How do I get back to myself is the burning question, that keeps seeping in through my pores, invades itself into my dreams, stares me in the face in the mirror each morning and shows up every where in my sensory filters. It stares me blankly in the face whenever I am alone. And I happen to be alone a lot lately after leaving a 5 year live in situation rather unwillingly. But wait, no, I am not crying in my beer, or acting pathetically needy and ridiculous like some do after going through a break up that they didn't want. No, I am doing rather well considering.
Its been so long since I have actually lived alone and not had anyone around. To come through the door after work, to nothing but the stillness and the solitude of stationary furniture, dishes in the sink....everything as it was left hours before-all of my own doing. No one to greet me, or to vent onto and of course no one to look forward to hanging with. What I experience instead has only been the satisfaction of knowing that I am in my cloister, surrounded by things I love, and no one can ask anything of me here.
One of the things that was an issue in my previous situation was that I could not be myself at home....that I had to pretend that everything was fine or that I felt ok, both physically and emotionally even if I wasn't feeling that way. So here I am now in my own place, where I can be exactly who or what takes me over for any given moment. But despite the fact that I have unpacked most everything and everything has found a place......and though I have set up a routine that I can live by, and have everything I need within reach, a huge question mark hovers over my head. OK, here I am....what now? I feel like I have forgotten how to be alone. That I have gotten lost in the fabric of someone else, and mine has become transparent. Forgotten how to entertain myself. Forgotten many of the things I liked to do before it all. But have I forgotten because I no longer have the interest for most of them? Like I have had in the past? Or is it that I have changed and have not noticed? Or maybe I do not need those things anymore? I don't have an answer. But my inquiring mind wants to know.
When ever I have gone through any "major" changes as the world dubs it,..it has always been for a purpose, or a goal, or to escape from something I could no longer tolerate. Off I would go, on any whim or any prayer, and down any road if I had the conviction for it, with no fear and ready to really risk anything just to force the change. But this time, I feel that the Universe has put me here quite intentionally, and is not letting me in on the secret of how to be here now.....how ironic I would type that. "Be here Now" isn't that what we are all suppose to be doing? And here I am, right here, right now...supposed to be "being" me?
Still I am quite restless within my own skin....lots of Scarlet O'hara sighs and objections to lots of things.....And no proverbial Rhett to say "oh just settle your ass down." So again I send the question out into the ethers, OK...here I am what now? Hoping that I will recognize what ever sign presents itself...as something worthy of pursuit.
Its been so long since I have actually lived alone and not had anyone around. To come through the door after work, to nothing but the stillness and the solitude of stationary furniture, dishes in the sink....everything as it was left hours before-all of my own doing. No one to greet me, or to vent onto and of course no one to look forward to hanging with. What I experience instead has only been the satisfaction of knowing that I am in my cloister, surrounded by things I love, and no one can ask anything of me here.
One of the things that was an issue in my previous situation was that I could not be myself at home....that I had to pretend that everything was fine or that I felt ok, both physically and emotionally even if I wasn't feeling that way. So here I am now in my own place, where I can be exactly who or what takes me over for any given moment. But despite the fact that I have unpacked most everything and everything has found a place......and though I have set up a routine that I can live by, and have everything I need within reach, a huge question mark hovers over my head. OK, here I am....what now? I feel like I have forgotten how to be alone. That I have gotten lost in the fabric of someone else, and mine has become transparent. Forgotten how to entertain myself. Forgotten many of the things I liked to do before it all. But have I forgotten because I no longer have the interest for most of them? Like I have had in the past? Or is it that I have changed and have not noticed? Or maybe I do not need those things anymore? I don't have an answer. But my inquiring mind wants to know.
When ever I have gone through any "major" changes as the world dubs it,..it has always been for a purpose, or a goal, or to escape from something I could no longer tolerate. Off I would go, on any whim or any prayer, and down any road if I had the conviction for it, with no fear and ready to really risk anything just to force the change. But this time, I feel that the Universe has put me here quite intentionally, and is not letting me in on the secret of how to be here now.....how ironic I would type that. "Be here Now" isn't that what we are all suppose to be doing? And here I am, right here, right now...supposed to be "being" me?
Still I am quite restless within my own skin....lots of Scarlet O'hara sighs and objections to lots of things.....And no proverbial Rhett to say "oh just settle your ass down." So again I send the question out into the ethers, OK...here I am what now? Hoping that I will recognize what ever sign presents itself...as something worthy of pursuit.
No comments:
Post a Comment