Still Not Settled

Is anything working for me? Would I consider my life RIGHT NOW a success by any measure? Well that would depend on how I am feeling on a certain day. I have had some pretty low days lately, and hormones and headaches can put me even lower on the floor of despair. But do I think everything is OK? Inside it’s a unanimous NO, even though I am not hungry, homeless, or ill. It’s just that my life the way it is is so obviously dull and I feel continue to feel frozen and spent. Work and home are the two environments I see each day. On occasion I will trek to the grocery store. Whoopee! Nothing going on, no distractions, no playtime, nothing in sight….nothing working for me. If all the external stirring up of dust would settle…and life’s little inconveniences would stop pissing me off…then I could…………..huummm fill in the blank here. Then I could what? Be happy? NO…Then I could get on with my life? NO…..Then I could maybe see through all the emotional obstruction? NO. I’ve got it! Then I could change my attitude! YES. But, changing my attitude equates a changing of my experiences or at least that’s the way I view it. To me, my experiences jade my attitude. It’s a double-edged sword. I don’t think I have had the best experiences in the last couple of years and I think my “lot” has been upped an AMP in the last year. I don’t consciously wake up and expect to have a bad day. But it’s become a real crapshoot. You go out there everyday, even if you have a smile going on inside…and you never know what will happen. It can turn real sour real quick as I have come to know well. To give you a few examples, I was fired from my job the day before 911 and subsequently the next three jobs after that. I got in a mild car accident just driving home from work one night a “victim” of a domino effect. I then got 5 tickets in 3 years time just being in the wrong place at the wrong time and definitely on the wrong road. My latest relationship ended in me moving out unwillingly using up every last cent of cash I had saved, placing me in huge debt again after I had diligently worked to pay ALL the debts off. Currently I am working double hours to cover a coworker who quit because my company will not advertise for someone to replace them (FYI-there is no one else to cover). These examples are just the tip of the iceberg if you will and also just the external stuff. How much lies beneath it all?

So, even though the dust has yet to settle on me…. I still consider my life dull? Yes, DULL AND BORING. And it’s not like I cannot entertain myself, or that I am a basket case being alone. Au contraire! I suppose I am just not into reinventing myself again. Life has beaten me to a pulp and I haven’t the will. I am just not interested in listening to pep talks about exploring in your 30’s, the fabulous 40’s and that life begins at 50-who’s life are they talking about anyway? What a load of magazine dribble. There is nothing exploratory, fabulous, or anything beginning to look up about my life. I think they make it all up to convince themselves that the sleek world between the pages is really theirs, like a sense of denial as if they know deep down their life is complete crap. I use to always rely on the New Age hopeful pep talk about what’s coming in the future. The planets are shifting, and life goes in cycles. All that stuff. This time I don’t feel like being pacified with the excuse that “this is just a fallow time”, or a “time of introspection”, or that I am just in preparation for the future. What future? A future I cannot see, and have no direction to strive towards? NO. I’ve been shifted enough, done too many things I never did intend to do, too many times. I’ve never gotten to do half of the things I have wanted to do. It all seems so backwards to me. The future to me is here right now. I couldn’t tell you where my future path will go, but right now it’s dull, lifeless, and monotonous and not really where I would like it to be. I know we would all say that but I suppose I need a little more inspiration and spark to carry me through in this loveless existence. I am not just saying that because I am single either, all of us are lacking lots of love. Yeah, can’t live without that love. I can see very clearly, that I am not the only one with this gripe, just one of the few who is willing to admit that I do not want to have a life without love.