Shaken and Stirred

It seems I am in a swirl of my own enigma. Catching myself coming and going, tripping over my own inadequacies, and smashing the mirror. I have so many different themes and thoughts buzzing rapidly through my head, that to catch one to try and expand and experience it takes stillness that my mind does not allow right now. Everything around me has become too much, and quite a drain on me, in both an emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual sense. With so many things to do, the days pass as quickly as a dream, and all I really want to do is be still for a bit and complete a small project regardless of how simple or trivial it is. Not have to “be” anywhere. I feel like George Harrison, in his song “My Guitar Gently Weeps”, as he looks at the floor that needs sweeping, but still other things call him. I feel the same way. There are so many things I want to do, and need to do, no matter what order of importance they might hold. I am doing none of them (maybe other than writing this). And I feel I am doing none of the important things to nourish my spirit. I see the split in the seams that hold me together and I think, hummm, I should tend to that, but then off to the races I go each day just to keep my head above water. How can I find my sense of humor again? When can I take a day to sit in the park and just enjoy the sunlight shimmering through the leaves of the trees above? Not be irritated by children laughing or crying. Maybe have some money to take a small vacation and go somewhere and just do nothing but leisurely things? I keep asking when?

I feel once again in a place of great intolerance-all the while tolerating it all. Here is that duality looming over my life again torturing me like it always does. I need something, anything to take me back to a place of feeling centered, happy or interested in life and what it’s living has to offer. Sounds like I am depressed, and maybe I am, but why wouldn’t I be…. when all I do is work, and come home, and work and come home and work and come home. Where is the point in that? It creates a monotonous trance that I walk around in all the time. This leads to indifference, which makes me numb. Some would call that a good thing. Many live in denial and are perfectly happy there. I cannot relate being numb to being happy.
I say if you cannot feel anything anymore, then you are not living. So what is my life about then if I am the writer and director of this script?

There is a battle going on within me, and I cannot still it, rescue it, nor appease it. My interest wains in anything at all…and my inner scream is floundering like a fish in a net to get free of everything that traps and holds me to this insane existence!!!!! I have been in this place before, and I recognize it…but now I do not know where to take it, or what to do with it. And what I have to do each day just seems to cover it over more and more. I hate it. Lately, I have watched myself tuning people out when they are talking to me. I am not interested in being around them, seeing them, hearing them or entertaining them. I have nothing to say. Nor do I care to be cordial. I don’t want to give an automated response. I want to live more genuinely than that, even though I feel very anti-social. But, then my own duality slaps me down and says “oh but you don’t want to be so solitary either!" My obvious fears and dislikes in being social seem to rear its head at that point. I don’t know what they are about. This seems to be a very strange time for me because I cannot settle inside. I want to know what is going on! I want answers to my questions, and I want to feel better.

And tomorrow is yet another day……………………….here we go again.