Meltdown

I can hear the wind calling, on this humid summer evening. I am sitting inside my apartment, away from the heat, away from the world outside, away (finally) from my work, but alone with my angst…there is no escape from it…it’s within me and without me as well. It fills every crevice and cell inside me. Like the air, it’s everywhere. The wind starts gently at first, then becomes more restless as I strain to listen. Maybe it will rain I think to myself. That would be perfect. I would like that…but no, it’s just the wind-restless at heart like me. The subtle sound of the rustling leaves seems to call me to the window. I get up from the computer, just like in a movie…mesmerized by what might be “out there” and I walk over to the window to look. For a brief minute I see the beauty of the night sky and the bright illumination of the full moon lighting everything up with it’s brilliant gaze. I see the shadow of the moonlight on the leaves……and I feel the stillness of the night. Then I see myself standing there, unable to enjoy it. My small patio on the second floor is like a hollow hole in the wall, uncomfortable, and definitely not nature friendly. And I stand there alone. The trees start to sway side to side, and the leaves and branches are tapping at my window as if to beckon me to something waiting out side. But nothing is waiting outside, at least not in my mind. There is nothing outside but the insane world that I deal with every day. A world that is truly not my home, but I live in it and I wake up here each day. I wish I was somewhere else.

I am on the verge of a breakdown in my ivory tower. The Queen’s crown is falling. Total Meltdown.......All the things that I feel could go wrong have gone wrong, all my insecurities and needs have risen to the surface, and the mudslide I feel that is controlling my destiny continues. My world is a flood, and I have become one with the mud. But it’s only the things that are my own personal pitfalls, that I feel are important, that may not even trouble someone else, and they dig into me like a burr under my saddle. It’s like the fat that rises to the top of the pot when boiling meat for a stew…it has all just come to a head. I am boiling underneath, and creating all this “uck” that is showing up on the surface. Feeling lots and lots of “uck”. Including of course the after effects of the recent shift in residence and in love affair (or lack there of). I am both physically sick and deeply troubled by where I am. I am overwhelmed by anger. Overwhelmed is an understatement. I would say the same for the anger, so very understated and valid only to me but it is indescribably fierce at the same time. I cannot smile. Everything and everyone bothers me. I think of where I am and where I would like to be. I think of how trapped I feel, and I think of the people who keep telling me to get over it. How could they say that not knowing why? And how could they expect me to just snap out of it? I think of London, my original home where I was born that I loved so much. And the London rain. The sound and feel of rain comforts me. The sound of it falling onto the concrete….the drains on the roof spilling over with that waterfall crashing to the ground sound. Why doesn’t it rain tonight? Of course it won’t, I am in the desert. Why am I even thinking it will? Like everything else I want, it just doesn’t happen. I catch my thoughts rambling away and I go outside and brave the 100 degree heat. The heat doesn’t bother me. Indeed, summer is here, but inside me I am in the middle of a winter storm. Time to make tea. In England, where I was raised, when ever something needs to be worked out, a crisis presents itself, or someone comes round to visit, it’s always tea time. I grew up with the notion that a cup of tea would sooth just about anything. Calm the most savage beast, and relax you despite your troubles. So still to this day, I put the kettle on and brew a cup of tea every day of my life. Trying to comfort myself in the middle of a mess, in the middle of the hot summer, in the middle of my own personal crisis. There is nothing else to do. There is nothing that can be done. There is nothing I want to eat, nothing I want to do, nothing I could buy and no one around who would understand, just my restlessness as I search for the comfort. There is nothing else that I want than the feeling of a loving embrace inside a place of love. To stay there a little longer than intended, to be in the glow and spirit of love. And to know my life will not continue to be so painful, so dull, and so jaded and such a struggle. Something about that would make it easier to continue out into the world we live in day to day. I need that inspiration and that love for without it there is no foundation. I have become so strong over these past 10 years so…..no this won’t break me. No, I won’t loose my grip, sure, I can still carry on…..and I will carry on without heart. Because the way it is right now, I can’t resolve it, I can’t resolve it. And I cannot get it to go away. It’s something I am not willing to forgive just yet. Even if I try and forgive myself.

If there are angels among us, then they need to put the neon light above my head, as a beacon for the other angels…to say ”hey, this one really needs us right now, though strong she is.” Send me an Angel. My attitude is not going to instantly turn around to positivty by itself. Not at all. I am going to need some solid loving, wonderfully magical experiences to lift my spirits up from this last dragging behind the horse. Send me an Angel right now.