well both financially and emotionally. I have totally accepted that here I am, and I am meant to be right here right now. Like it or not. Or have I?

Right now, my underlying anger is back. I have felt it slinking around dodging itself through the tiniest of cracks of my emotional dam. Like a fiery ball of energy that cannot be contained, the intensity of it has started to break me down. I evaded it for so long, thinking I had dispelled much of it and now it has caught up to me once again and found my hiding place. It’s hard sometimes, being caught up in this world of over stimulation, rationed time slots, and “to dos” to even identify what the hell is bugging you, and why you are upset in the first place. I really agree with Dr. Phil’s words, when he says to people “Ok, you got mad because she didn’t fold the laundry right”, and then asks the same person what is the real issue behind your being upset. I can relate that to my life very easily, even though sometimes I too, cannot always put my finger on the exact causes of my irritability and dissatisfaction.

I know a lot of my irritability and dissatisfaction has to do with control…how much control you have over what happens to you and what happens in your life. I know that I need to have control over certain aspects of my personal life and preferences, and when I don’t get that control, I do get upset. It’s my way of avoiding a lot of conflict and being able to keep an even keel going. Making my experience pleasant rather than complicated and full of aggravations. Even if it’s a simple thing, like when I placed a flowerpot full of flowers outside my front door (I now live in a condominium where they asked me to take it down.) But that’s another subject entirely…I believe that everyone is a little controling to some degree.

I thought that I would give myself some time…. and get more comfortable living solo, meaning that I would just spend time doing things I enjoyed, needed to get done, or to rediscover. That’s OK up to a certain point. Its like you get too much of yourself and you get emotional cabin fever. You need a distraction, or someone to make you laugh. There isn’t much time for anything in my life right now. I work way too much, because I have two jobs. One job is outside the home and takes up way to many hours and one job is home based and requires way too many hours. I have numerous projects going on, family to contend with, and Yoga classes twice a week that take up an entire morning. Trying to get with friends is near impossible due to my work hours, and then what about fun? Relaxation? Leisure time? Shopping? Or a lover? Forget it…all those things just don’t fit in to my run rabbit run schedule.

So how do you find a happy medium? Like most people, I have to work for the money to maintain it all. How do you get all your work done and still have the time and energy left for feeding your soul? I feel like that is what I am trying to do right now, after this huge shift in my life…. I am trying too hard to push the river as it was and create a little fun for myself. So far much of it has backfired…and once again I am back where I started in the first place-irritable and dissatisfied.